you are SUCH my bitch

i hate feeling right.
or something.
remember long ago when you would meet someone and you would like them, like, almost instantly. and things clicked really hard between the two. time goes on and you find that you’ve become almost, not obsessed, but, engulfed with that person. and then you’ve changed how you react to that person. and this has nothing to do with liking the person, because you really really like them, but it has everything to do with your immortal soul.
i was thinking of all the relationships I’ve been in and things that have been coming and going in my own life. I’ve been wiggin’ out for the last few days, I’m sorry. i think some people are beginning to wonder if me quitting smoking is really all that grand of an idea. the cravings weren’t so bad today, but, it’s been less than two days, bear with me.
i was thinking of how once people get to the point in their head and their comfortable with themselves and they like where they are at. and sooner or later, once they get comfortable and find themselves in a place to be a relationship, they don’t want a relationship. or they are scared. or they freak out internally.
i can always see the signs coming. I’m so used to it by now, that it’s become second skin. first it’s the missing of the cute little nicknames or emails. and the teasing suddenly gets to be wholly defensive. you find that everything you say suddenly is scrutinized. and if you ask them what’s going on, they tell you it’s nothing, they are feeling fine — what’s YOUR problem. so you say okay, because you want to believe them right? I mean, that’s what you want to believe. because they wouldn’t treat you so shabbily.
but then you notice you’re not talking as much anymore and that when you do talk the content is somewhat stunted and slow. you find you no longer have anything to say because you are SO damn paranoid about what your going to say. then you notice that you just don’t talk anymore and then it becomes nothing. they were just this person that you met.
but see, the thing is, I’ve talked to people after that last stage, and it’s ALWAYS the same damn answer: i was scared. scared of what? scared that i would fall in love/jump off of a cliff/lose myself/lose my identity. it always becomes this almost necessant NEED to follow those same steps. and later on down the road, all the damn wondering of what’s going on or what could have BEEN gets to you and so the next person you meet you deal with and it’s okay. your fine. and or maybe they aren’t that intense or exciting or whatever and so you just go with the flow this time because it’s easier.
gash, I’m babbling such non-sense.
i’ve been going around the office going “i don’t want a cigarette, right?” and everyone has been “yep, you don’t want a cigarette.”
I just re-read what I wrote — and you know what, I know most of that is true. But you know, if someone (anyone really) can’t well.
god, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. for the last two days i’ve been feeling WEIRD.
Lisa: I forget why I’m quitting.
Bean: because you don’t want to sound like a carpet cleaner when you’re 40.
Oh yeah.
well duh.
You see, Bean quit smoking over a month ago. And has been using wellbutrin to take the edge off.
I have not been using any drugs, stimulants or even books.
I just went cold turkey.
21.5 hours
Since I’ve had a cigarette.
I told Justin that this was going to get damn annoying: me announcing every time I looked at the clock since the last time i had a cigarette. he said that was okay.
please don’t congratulate me yet on quitting. wait till it’s been a few days or a week or something. this IS the longest time I’ve gone without a cigarette, but, i don’t want to give false hope to anyone least of all to myself.
but I know I can do this!
My horroscope told me to be humble and so I’m being humble! Actually it said “Humble yourself by taking public transportation or doing laundry.”
Uh, hello here.
I just did laundry yesterday so BITE ME!
the one thing i spoke about was the rituals of smoking and that is what I’m going to miss. see, like right now, it’s early in the morning (depending on your view point — it could be late at night), and I’m drinking cawfee. if i was smoking, i would have a smoke burning in the ashtray next to me. just the smell would be enough some times. but see, even then i would let cigarettes just burn out without even touching them.
i told justin i was going to get kicked out of the artists community because i was no longer a smoker. he said writers don’t have to smoke. i said “uh, what about my whole dream of being that husky voiced alcoholic slut sitting at the end of the bar with the 10 best sellers behind me.” he said “oh yeah.”
it’s all about image.
smoking has been a good part of my life for over 10 years. if not longer. i was a young innocent maiden when i started smoking and now I’m a.. 🙂
go lisa, get your groove on. it’s your birthday. do the cabbage path. oh yeah.
I’d like to thank the academy and my producer and the director for being so great!
Oh wait, wrong speech.
shuffle shuffle
Actually, I have a lot to say on this subject 🙂 The people who encouraged me. My inspiration. And you know — it’s time for me to go to work! So, I’ll pick this back up at work kids.