will of steel

I’ve quit smoking.
and every once of will power that i own is forcing me to keep my ass to the seat. you see, right about now would be the time i would be outside with Matt or someone else enjoying the view of 2nd street and enjoying a Virginia slim ultra light menthols.
and instead, I’m sitting here chomping on gum that’s getting stale pretty quickly thinking that I’m ghetto girl.
and I’m trying really hard to do this.
because you see, no one believes that i can do it.
i thought i had smoked my last cigarette last night, but i found a pack in the bottom of my bag. for the last time, i had a smoke when i took justin to BART this morning. It’s been five hours. And the day is dragging on ridiculously slow. I took the tin of unfiltered gawth sticks that danny gave me and left them on Shmoo’s desk. Too much temptation for me.
Five hours. May not seem like much, but, for me, with smoking I’ve already had about five for the day. one when i got up, one or two on the way to work, one on break, etc. you get the point. You see, I know if I don’t think about it, I won’t feel the craving as badly, because that’s how I deal being around non-smokers. Like, if I’m dating someone who doesn’t smoke, I would hardly smoke around them and by not thinking about it i was able to go for hours without having on.
i read somewhere that quitting smoking is HARDER than quitting heroin or any other controlled substance. right now I’d rip out someone’s throat for a cigarette.
hi 🙂
deep breath.
(I’m trying really hard not to think about it, so please bear with me).
There are a lot of reasons why I’m quitting. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was when i saw myself on cam a few days ago, and the person i saw on the cam was not attractive to me. And I’m not talking about physically either (cos well, I’m damn cute!) but the cigarette just seemed — icky.
back when i was in college, heather something or another, one of the OpEd editors on the paper said she couldn’t imagine me NOT smoking. and it was the same from everyone i knew. it seemed that my attitude towards everything including having a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, which i most often did.
but a lot of things have changed, especially with me. I’ve always disliked people with vices.
it’s been 11 hours since a cigarette.
today has drawn by ridiculously slow and almost saline filled. i’ve been feeling like i’ve been swimming in mud. nothing is making any sense and nothing is coming out right. mike thought i was depressed. and i’m not really. i’m not SAD just mopey. but i can’t find the differences between the two even though i told him that there were differences. and i feel so blah, but there isn’t anything to be blah about!
i think it’s just the death of an era if you ask me. lisa and smoking is kinda like rice and beans — they always go together.
i think that is what subconsciously i’ve been thinking about: that things are changing. all around me. I know i’m not making any sense right now, mike thought that i had gotten loopy. just, i can’t explain it. you quit smoking and your whole life changes!
or something.

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