i apologize if you have been attempting to access this page within the last few days and unable to do so.
bryan, the head cheese who owns this server, has been upgrading the kernel and what not. i completely forgot he was doing so and emailed him a letter bitching. aww well.
things should be back to normal by now. i think.
check out bryan’s page. when he’s not being an obnoxious idiot grin, he is kinda handsome don’tcha think.
bryan and i were an item a few years back. i was in my “need to be controlling because my life is careening out of control” stage and he was in his “slowly getting over being burned by a psycho path” stage. it probably would have lasted if both of us didn’t freak out at our brains always thinking so much.
bryan and I don’t chit-chat much, but last i heard he was going to a shrink to stop analyzing his life so damn much.
i remember the first time had met bryan, back in ’96. I was finished with classes for the summer and was working full time at a video store. i decided i was going to take a week off and careen around Michigan and Ontario. i drove from grand rapids to port huron and then took off to detroit to see my friend patrick. patrick, unix systems guru that he is, was currently in between jobs, so at 1am, he and i took off from Toronto.
gads, we had so much fun. we drove in the middle of the night talking and smoking all the way. it was so poetic. as we drove up the Michigan coastline, we stopped at his fathers grave and at my grandmothers grave before heading across the bridge to Toronto.
wired, laden down with smoke and fueled by diet coke, we drove to bryan’s house in central Toronto.
when i first saw bryan, i thought “damn, what a hunka hunka burning love.” turned out he liked me too. god it was hard. patrick had a crush on me and so did bryan. i didn’t know what the hell to do. patrick was getting over patty his gf and i didn’t think he and i would even be remotely good together and bryan i barely knew.
but the point is, those days were fucking fun as hell. not knowing what i would be doing or where i was going. driving to toronto at a moments notice. calling bryan on the phone because i forgot something. laughing with patrick in the car on the way back. teasing both of them.
friday night, i got an icq message from my friend adam. adam and i go way back for a few years, when i started listening to his radio show on wyce. wyce is a public radio station and everyone there volunteers their time for the programming->disk jockying->whatever needs to be done. adam and sloth have a show every friday night from 12am-6am, which a better part of it was called the razor blade hour. i would stumble in at around 2am drunk as a skunk and sit up with adam for the better part of the night talking and giggling on air.
so adam icq’s me, and I haven’t heard from him in a long time. he tells me he’s doing another rendition of the razor blade hour and that it’s in memory of me. i have nothing else better to do on a friday night but get movies and order pizza, so i pop open real audio and listen for a bit to see if/when adam is on. adam starts yacking and i call the station. adam answers and he sounds happy to hear from me and i tell him i’m coming home for Christmas from December 24th – 30th. We make plans, I icq him my mom’s number and i get off the phone. when adam gets back on the air, he dedicates a song i picked (Everybody Knows by Leonard Cohen) to Miss Lisa, his number one groupie, in San Francisco.
And when I hear that, I realize how badly I miss home.
Things have changed since I’ve left, and I realize that. And I know I’ve changed a lot since then as well.
Within the last week, I received an email from my friend Dan in Texas. Now Dan rocks my world (Dan’s comments are either the single > or the non > spaces). See I did his website for him and helped him when things were getting tough between his ex-partner Chris. I told Danny that I would never charge him for what I did nor would I expect payment. But this past Friday, he sent me a check (which I feel is way too much) and he wouldn’t take it back. So Danny, I haven’t emailed you this yet, but, if you feel you need to make a donation to me cos I did your pages, please give it to a charity in my name. :)) Thanks!
So I read the letter and I almost start to cry.
Dan’s right in a way: I have a lot of things NOW that i didn’t have then. namely: brand new spankin’ 98 black Saturn, a job i’ve been with for almost a year, a place where my name is on the lease, and justin.
and maybe to some people, they would say “hey, that’s a lot! you’re doing pretty good” (especially if i can flash my IS title around), but to me, it’s settling. and it hurts.
there is a distance i have wondered
(reaching out, reaching in. holding out, holding in)
fuck, another sarah induced depression.
HELLALUHIA!
You know, for nearly a year, I have fretted, stressed and worried that everything that has gone wrong with my life resolved around the fact that it was because of jeff.
And the startling realization I made was that it wasn’t about the fucker at all but about me!! I don’t miss what we had, I miss the person I was! I miss that sparky personality i used to have. where i didn’t care and where i lived life as fully as i knew how. it may not have been the best way or the right way, but it was my way.
i’m being slight unfair because i can’t blame him, but i can blame things have changed significantly in me since i’ve moved to California, and the person I was and the person i’ve become don’t mesh. and when someone takes your heart and smashes it to a trillion pieces and then tells you to get over it, you get fucking angry. and i learned, somewhere along the line, it wasn’t okay to get angry. holding in all this crap for nearly a year.
(but um, lisa, your constantly analyzing the situation)
sneeze
True. But read what I say and read that goddamn email. Can you NOT detect the difference between how I speak here and in that stupid fucking letter?
(insert about an hour later)
So i’ve spent some time reading my old letters i’ve written to people in the last few years. And i cried and I smiled and I laughed out loud when I read this:
“And food for thought, king bee, I would have never have emailed you unless you provoked it. If you want no comment from me, then you should have done, what I warned you to do oh so long ago, stay the fuck away. 🙂 Have a nice day!” (This little tidbit came from one of the most articulate emails i feel i’ve written in eons.)
“King Bee.” That just slays me. I started laughing so hard, I couldn’t sniffle from my damn cold.
And suddenly, I feel okay again. Sure, I was getting depressed reading all those old emails, and I miss the old Lisa, but I realized that with that much passion and fire, she was never really gone. She was just hibernating somewhere.
And my arguments with Justin early this evening seemed benign and trite. I went from a complete 180 degree course from wanting to break up with him to wanting to hold him tight and loving him forever.
And I think I will go do that.
Year: 1998
props
first off, props out to my friend greg. A few weeks ago, I had made a plea on both da chronicles and through several list serves in finding the cd by Everlast called Forever Everlasting.
I had searched the web for ages looking for it. Some of the major players such as amazon, borders did not carry it. Everlasts first record company, Warner Brothers didn’t have it listed. It seemed hopeless.
The cd is pre-House of Pain days. He was originally found by Ice-T and his Syndicate Soldiers group. He’s a white boy that can rap 😉
I thought it was pretty hopeless. I emailed my brother in the hopes that he may have found it at some store back home in Michigan. He emailed me back saying he found something for $22 bucks. What that something was, he never said.
I had pretty much given up on getting the cd. I had first heard of it when I was about 18 and had just moved back from Toronto. Josh had introduced me to it and I fell in love with Everlast from then on.
Damn that man is fione!
But Greg found it and sent it to me. I was so overcome with joy, I’ve earned the nickname ghettogrrl from Darryl and Justin.
homegrrls
And speaking of friends, my girl Shelly is flying out here for Thanksgiving to visit me. I haven’t seen her in about 2 years.
It was so fucked because we were attempting to make plans for the last few months now, but, something always came up. With the holidays upon us and since I have school starting in January, it was either now or later. Thankfully it’s now. 🙂 She’s going to be in town for a week!
morning dew
it’s now 6am and i’ve been up for about an hour. Justin has started working at PBI officially and his schedule is now 6a-3pm. This cut into our time together in the morning when he, darryl and i would car pool to get everyone to work by 8am. With justin leaving slightly earlier, darryl and i have had to make arrangements to get to work.
this isn’t really a big deal. if we leave by 7am-ish, we can still get to work without taking the car pool lanes. darryl keeps pushing me to pick-up singular people who want to car pool, but, since i smoke it seems (to me) that someone is going to get snotty on my ass for doing so in my own car. I would rather leave earlier then worry about it anyway. the only thing is, with NOT car pooling, I can’t yell “SUCKERS!” as we zipped by the poor souls who were stuck in the gridlock on the bridge. Now i’m a part of those poor souls. :/
I love the early morning hours. I love how quiet it is, and how the world seems to be half asleep. There is no traffic when I take Justin to BART in the morning…
OHMYGOD!
Sometime ago, I had received an email from someone asking me what my website had to do with spanking. Since this person was referring to my other domain, simunye.com, I replied “Nothing. Why do you ask?”. The person emailed me back and just said something along the lines of “I was just curious.”
So it’s some time later, and I go and check to make sure links are working properly before i upload this page. I go to Shelly’s page and find that from the several hundred hits she’s gotten since I’ve put the page up in January of this year, she’s now up to almost 4000!!
On several of my pages, I’ve been using counters from an old provider I worked with. 😉 I know how to configure them without having an account there. I had made sure I made something esoteric so that no one else would be using it on their webpage. Since Shelly’s page has been hit so damn much, I check to make sure that someone isn’t using that counter somewhere else. No, it’s not.
So it dawns on me, that since in her title bar it says “Shelly C. Brown’s Very Own Spanking Web Page”, she’s being pulled up in search engines when someone does a search for “spanking”. The title can be read two ways: The way I wrote it and if you read it again, it makes it sound like the site is about spanking. Hahahahaha. That is just too goddamn funny!
Well it’s getting late and I have to go jump in the shower. I’m fueled by coffee and have to go brave the morning traffic to get to work. Tonight is Internet 101, which I teach at work.
Have a good day y’all. 😉
Read the title bar now in your browser. 😉
dropping eggs
When I was about 8 or 9, I was in a convenience store (too high falutin to say 7-11) with my mom, when I started feeling sudden sharp pains going across my belly. I bended over in pain and my mother, worried, gave me keys to her car so that i could go lie down
once we rushed home (and i was obviously feeling a bit better), I went right into the bathroom and pulled down my pants. Splattered on my panties and thighs was dark red blood stains. My mother, a nurse, said not to worry. It wasn’t that uncommon and helped clean me up. She gave me a maxi-pad and showed me how to take care of it myself.
My mother was pretty liberal in those days and when the bleeding didn’t stop after the first day, she defended me in school when the teacher assumed I had been lying as to why i had to go to the bathroom. The probability in 1980 that an 8 year old girl could have her period just didn’t jive with her. The old bat died from alcoholism sometime after that, so again proof that karma works.
Anyway, my own body has been growing significantly since I was 8 years old (and anyone who declares that childhood is a wonderful time is full of crap and needs to stop seeing new age therapists) and just as my friends bodies have also changed. We have grown hips (or not), grown breasts (or not) and gotten taller (or not) and our faces have matured. when i look at pictures of me at the ages of 8, 14, 17, 21 and now 26; i still see the same “face” but i’ve also seen how it’s grown.
however my body has grown in different ways. I’ve gained and lost close to a few hundred pounds since I was about 15. My hair has changed color so many times that even I can’t remember what it was originally. My bra size has grown from a 34b to a 36d. My period, however, has been the only constant thing since I was 8 years old.
It has always been fucked up, and this is why it’s been constant.
After that incident when I was 8, I never was regular again until I was 13. My body, mature enough to have children, started dropping eggs once a month like clockwork. Then I started getting bad cramps, thrown in with severe depression before my period, and then stopped getting my period for months at a time. I wasn’t sexual active and knew I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t under any real stress other than “normal”, yet for some reason I wasn’t having my period.
We went to the doctors and found out I had some version of juvenile edometriosis and further testing from the “doctor” showed I “may” not be able to have children in the future. He put me on birth control pills and left me be.
Over the years, I’ve been on birth control as if it were life saving medicine. Without taking the birth control, the cramping would start, the heavy bleeding would begin and I would sink into a pms-induced depression that made no rhyme or reason. And! If I even so much as skipped a week or two because of I had forgotten to…
Okay, it’s now 11.12.98. This is one of the lamest and most tooth pulling chronicle.
The point being:
I got my period. I haven’t gotten it in three months. Now I feel all squeaky clean.
i don’t need yours because i have one of my own
I don’t know if this was covered yet (you think you can swallow it), but sometime ago, my friend Jessica wrote me this email in regards to my website. She liked the idea of doing an on-line journal, but had some trepidations about doing it. Namely, do I censor myself and how do those closest to me feel about what i write?
the question is a good one, and thankfully i thought i had all the answers. justin supports me in everything that I do, primarily with my writing so what i have to say, really doesn’t bother him. but do i censor myself?
yes, i do.
in a way, i was disgusted with that answer. and with how i felt about everything else, that made sense as to why i would feel disgusted. people often see me as being this raw sort of person and i feel that i am. but i started to notice that when i would write da’ chronicles, that i was blocking things that i would never admit or revel to the public at large.
for what reason, i can’t be too sure. but some include that many people that i would probably bitch about and complain about DO read my pages and suddenly i’m taking their feelings into consideration. they would probably ask me “why can’t you talk to me about this to my face?” and i wouldn’t have a very good answer other than “i dunno.” and as i write this, i realize that i have covered this before. *shrug* i’m old at 26. shoot me. 😉
anyway, there is a lot of stuff i think about, that i have never even thought about including in da’ chronicles. my relationship with justin, how i really feel about him. people that i work with, play with and socialize with. my relationship with my parents. stuff that would be considered really personal and stuff i probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable sharing.
but today a productive day. i finally got my cd’s in order and pulled out the crappy ones i have never listened to (a rob-ism: if you don’t use it for 6 months you don’t need it). sonya took some of them home. i’m either going to pitch them to a few mailing lists i’m on or else just take them to a place that purchases used cd’s. and while i was making notes of additions and subtractions from the collection, i started using an old journal that i had.
i have this thing for buying notebooks (whether softbound or hardcover) that are blank pages so that i can jot something down in it daily. daily ruminations about crap that bothered me, but i knew in my heart that i was censoring myself even then. not as badly as i was here on the web, but i still wouldn’t admit even privately to myself what i really felt. how fucked up is that when you actually carry two journals: one for public and one for private showing?
to me, it’s extremely fucked up. fucked up enough to have me analyze it. well just kidding, but i think part of who i am is found is this simple analogy. i have a public and private side to me, both which are equal to each other. sometimes it may be more dark and other times it may be more complex and other times it’s fluffy like cotton candy.
i liked the idea of keeping a private journal.
the reasoning has to do more with getting rid of my depression than anything else. oh be sure i’ll still be as scintillating as ever, but perhaps keeping two journals i can reach down and write about stuff that really matters (to me) and really bothers me.
the bright side is that i won’t sit here and debate on whether or not i will be mentioning the fact i bought new nail polish called cherrywood.
(but you already did that lisa…)
it’s called allegory! or something. so kindly stop walking across my freshly washed kitchen floor!
that’s great it starts
smoke is going up my nose. ick.
da’ chronicles is evolving. i get a new idea every other week or so, so it’s original content is certainly blooming. personally, i don’t think it would have shaped into what it is now if i had sat down with a story board and done it all in one sitting. i keep adding and changing the site content. please lord, if you are up there, don’t make me get a brand new spanking idea about design. i simply couldn’t handle it.
last night, after updating da’ chronicles, i went on IRC. i was thoroughly bored, and justin was downloading some update on his computer. he was intent on watching tv, so i got on-line and configured irc on his machine.
one of the channels i always frequent, is #philosophers. i get on-line and see the usual parade of souls that frequent the channel. one of the usual cast of characters, Eroticide, is on the channel, except he’s masquarding under a different nick. he says “hello lisa rabey” as if he is being clever. i had checked my stats and noticed that he had been to my site. i ask him what he think, and he says something about how pompous and egotistical i am. i ask him why he thinks i’m being pompous and egotistical, and he says because i own a domain (well actually three domains, but i won’t needle it) and i “plaster my journals on the web”. i started laughing, and i tell him that it is illogical, because it is. i’ve been keeping an on-line journal since 1995 (or thereabouts), and that’s hardly egotistical and pompous. he goes off on some lame rant, and i just kind of keep laughing. he’s so lame. i tell him it’s no different then his self-styled prose that he kept on his website. i tell him to grow some balls. he says ‘okay’.
the irony is that later on, i was checking my stats again, and he had gone back to my site a few hours later.
fucking hypocrite.
i’m angry.
i’m so ticked off, that driving over to el cerrito this afternoon, i started grinding my teeth. hard.
I spoke to michael this afternoon, and he asks how i’m doing. i say ‘fine.’ and he says that it sounds like i’m down in the dumps again, and i say ‘yeah, i am. it’s never ending. every year from october to february, i’m thoroughly depressed.’ and he says ‘maybe you have seasonal depression.’ and i say ‘yeah, i was diagnosed that years ago.’ and he says ‘maybe you need some sunshine.’ and i say ‘why do you think i moved to california?’ and start laughing. and he starts laughing as well, and then we make plans to meet on wednesday, sans justin and karena.
right when i was typing up the above, justin called and asked me to come pick him up. i picked him up at bart and he saw how depressed i was looking. i asked him what he wanted to do tonight (if anything) and he started throwing off the usual (tennis being the first one). I shrug my shoulders and mention something about going to Lucky’s to pick up coffee and bagels for breakfast tomorrow. He asks if I want to go to the bookstore, and i swear, my eyes lit up. I was thinking earlier today when I was running errands of going to borders in Emeryville, and decided against it. I just came home and started working on da’ chronicles.
so justin and i go to borders, and it is his idea, so we are not having issues about it. i walk around happy with my mocha freeze, and justin says if there is anything i want, to pick it up. for the life of me, i can’t remember what it is that i want, and i start to panic. i know i want a mocha freeze, so i get that. but as for books, i can’t remember which ones i was thinking about getting. i know that i have about 50 books in a pile that i have attempted to start reading and never finished. plus justin and i have our list of books that we wanted to get from the 100 best list. We had looked at amazon.com for the books and did notice they were noticeably cheaper.
so we are walking around, and i think i don’t want anything heavy, and he buys four sci-fi books to read, and i pick up some book. and we head off towards natural sciences and i pick up fermat’s enigma, which is about the solving of fermat’s theorem. basically the holy grail of the mathematics world. so i’m getting immersed with that, and we start walking around. justin is looking at computer books, and he asks me what MAC means in the PC terminology, and i say ‘i dunno.’ and he goes to explain it to me. and i say ‘oh yeah. each nic card has it’s own address that is independent of any other nic card.’ and justin kinda looks at me like ‘how did you know that?’ and i just shrug my shoulders and we sm00ch and keep looking around.
i walk past the humor section and see that Bill Gate’s Personal, Super-Secret, Private Laptop is on sale, and i think to myself that i gotta tell Traci about it because she loves anything anti-M$. and as we are walking towards the checkout, we head towards the periodical section and justin makes a bee-line towards computers and i head towards the chicky magazines. i flip through some of the somewhat decent ones and yawn. chicky mags are so damn boring. i start checking out the eclectical section, and i’m obsessed with the mag paper which is generated towards high falutin society folk in New York. and Justin makes fun of me, like he made fun of me getting a cell phone. fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads.
the other night i was doing something. i don’t quite remember what it was, but it sparked me about being rich.
i mean really rich.
so i’ve decided, that being poor really sucks. that living hand to mouth is for losers, and that i’m going to be a millionaire by the time i’m 35. No more living in East Oakland baybee anymore. I will have homes in New York and oh, Paris. and be this great writer who writes scathing stories and I will have a Pulitzer by the time I’m 35 as well. Fuck this noise.
all saints day
my grandmother, bernice preiss, died 26 years ago today. please observe a moment of silence for this remarkable woman.
i’ve spent about 6 hours today watching movies, four of which were spent watching Gone With The Wind. The irony of this is that after I read Atlas Shrugged, i started pinpointing the plot similarities between GWTW and AS. I’ve talked and talked about this previously before, and everyone thinks i’m being on crack. But trust me, read GWTW and AS, and tell me that Ayn Rand stole quite a bit from Margaret Mitchell. Michael said that Rand admired Mitchell. I guess it is true, imitation is the best form of flattery.
i’m having intense issues.
i feel fat, just got the pictures back from all the previous parties as well as our trips, and i look HORRENDOUS. so it’s weight issues, and love issues. justin is getting on my last nerve. basically everyone is getting on my nerves. my stomach hurts, and i’ve got a zit, and i feel like crap.
i don’t feel like talking much, so i’m not.
definitions
i got several emails to what a quasi-fivesome meant, so basically here is the story:
several months ago, we had a party/bbq at our house. as the night wore on, i ended up kissing several women, several men. justin was there and he kissed a girl or two, and we were all drunk, so it was basically in all good fun.
the fivesome (me, justin, one other guy and two girls) proceed to cathleen’s room, from where we move into my bedroom. justin and i started fucking on the floor, the other three started fucking on the bed. one of the girls came to where we were at, and i started messing with her (while still fucking justin). after that, i climbed off of justin, hopped on the bed. i started making out with the other girl while be fingered by the other boy. and then justin got uncomfortable, so we left.
and that was it.
men in black
last night (10.28.98), justin and i get home from work. it’s roughly about our usual time. i pull up and park in the driveway, wade through the dogs, turn all the lights on. For the first time in ages, i go and pick up our newspaper from our front sidewalk. as i walk back up the steps, i keep hearing “lisa. lisa. lisa!” i stop and go ‘yeah?’ and then i hear “lisa rabey?” i kinda freak out, and walk back slowly into the house and lock the door. justin was in the bathroom, and i wait till he’s done doing what he’s doing, i tell him what is going on. he walks back the sun room and opens the front door to go outside.
the truck that the person was sitting in, was no longer there. as i look up the street, i see that he’s made a left onto an adjacent street. i continue looking and he just turns around and drives back down my street, albeit slowly. i jump up and down and point out to justin that it’s him. we watch the truck drive slowly down the street, and i start getting freaked out all over again.
I started thinking about it over and over in my head, wondering what had happened? Did I mistakenly think that someone said my name? no, my name is fairly unique, and you can’t really fuck up saying it. cathleen thought it may have be da’ chronicles, but honestly, there is nothing here that really tells me about where or what i am. sure you may think you know me, but, other than my pager number (big woop) and notating where i live (bay area California), there is no way you are going to figure out who i am. and considering i’m not as stupid to leave my home address on the web, i don’t know how this person could have found me.
there is no utilities in my name. the phone lines belong to my roommates. my car payment and everything else get sent to a different address. the car i drive is under someone else’s name (i got a co-signer). and there is no way, even with all the information available -here- on the web, that you could figure out what i really look like anyway. especially in the dark.
we are bringing the dogs in at night now. i feel much safer that way.
tomorrow, i’m calling the police. i had spoken to cathleen and christine about it as well, and we’ve decided to be ultra careful about this.
dead letter office
lately, i’ve been getting a rush of fan letters. as stated previously, i’ve gotten fan mail over the years, but now that my site is growing in readership, that will logically induce more mail.
in the beginning, i used to answer all the fan mail that i received coming in. i was always generously touched by what people thought of my website. i always took the criticism well (i thought) and just wanted to be personable enough to respond back to the people who took the time to email me in the first place.
but the trend i’m noticing, is that when i respond to a person’s email, they don’t always write me back. i’ve pounded my head sometimes thinking of what i’ve done that could have made them upset or not want to email me back, but i’ve come across several reasons why:
- it’s pretty obvious that keeping an on-line journal means (at least to me) that i’m opening up myself much more to the world, and that while someone may know all about me, i will obviously not know all about them. this could be just disturbing (i would think).
- they just don’t care. i don’t know, i could be pretty pompous and liken myself to a celeb, but in a sense it’s true. as long as they are watching from the sidelines, personal dope (meaning email) from me isn’t all that fantastic. it’s like if i got a letter from michael stipe or something, i would probably be in shock and not know how to answer it.
maybe those excuses sounded lame, and i definitely don’t want to come off being snotty. it’s just that, i really think it’s great people like what i do, so, i think considering the above with this probably being the second attempt that i’m being stalked, that i’m holding off answering ‘fan mail’. so if you don’t hear from me, please don’t assume i’m ignoring you. i’m not, i’m just paranoid :)but i do want to thank victoria and shelia. thanks to those two, my site has nearly tripled the hits in one day. i checked it this morning, and nearly spit out my iced mocha when i saw the numbers. i was like “what the hell?” and i checked the email account i log all my mail from this site to see a number of fan mail. ‘woah’. i’m famous, and i didn’t have to take off any of my clothes! :)Check out Victoria’s page. She’s got me listed and even quote’s my poetry 🙂 woah. i think my poetry is all crap anyway, but we will NOT get into a long discussion of my self-worth at the moment.
Basically, you guys just rock :))
never there
so, a few issues ago, i stated that i got into contact with my friend Jeff after a fight we had some time ago. Jeff has been a fan of my site, and since i know him pretty well (duct tape, ohh yeah!) that i’ve been attempting to keep in touch with him now that i’ve found him again. i’ve gotten in touch with him a few days ago, and he sends me mail about how the other white jeff is now engaged.
this threw me for a loop last night. i was all set to do da’ chronicles, but, i found i was more depressed than anything. i went to bed early, snuggling up with a book.
this afternoon, i got a letter from jeff responding to my previous email, and he wanted me to clarify something for him. i ended up writing this long diatribe about how i felt (about jeff’s engagement) and then i started getting really angry.
i’ve been trying to pinpoint why i’ve been angry, and it’s not the fact that the other white jeff and i broke up. that’s no big deal, i’ve been dumped before. but what i was upset about is how callous and how careless he was towards me, and how i basically put up with it for so damn long. if i had stopped thinking with my pussy, and started thinking with my head, i would have fared much better. but i didn’t and here i am, nearly a year after the breakup, ready to kill people again.
i apologized profusely to jeff about this. it’s not his fault, and i know he knew i wanted to know, regardless of how i felt. i like jeff, personally, and i don’t want to him to think that i’m only speaking to him because we have a common ‘friend’ (snort). that’s not true at all. jeff and i have had many conversations, long before i met his ‘friend’, and i didn’t need to spend my time bringing all this crap up again.
(but you are now lisa, hello!)
yeah, i am. but it’s just that, it bothers the hell out of me how he broke it off with me and how, later i found, he broke it off with other people in rather immature and lame moves (like over group email).
people just get on my left nerves, and dammit, it irks me.
my consolation is that, what comes around, goes around. i take faith in karma and believe that he will someday get his. either he will tire of this new fling (which has happened before) and or she will break his heart. basically, it’s he that has to deal with his fucked up bullshit, not me. and i won’t keep adding more pressure to my relationship with justin (which, is actually fine) about this crap. it’s not worth it. i won’t intentionally sabotage my relationship with him for some dumb prick who looks icky in shorts. heh. that alone is my personal salvation. i keep thinking about the other white jeff, leaning back in his chair, with his fat hairy belly hanging over his shorts. i chuckle and realize all is good with the world again.
Side note: I’ve just went and grabbed my aol mail. If one more nit wit sends me a piece of spam entitled “Virtual Boy/GirlFriend”, I will scream!!
ARGH!!!
I do IM sometimes. You can find me as either LinuxGurl or MISGawdess 😉
black metallic
in some sort of impulse nature, i dyed my hair black. well, it’s not really “black”, but more dark brown. however with how my hair absorbs hair color, it *looks* black.
when i got into work yesterday, people were like “you did something to your hair?”
i told them i dyed my eyebrows.
shallow (last exit to yuppieville)
i’m finally getting a cellular phone.
this is damn frightening.
i guess flirting with the salesman helps with the deal.
i don’t know what it is about me and yuppie-ness, it’s not that i hate yuppies, but it’s that a lot of the people who fit the stereotype fit it too damn well. i have issues with people who drive the right kind of cars, and go to certain places and do all the right things.
san francisco is a city that places a lot of importance on materialistic ideals, and the problem is that since i’ve been living on the west coast, i’ve slowly started becoming one of THEM.
someone help me.
here are some points that i’m referring to:
- I know how to serve red wine.
- I know when to serve white and red wine.
- My two favorite types of cheese are feta and brie.
- I own a cellular phone, three domains, a pager, and am in a highly visible job.
- I’ve contemplated about purchasing stocks.
- I’ve shown interest in getting together a 401k.
- My car is a 1998 Saturn. It’s black.
- I’ve kissed a girl.
- I’ve participated in a quasi-fivesome.
Granted these things may not seem to be very yuppish, but they are totally Californian in attitude. Seriously, a few years ago, the idea of doing any of the above or even thinking about doing the above wouldn’t’ have entered into my mind. I used to be a person who loved her piercings, wearing black and driving around in my ’88 Subaru (which had a ton of stickers plastered on it). Some things gone awry!
the more i think about it, the more disgusted i find myself. this is not who i want to be, but yet it’s so appealing.
well, i can take pride in the fact that i’m not hanging out at Bruno’s every weekend.in a fit of rage, i wore all black yesterday, but i felt like the stereotypical goth girl, and we couldn’t have that now can we?
i dunno, if someone mentions that i’m growing up, i’ll smack them in the face.
i think the disgusting part, is that i signed up for the cellular service today, i started dancing around the office going “i’m getting a cellular, i’m getting a cellular”.
my logic is that i need it for those extra long commutes into the city.
uh, yeah right.
she’s my friend
my friend traci asked if i was ever going to mention her in da’ chronicles, so here i am.
i’m going to kick your ass!
texture
so here i’m sitting at my comp, with my headphone’s on my ears. justin is playing some fucked up tennis game on his comp, and i’m listening to catherine wheel:ferment.
our big halloween party is this saturday (which would naturally fall on halloween, how convenient). i’m dressing up like Siouxie from Siouxie and the Banshee’s. Justin is going as me. unfortunately, he can fit in my clothes better than i. which isn’t all that odd considering that a majority of the men i’ve dated in the past few years have this thing for wearing my clothes. well, at least they aren’t as bad as christian, who not only liked to wear my clothes, but be called Kelly and be fucked up the ass with a dildo.
why am i talking about this?
because a year and a half later i think it’s funny.
okay, that sounds like a good enough reason.
i’m finding myself extremely bored. the last few issues of da’ chronicle have been lame. i missed a streak in my hair. we just hired a new CFO and CTO. I’m IS working with BS because if I don’t work here, I’ll be SOL.
acronyms are so lame.
i’m audi five thousand g!
plus it doesn’t help that Justin was peeking over my shoulder every few minutes. My copy of Eudora is acting weird, and I’m tempted on moving over to another email program. my new shoes ROCK! but they are a bit too big. i love my hair in pigtails. big hair rocks. unfortunately my foot’s asleep.
not today, not tomorrow
i was going to talk about nt, but realized that i don’t wanna. i hate our nt machine. which, thankfully, is no more. i had reset all the permission sets because previously i had given everyone admin access (don’t bitch. the machine was isolated on the network). and then someone went through and changed everything. Dapper Don doubts that anyone could have reconfigured it, but, anyone who works at slip.net is a sneaky bitch as a given. the machine was fucked to begin with. just like all machines at work.
there is something fundamentally exhiltering about using fdisk and format.
:q!
i’ve got the knack!
yesterday when i got my phat slip.net paycheck, i had to drive out to the east bay to cash my it (long story), and since it was Friday and it was getting later in the afternoon, I got caught in early commuter traffic. What would normally take me 15 minutes to drive, took me nearly 1/2 hour.
I don’t like other drivers (other than myself, of course). Primarily those who drive bee-em-double u’s, jag’s, mercedes, volvo’s and any other expensive cars. They always think they have the right away, solely based on the fact that they think they own a better car. these same people always tend to be the worst drivers i’ve come across in ages (ie: they should be allowed to cut in front of me during heavy traffic).
Thursday night was such an example. Justin and I were attempting to drive home after work. for the most part, traffic isn’t that bad after 5pm, however that night it seemed worse than usual. a simple drive around the block turned into the nightmare.
there are several on-ramps for the bridge within a general mile radius, however, people would cut over from other lanes to get into the almost snails pace lane that lead onto the bridge. after being cut off several times by the offending cars listed above, i finally put my foot down (as it were) and stopped letting these assholes in front of me. it got to the point, where one car had to drive up on the curb because i wouldn’t let him in. If i had to suffer for x amount of minutes fucking waiting to get on the bridge, why should i let some jerk get my rightful spot? justin was amused. he always thinks my driving is death defying, but it isn’t. truly. i call it ‘defensive driving, 101’.
in other news, justin got the job at PBI (pacific bell internet), my old alma matter. he’s going to be making nearly twice what i make now! he’s doing simple tech support, while I’m theoretically IS (information systems). It’s sickening to know that he’s making more money than i, however, it is extremely exciting to not be rolling fucking pennies to survive. mayhap that is the extreme, but you do get my point.
i was amazingly not as uptight about traffic as i usually am. karena once commented that i was unusually patient whilst driving. she noted that she probably would have gotten quite upset with traffic or been overly irrational. i do get that way sometimes, but just being patient with traffic does help. you are obviously not going to get any further yelling and screaming. plus i have a ton of new cd’s and always available pack of cigarettes to help with the time.
which brings me up to something interesting.
on my so-called lunch hour the other day (Friday), I ran into the The Wherehouse (a record store in Berkeley) looking for cake’s new cd. while browsing for it, i found that everlast has a new cd out called Whitey Ford Sings the Blues. I remember Everlast from before he was in House of Pain, when he released his debut album Forever Everlasting. god, he is just so damn hot. 😉
Anyway, instinct told me to purchase the album, which i did. and damnit, if it doesn’t just rock! very spiritual, upbeat, hip-hop, and just plain rocking. for a white boy, he does have soul 😉
however, the problem i’m having is finding a copy of his first release Forever Everlasting. It was released by Warner Brother Records in 1990, and according to some sources, is still in print, however I can’t find it anywhere. I have searched cd now, cd universe, amazon.com, musicblvd, and a host of other speciality stores to no avail. this plain just sucks. so if you or anyone else knows of where i can get a copy, please email me and lets hook something up! but don’t email me to tell me to try WB, because i’ve already done that 😉
new edition
one of the precepts of moving into our place was that cathleen be responsible for her pets. at that time, she had two cats and three fish. now we are up to four cats and one fish. 😉 no… the cat’s didn’t eat the other two fish. one of the fish is a catfish, and he is really vicious. if he’s not fed a x time everyday, he attacks the gold fish. now we just have a cat fish.
the inheritance of the other two cat’s came when christine lived in an area that was over run with cats, and had adopted a litter of stray kittens to make sure they weren’t going to go feral. since my cat merlin had gotten wild and my other cat sammy had gotten hit by a car, christine thought it would be a good idea to give me one of these kittens for my own.
this is how we inherited killer.
killer is one of those cats that you would literally think about taking to the pound. when we first got her, we trained her to use the litter box, but within a week of that training, she would get so upset with us that she would start shitting in my bedroom. and she had this tendency to jump and claw people for no reason. she gets along fine with cathleen to an extent, but justin and i can’t stand her. Justin calls her the personification of evil. She’s not friendly, loveable or even remotely cuddly. she just whines, hisses and shits all over the place.
when christine was moving in with fran, she had to make sure her two dogs, BadDog and Jennie, were going to be taken care of. That wasn’t a big issue since we have a large backyard and could easily do it. what became an issue was that cathleen opted to have us take the stray kitten left over from the litter and adopt it as our own.
this pissed me off, because while two of the cats, Muffin and BC, are outdoors for most of the time and can fend for themselves, they do get moods where they want to be indoors, which means more litter and also means food. which, for some periods, we don’t have. lack of money (and laziness on cathleen’s part 😉 meant no food for three cats for several days. killer needs her shots and needs to be spade, and we haven’t even attempted to do that! getting another cat, albeit killer’s sister, isn’t something we could afford.
i lost the argument.
so please welcome, into our nuthouse family, Zinfandel.
She’s the most amazing kitty i’ve had since Sebastian.
I’ve had my share of crazy cats: Chester (who still lives with my mom), who hates men and only comes to me and my mom. Simmy: twin sister to Merlin. She was fruitier than phil. Merlin went feral as soon as I moved to California. Sammy had the sweetest personality, but became the neighborhood cat, and was killed by a car. So the prospect of having another kitten, after all that trouble, wasn’t a huge hit with me.
But i’m falling in love with her.
Christine said that Zinny was a total outdoors cat. Since she was used to BadDog and Jennie, that wasn’t going to be an issue (unlike the other three who have been seriously freaking out since the dogs arrival less than a week ago). She said that Zinny was a bit standoffish and not cuddly.
Boy, was she wrong!
Zinny has taken over both Justin and I’s heart. She has a very good natured temperament, and is very cuddly and loveable. She loves to be petted and she’s so down to earth! Right now as we speak, she’s lying between my arms on my desk with her paws against my thumbs. 🙂 her favorite position seems to be on top of my monitor, on which she lies there watching me work. if i ever move from here, she’s definitely going with me. we just are bonding so.
Since the issue of money is now finally laid to rest, Justin and I went shopping Friday night and bought a 25lb bag of each: cat food, dog food and litter. Now I won’t feel so damn guilty with having four cats because now we can afford them. As soon as she’s old enough, we are taking both killer and Zinny to get spade. no more cats!
which brings up a funny incident…
today we decided to go grocery shopping. usually a chore i don’t mind doing, but justin hates it. since he is the bread winner in the family, he’s going to start paying for majority of the groceries. we get to lucky, and spend about 2 hours grabbing items and bickering about everything (what couple doesn’t do that?). after getting everything rung up, the bill comes to $166 dollars and change. We had bought -a lot- of stuff due to the fact that the outlet for the major appliances (fridge, stove, washer/dryer) had been down for a few days. so we had lost a lot of our regular food items that had spoiled. justin runs his debit card through. denied. justin runs it through again. denied. i run to the atm machine, and the most i can an pull out is 60 bucks! justin starts freaking out, and i calmly tell him that while he may have deposited his check, it hasn’t been processed. bank of america will allow up to $100 dollars taken out of the account till the deposit is processed. usually not a problem, but in an instance that you deposit it after 5pm on Friday then it’s a problem. so we had to do the ultimately white trashy thing and walk -away- after the clerk had rung up all those groceries.
god, how embarrassing.
the irony of that, was that i had left my money, in cash, at home. i had enough to cover for the food, and didn’t think twice about bringing it along with me. geez.
since we now had no groceries, we ran to taco bell for dinner. heh. and since we had a bit of money, we partook in a movie, Pleasantville, which was really good. The 60 bucks we had was blown after we got home. it’s amazing how much money you spend on a ‘date’
it was nice being with justin on an actual ‘date’ for once. we caught the movie and then spent some time in a bookstore afterwards. we looked around, checking out different topics while we sipped our hot cocoas and triple mocha iced lattes.
i miss doing stuff like that. now that money isn’t an issue anymore, i can’t wait till we start just doing -stuff-.
this one goes out to the one i love
First off, i wanted to say hi to jeff.
jeff and i found each other on #philosophy over two years ago. i thought he was a 40 year old so’n’so, and turns out he’s younger than me. 😉 he can be quite pissy at times, so thread gently as you enter. 😉
jeff and i talked about the other white jeff tonight, and in a sense questions that i wanted answers for were given. some of it was buried between the lines, and others were pretty much laid out plainly to see.
I couldn’t help flirting with Jeff, he brings that out in me.
i started thinking about all these wonderful things i was going to talk about right now. mainly about how i was happy for white jeff to have found someone, and then i realized, why kid myself? i mean, i keep obsessing over things that were never going to happen and things that should have happened and didn’t.
I obsess about a lot of things, and that i just one of my many quirks.
What I was actually surprised about was that Jeff read my webpage. He and I haven’t spoken in probably over a year, and mainly we stopped speaking over stupid shit. i always had a hunch that the tracks he was leaving behind on my logs were his, but, i didn’t want to start speculating again about being obsessive with fucking web logs.
jeff thought the entry i wrote on october 2nd was about him, and in a sense he’s right. because i have been thinking about him, and at one time i did have a crush on him. (HI Stebe!)
IRC is fucked like that.
I concluded the total irony of the whole situation, because after the whole debacle with the other white jeff, jeff and I are back where we were two years ago. it’s pretty obvious things some things never change.
I think i grew more angry at that, because i wanted to be able to say that all things have changed and i’m not the same person i was two years ago. but on the other hand, there are these dynamic things that we do that we can’t simply change.
no matter where you are, you are where you were in the first place.
there are a lot of things in my mind right now, but, it’s so damn late, and jeff and I as par usual stayed up for a few hours talking. i’ve smoked more than i care to remember, and my eyes are going heavy from being tired.
will report more from the bunker tomorrow.