i just removed a few paragraphs because what it was saying was not what i had wanted to say. i hate it when is start writing and it sounds like it’s convoluted between my fingers and the keyboard. i know that is the reason why i had purchased the practice books to start making my writing more stronger (is that even a proper sentence?) and i hate it when i start stumbling over things. It irritates me.
my mood changed almost 180 degrees sitting here listening to ‘stellar’ by incubus and ‘it’s been awhile’ by staind. in a sense, I’m getting home sick for grand rapids. and maybe it’s the memories. i have barely spoken two words to Danny in weeks now that he’s moved in with Karen and they are sharing a phone line. he hasn’t finished some of his projects in the house and the other night he IM’d me when i was at work and I couldn’t even really properly respond because there were other people in my cube.
i know it’s the weather. i definitely know it’s the weather. this up coming weekend tool is coming to the MCI center and it looks like an 80% chance that I’m going AND the tickets will be free AND i will be sitting my chubby little butt in boxed seats (hence why i haven’t talked to Danny because the last time i saw tool was with him in ’96 and he’s a much larger tool fan than i and i guess other than Paul, anyone I’d want to go with me is him — even though Paul isn’t going). tool’s song ‘schism’ is playing right now on spinner and I’m really excited as I’m also seeing tori next Sunday night (yeah when i do concerts, i really do them). my friend heather needs a concert buddy and i volunteered to make myself that buddy. we get along pretty well, so why not? it’s either that or sit glued in front of my computer screen all night and personally, i would rather sit there and drool over both maynard and tori — but that is just me.
i got an intense feeling of melancholy this afternoon being with rob, as we were wandering around his new area of ballston/arlington and had shuffled off to Ikea together to buy crap. I’ve been altering lately between being really content and not wanting to rock the boat and wanting to stand up and just shake the living fuck out of it.
right now my life is pretty content. I’ve got a roof over my head, a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out if i choose. I’ve got a job, money in my pocket and materialistically everything I’ve wanted (to an extent, but hey i don’t think I’ll be wearing the hope diamond anytime soon) but I’m not really happy. I’m not unhappy, I’m in this middle of the lane change and i have no idea what’s driving me crazy. things could be worse but then again, a lot of my stresses that would drive other people insane (like the whole situation with my mom) just kind of rolls of my back. There are definitely things i want to do but I’m afraid to move. I don’t feel like I’m suffocating just yet, just that I’m happily treading in water.
You do need to learn how to doggy paddle before you learn how to swim.
x0x0x
Lisa
Tag: Bipolar
almost famous
news and reviews:
I’ve been wanting for a long time to make my website pda enabled (well, since i found out that waitingforbob.com was pda and Netscape channlized) and i finally figured out how. if you want TLC on your pda, just go here and follow the instructions. Bop me an email if you have any questions.
This weekend was a very slow and lazy weekend — the kind where paul and i did not have guests so we could relax but on the flip side i was so wired from — something (dunno what) that i couldn’t sit still for longer than five minutes at a time. i bounced around from cleaning to organizing to walking the dogs because no one could stay put in the same spot. on the flip side, paul was so bored that he took a three hour nap yesterday afternoon to relieve the boredom.
my mind was whirling at a speed i couldn’t comprehend. i would walk around doing stuff thinking of better and shorter ways to organize and clean. i couldn’t walk in the bathroom without putting towels away and putting towels away meant doing laundry and doing laundry meant i had to clean up the bedroom. so the simple act of putting something away was prolonged by insistence on doing 15 different things at once.
one of my obsessive/compulsive is cleaning and paul calls me the goff martha stewart because i love to clean. I’ve always admired working with my hands and putting things in order so that it is just so. I’m not so anal that there are not mess’s laying around but there is an order to the chaos of our lives and that order is me.
so i cleaned and organized and sorted and did things that i haven’t been able to do in the preceding weeks (paul cooks — we’ll just leave it at that) and finally crashed early later on in the after noon.
it all started when i was sitting on irc and someone brought up the infamous sexchart of which I am listed (just do a find for simunye — you’ll find me). Which made me REALLY FUCKING ANGRY! I sat there snapping to people on irc about something that happened to me only four years ago and yet feels like a lifetime ago.
Some of it came out in the open in the news two years ago when I sang to the major papers (and never following up on my chances for writing for wired — second time in my life I’ve blown a major opportunity like this) about my relationship with se7en which seems like a nightmare and a life time many times removed from now.
the anger subsided later on in the night when paul and i had hit the local barnes and noble and i got a tall raspberry mocha frap (i am a trend setter — starfucks is now selling a ‘raspberry mocha chip’ frap in their stores. i don’t drink that swill — just mocha frap with raspberry syrup for me thanks).
but i couldn’t place my finger on what was making me so angry — so much has changed in the last four years since i moved to san francisco (almost four years to the day) and since when i left for Virginia. i sat there in the car just staring into space trying to think why i was so pissed, and not one goddamn reason was coming up. maybe because it was with my relationship with christian where i had laid all my eggs in one basket and they got scrambled or the thinking that my relief of finding someone like me wasn’t even close to being true. maybe it was the lies, the cheating and how i had fucked him in the summer of 97 when he was cheating on me with someone who he cheated on with me in Vegas. I still remember the look on his face when he told me he was breaking up with me — or the look on my face when i was jumping around for joy in my brain. I remember sitting in the bathroom at 4am in the morning writing in my journal about how much i hated laying next to him when i had no where else to go. I hated feeling weak and insecure and unloved.
with the help of Dr. B (indirectly I’ll add), I’ve been making a timeline in my head of where everything fell apart — and it was always with the men (which, one shrink had pointed out so wisely to me many years ago). With each passing relationship, where i had thrown myself into thinking i was in love with them, and getting trampled on only to have hurt the ones who have really loved me (danny, justin, and now paul). I think about this a lot – that the new spanking apartment in Herndon is still the crappy old apartment in El Cerrito, CA because in my head while the things around me have changed significantly, what is in my head has not. I still feel trapped and scared and unwilling to deal with what is truly bothering me than dealing with the present. and the past. and the future.
haven’t you ever just wanted to say “enough is enough” – but I’ve been screaming enough is enough for a long time now and I’m not getting any response back. i feel like the little boy who cried wolf — that simply (and honestly) no one believes me. it makes me smile saying that because in my youth — and to me my youth was in my early 20s, i always thought that the man i was with ‘right now’ was the one who was ‘forever’ — instead of just saying ‘he is mr right now’. but i was young and foolish and what did i know from any better on anything at that time other than i just wanted, simply and honestly, to be loved.
i wish someone had explained to me long time ago how to be more rational instead of being pigheaded and stubborn. i look at paul and i know deep in my heart we are meant to be together but from somewhere within I’m not allowing it to happen. to be relaxed and to watch him and love him. it was so easy a few years ago when he was 3000 miles away and like everyone before him, i have him and i don’t know what to do with him.
everyone wants me to talk, because i never say anything about me anymore anywhere i just agree and ask questions and forget what i asked. i want to learn about the people around me but forget when they tell me things because somewhere, unconsciously, perhaps i don’t care. or perhaps i care too much? it doesn’t hurt anymore thinking about it — i suppose the Effexor is good for one thing is stabilizing my emotions but for the last two years, i haven’t had that many emotions to deal with. i worry about the people who loved me I’ve left behind and about not being a good enough employee, girlfriend, daughter, sister daughter or lover.
i remember the ages of my youth falling with a twinkle in my eye and I’m watching paul going through what i went through less than a decade ago. i remember thinking i was never ever going to put myself in the position to be in a relationship with someone unless i was truly passionate about them and i remember what it was like being passionate and feeling i was in love with paul and knowing even know that i am but feel dead inside for no real discerning reason. sometimes i would think i would give up some things in my life only to feel alive like i did when i was younger and more naive because the i had not learned or handed myself to the ways i was now.
even then when i hated myself for being so impassioned i would look at this new self even more and shudder thinking what it was like to become her and how did she end up like this? i wish there was a way to chip the ice off of my heart so i can feel the love i feel for paul instead of looking at him sometimes waiting for him to leave like everyone else did before or lie or cheat or say something to make me wish i was noting more than a mattress with a hole in it. i wish i could feel the rage and the passion and the ups and the down of life instead of feeling like I’m drifting off into no mans land, on an ice cube in the Arctic.
i think you get my point.
x0x0x0x
lisa
sometimes a cigar is just a cigar
it’s going on 11pm and I’m already thumbing my nose at the shrink.
you see, in approximately 9.5 hours, I’ll be sitting down with one Dr. Buyse to discuss my issues.
At 250 bucks an hour, she better be good.
But i have issues with going to the shrink.
It’s long been suggested to me that I see a shrink. in fact I’ve been in and out of therapy since i was NINE. but no, I’m too strong to see someone. why do i need a shrink? i mean, most of them are full of crock pot theories and BS anyway. I’ve been to so many doctors, *I* should have the Phd, not the other way around. according to them, i have seasonal depression, manic depression, obsessive/compulsive disorder, anxiety issues, separation issues, first child issues. need i go on? I’m not making this up, if in all honesty i were really that sick, i would be locked up somewhere banging my head against the wall.
but i digress.
so I’m sitting here wasting time instead of writing this new journal because I’m trying not to think about why I’m having issues about some woman whose as expensive as a Vegas hooker (i have “woman” issues as well it seems).
see, it’s really really simple:
a couple of months ago, when it all came down to the wire with my health and i was having panic attacks on an HOURLY basis, my doc suggested i see someone. so i said fine and i made an appointment. I make the appointment through Kaiser’s “behavioral health” clinic, where i pay my cheap ass co-pay to some person who is not a specialist but an overall therapist and that freaked me out. Because it freaked me out so much, I started doing some research on social and general anxiety disorders and came across some website for the such and such anxiety disorder group of America. i checked out Virginia and got a list of some shrinks in my area and call them to get more information.
Dr Buyse was the ONLY one who called me back.
which stands to reason, if you are serious shrink, why would you not call someone back — even to tell them you caseload was full? what if you had obsessive/compulsive disorder — you’d be sitting there having issues about it left and right.
right?
right.
so for the last month we’ve been playing phone tag. i call her, she calls me back. i call her back.
you get the drift.
A few weeks back, i go into work on a monday morning and get a message she had left me the night before. she called me at work. on. a. Sunday. Her voicemail explains she has an opening coming up and wants me to give her a call back. Since monday’s are ultra busy, I didn’t call her back that day. Tuesday I was out and Wednesday I was in back to back meetings. I call her early Thursday and leave her a voicemail. again.
she calls me back *at home* that night and attempts to chastise me. she proceeds to tell me her time is valuable and she gets TEN new referrals a WEEK. that the cost and time of such anxiety behavior is not beneficial to anyone if one is not making responsible decisions and especially when one is wasting her time (ie not calling her back on HER schedule).
I wanted to tell her “then why do you leave me voicemails on Sunday at my WORK number if it is so freaking important. Why didn’t you call me at home?”
but i didn’t. so I’ve been obsessing about not telling her that. I’ve been replying my conversations with her over and over in my head for the last week, because i was pissed off that here was a potential patient she was speaking with (me) and she’s basically putting the smack down on me for not calling her back on her schedule, which I was not aware of to begin with! When the conversation ended I asked her coldly what was the appropriate call back period when she left a message. She said “end of business day”.
I had been mulling this all over all week when she calls and leaves me a voicemail on my home machine the past Sunday that she had a monday appointment available at 8:30am. I call her back and leave her another voicemail telling her that I cannot make it, thank you for the offer and please call me back.
So her brusque receptionist calls me back a few days later and tells me that she does have an appointment on Friday at 8:30 am and that would i like it?
Which fucking ate into my chiropractor appointment at 10am.
So do I finally go see this woman or do I go get relief by having my back cracked. The chiropractor was getting irritated because I keep canceling and changing appointments around. I was getting irritated with the shrink.
Someone hates me up there.
I opted for the shrink appointment to finally get it over with. Telling this woman off, even at 250 dollars an hour, will make me feel better. Plus, I do have an appointment with the cheap (10 dollar) shrink later on next week.
How many people actually shop for shrinks?
In all honesty, I’m beginning not to care who i talk to as long as i talk to someone. i need to get some issues resolved and I’ve been putting it off for a long time. but there are a lot of things I’m sure she’ll tell me is not healthy (such as having a relationship with someone 8 years my junior) or what not. stuff i really do want to hear.
maybe I’m just projecting.
domainslut dot org
a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.
i got an email the other day from someone who wanted to congratulate me on writing such a strong first journal. i had to start laughing, because in all my efforts to shed certain personas i had finally gotten it right and someone who was unaware of nearly four years of archives from TLC was sitting mere hops away from where he is.
but it made me feel good in some sort of loved way as well.
but in case you haven’t figured it out, modgirl.net now points to the same ip as modgirl.net. I had moe just change the ips to point to modgirl’s so that there would be no more redirects. In essence, anyone who had bookmarked modgirl.net will not have to update them. However, this is not the lisa chronicles. but I still do suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.
the archives and a new site design will be coming in the future. I’ve been concentrating on content and not visual beauty.
schwa.
i had something else important.
oh yah. i got a promotion.
woofuckingwoo.
or something.
Excuse me for being in a dry wit mood. lately it seems that’s the only mood I’ve been in.
i prefer for it to be called bitter and cynical, but I’m sure someone will point out I’m having issues again.
x0x0x0x
lisa
insomnia strikes again
it’s apparently 2:33am and I’ve spent the better part of these early hours whittling down my email inbox from close to 60 personal emails to below 20. Some of you may think this is nothing — but — some of these go back over six months ago. I’m horrid, I know. So what happens when I whittle down my email? Inbound mail is spool’d and Moe is sleeping so I can’t kick him to unspool it. Murphy’s law #1.
As many of you may have noticed, modgirl.net is now up and running. however, while the main page looks okay, the archives and everything else i was salvaging from modgirl.net hasn’t been moved over yet. I’ve updated a few things on the premise that when i do the site redesign sometime this week, I’ll have everything up and clean. fresh start. what is even funnier is that modgirl.net is still getting massive hits but very few are trickling over here. which is fine by me i guess — i was getting disturbed by how people were finding me via my entries. what was interesting to note was that the NUMBER ONE THING for keyword that brought people to my site was “obsessive/compulsive/anxiety”. oh of course, sex ranked up there in the top 5, but i was just astounded by how many of my hits were coming from my cryptic discussions on the above diseases.
i am doing — okay.
that is about the only word i can describe at 2:37 in the morning right now. I’m on this mania high. my goal was to return all the email my cousins had sent me after my father had died (which i never did) and all the personal email in my inbox that i had not replied to in eons. one person (who thankfully has three email accounts) had his email bounce back to me twice (from two of those accounts). i was sitting there adding my “rings” to my brand spanking new yahoo id! (gotta love creativity — i refuse to have any “name” with numbers, underscores, hyphens or any other alphanumeric in it).
lately there has been this rash of “self-help” in the people who i know. everyone seems to be either sick, getting over themselves or making attempts to get better whether it’s physically, emotionally or just over all well-being. I’ve got five people using breathe-right strips after i told them it helped with me stop sleeping with my damn teeth grinding.
people are going to chiropractors, doing yoga and generally feeling more feisty.
the change in the weather has helped me calm down enormously. i no longer feel angry and when i do — it’s over something silly. I’m attempting to kid myself that I’ll wake up in three hours and be able to function.
but on the other hand, while i attempt to take a look at life and things around me (like noticing the sky the other night driving home and the sun filtering between the break in the clouds) or designs I’m seeing everywhere in nature, man-made and what not, slowly, very very very slowly; I’m starting to relax.
not much mind you.
but enough.
now only if i can stop eating Mickey d’s, my life would be complete.
x0x0x0x
lisa
not justin
to “not justin”:
i don’t know who you are — but you are giving me the willies. please stop attempting contact with me and please stop sending emails telling me i’ve dumped my dream guy. the past is over and done with and i’m very much in love with paul.
thank you and have a nice day.
fsck me
my plates came in.
i’m so surprised that the state of virginia allowed me to have the plate “FSCK ME”. There were bets going around due to the fact that a friend of ours who wanted “FSCK” was denied due to it’s implications (supposedly). I am now a “Linux Pronstar”. bow down before me for i give good head.
make it stop
i don’t know what it has been lately, but i’ve been feeling like two separate people are living inside of my body. the other day i got so angry on the way home from work that if someone was in the car with me (which they weren’t), i would have killed them. i don’t know why i was angry or why i would have killed them but the rage in my head is driving me insane. now i’m not talking about just straight off pms, this is much much worse. i have had to start taking walking breaks at work because when i get an email from a customer that sounds scratching (even if it really wasn’t), i have to walk away from the situation to see if i am feeling any better.
chances are, i am and i do. but that doesn’t stop making it less scary. i’m not quite sure what i’m going to do now — i’m thinking it’s the new birth control pills but it may not be. but they found me to be healthy.
supposedly.
back to square one.
x0x0x0x
lisa
in the pink
I’m obsessed with the color pink.
for the last few seasons they have been directing it back to springy pastels and pink always seems to be the color that is in. everywhere i turn, there is some slinky brunette (brunettes are also in this season — have you seen jenny mccarthy recently?) whose wearing some light pink lipstick with this beautiful pink dress (okay, so as you are probably already are aware that i obsess over minnie driver). and i’m standing there, thinking to myself “i can look like that.” and i can. i have pale skin and i HAD dark hair and now i’m a stinking red head.
grumble.
and it fucking figures, i find these awesome shirts while i was shopping yesterday and the only colors i can wear is white OR black because any of the pretty new colors make me look like a washed out ho.
grumble.
i’ve been threatening to re-dye my hair for the last two weeks. i don’t know what made me think i could carry red hair off again — but everyone seems to love it and paul tells me it makes me look that much more beautiful (and who the hell is going to argue with that logic). when my brother was here visiting, i had gone on a rampage and purchased ultra-blue and the red hair dye. four hours later, i walked out of the bathroom, completely changed from bright black hair to bright red hair. and i twitched.
this whole change of hair color was supposed to make me feel better, but within a week i was crying in the kitchen while paul kept telling me that no, i did not look like redneck white trash. but i still cried and went out and bought my usual feria “starry night” and waited. paul convinced me that i should stay red (and i did the usual dance “does this color look good on me”), my brother said so, my friends at work say so. i just look fabulous as a redhead (and this isn’t auburn baby — this is really red). But unfortunately, I got so tied to my gawf hair from hell that it’s hard to let go. maybe if i got it cut — i would feel better.
so i ‘m standing in the middle of a store last night with Sunni, lenny’s wife. i find these neat shirts that i really wanted. they had black, white, checkered lime green, checkered orange, orange, this beautiful pink shirt. i really really wanted to wear that pink shirt. i really wanted to strut around in that pink shirt and black pants and just flip my hair all around. i’ve been feeling very princessy lately.
so i grab a few shirts in a various colors and try them on. obviously the standards black and white look fine. then i try on the pink.
i really really want to wear this shirt.
and i almost started crying in the middle of the dressing room.
i looked like hell. i did not look like the spring bloom that i had envisioned. my hair had completely thrown off the color and i looked like someone had made me look like shit. i felt and looked like hell. i kicked. i screamed. i frightened the ladies at the store.
i really really wanted to wear that damn shirt. however, with my coloring i was forced to buy the black and white shirts. i couldn’t even wear the nifty checkered shirts.
this may seem trivial, but it sucked major ass. i’ve always felt that i was behind the times in clothing styles (though i’ve been told that i’m more hip than hip — and they are hip. let me tell you) but yet i’m not. okay this sounds really girlish (Queen Latifah rocks) but I’ve always fought with this inner thing inside of me. part of me wants to be the queen of cutting edge fashion, thin, beautiful, well loved and like. the other side of me wanted to be like this uber gawf queen with the balls to wear vinyl and pvc with no problems and not giving a damn about what people thought. i keep finding myself caught between these two rocks without a middle man to call home.
all because i wanted to wear this stupid pink shirt.
i’m not sure what got me on this special tangent, but the thing is majority of my clothes are black OR gray OR brown. the smattering of color i have looks good on a brunette but not on a redhead. and i’m sick of looking like the goff queen. it sucks. i’m tired of it. i prefer black hair, it looks better with clothing, i think i look better. but everyone loves me in red and gee, i’m going to have buy a new wardrobe to go with this color.
i’m just kidding.
that pink shirt though symbolizes a lot to me. it symbolizes how i am at one point and i want to be another. i will have that pink shirt, if is the last thing i will do.
rants and raves
well.
I’ve been busy, what can i say? the last month or so has been completely insane and crazy as I’ve been working and Pauly has been up here to start moving his stuff up as well as GET THE GODDAMN JOB AT ANDOVER! woo! I’m so excited. we even, gasp, opened up a joint checking account. 😮 dude, this is like so incredible 🙂 Anyways, email pauly@geek-haus.org to congratulate him on his new job.
Anyways, on to better and other things. For all of those who thought that since Lisa found true happiness, that there would be no chronicles, let alone sad/depressing/insightful ones as i am prone to doing in the past. wrong. as many of you have already know, not only am i Gemini! but i am also seasonal depressive, mixed with obsessive/possessiveness, bipolar manic depressive and a touch of multiple personality disorder.
basically, this past weekend, i had a list of stuff that i was working on and just didn’t do it. i stayed in my big queen sized bed, watched crap on teevee and ate. i swear the only person i talked to was paul. hell, i could barely get out of bed to take a shower. i felt, just, so out of it. everything came crashing down and the reality that paul won’t be here for another three odd weeks is just so overwhelming. i know he was just here last week, and in that three week period he’s gonna be moving in lock, stock and barrel, but just the utter loneliness of living alone was killing me.
firstly, i thought after being alone for a few weeks i was going to resent him when he came up because i had already marked this territory as mine, but once he got here he just fit in so well. we fit together like gloves. being with him, the time we were together, just seemed so precious. and i hated having to drive him to the airport to watch him fly back to Miami.
making love to paul is this intense experience. and it’s not about the rhythmic thrusting it’s about looking down and seeing that silly little grin he does when he’s happy.
now where the hell did that tangent come from? oh yah, so paul was up here, i met some of his family — but that isn’t the issue here.
but my depression is. I keep having these fleeting moments of thought when paul will come to me one day and say that he no longer wants to be with me – and that scares me. i was telling him on the phone the other night that everything about him is perfect. there is not one thing i feel that i have sacrificed for being with him or want to change in him. he is mein gott. literally.
but this depression thing, it can be a drag — if you know what i mean. i just can’t handle how it affects me somedays or how it treats me. i learned when i was at the emergency room way back when (October) that i probably had polycystic ovarian disease, which means i have too much tetersone in my system. which makes a lot of sense. which would explain the aggressiveness and other things (including heavy duty mood swings). and that simply by going to the OB/GYN and getting the right mix of birth control pills and drugs, I would be peachy. I know I would probably feel better, but I probably won’t be able to do anything till after the first of the year.
This time of year just sucks, so horribly. And it’s not that I miss paul so much or want him up here, it’s just that my first instinct is to always just go into hiding (and eat) and just do nothing. there is so much rattling around in my head that i haven’t quit figured out what to do yet. it doesn’t help that i do not get along with my family in the least bit (other than my brother) and that for the most part, i feel like a damn orphan. i sit there and listen to paul literally gurgle about Xmas with his family and the traditions that they have and i get caught somewhere between jealousy and envy and wishing i could be a part of that. and yet, it’s not yet. it’s too soon. i just, i just find it so hard to relate to people this holiday season as they rush to and fro to be with everyone.
I just don’t get it, I suppose. It’s not the happiness or the spirit of the season, but just that i feel more detached than usual. I guess right now it’s a mixture of everything that is wearing me down. And I was thinking, Paul and I have been going back and forth about me flying to Miami to meet his parents for Xmas. Logistically, it would be perfect, but, emotionally it would be too draining – at least on me.
I feel so helpless sometimes. All weekend, when paul had the opportunity, he’d call me to reassure me that everything was okay, i was wonderful and that everything was going to work out okay. You just get to the point where being strong just isn’t worth it somedays. And between sniffles, I told him this. And other days, I’m ripping him a new asshole because I cannot find that happy medium that would just make me happy. I wish I could give him that for Xmas, just no issues about anything, just being me and being happy with him (which, for the most part I am).
I’m finding, as usual, the more i write the more off topic I’m getting. Next thing I would be telling you that I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm. which is true. and that for the most part, I’ve never liked oral sex performed on me. i have way too many issues for one person. and yes, paul knows about this. and it’s not that i don’t find sex unfulfilling (au contraire) just that i can’t fucking let go of issues matters and concerns to take it where it needs to go. This is obviously something paul and i are working on.
HOTHOTHOT DOMAINS FOR SALE!
About a month or so ago, I got really bored and started looking at domains that were being auctioned off at Yahoo. When I finally organized the domains into some sort of order (listing them by bidders and then by amount) — i was flabbergasted. Over 1000 domains were up for grabs for obscene amounts of money and yet very few people were buying them.
Back in 1995ish (or thereabouts), I had several goals: a: to take up c++ to code my own bot for irc (my unix teacher said that irc was going to be the death of me yet — amazing how my addiction to irc landed me to where i am today, eh?) and to host my own domain. I had gallant plans, I did. I was going to do everything locally and be cool and stuff.
Needless to say, the first thing i did was check lisa.com, which was obviously taken. as was lisa.net and lisa.org. then i literally thought that all the domains were hosted independently on their own servers (I mean, this was way before virtual hosting took off) — and the prospect of owning a domain seemed daunting. I thought i would literally needed to run unix at home to run my shit. and i was prepared to do it 🙂
I guess the point too all of this is just that HOW FUCKING STUPID PEOPLE ARE! no one is going to spend a million bucks to buy a domain just because you list it on a website. I can’t but help to laugh at people who do this for a “living”. It’s like the dumbass customer we had at slip.net who purchased something like 10 domains of popular movie star names, but spelled like this: e-l-v-i-s-p-r-e-s-l-e-y.com. Um. Hello. Am I the only one who doesn’t get this?
lisa the geek
As many of you probably know, I recently acquired a Macintosh. I know I know, no — hell hasn’t frozen over. Basically what happened was that in the process of doing Y2k inventory, all the “junk” machines such as the production machine I was doing IEAK on, were not being included and were going to be sold off. I bought a Macintosh Quadra, 17 inch monitor, CD-ROM reader/writer (SCSI) and an external SCSI drive for, get this 100 bucks!. I’ve been spending all weekend getting it hooked up. The only fucked up part is that it’s a 68k Mac and NOT a power PC. gash. But anyway, you would be surprised how much software is still available for the 68k Mac. So I’m sitting here, doing the chronicles on my Mac (named imhotep) while my linux box plays Ned’s Atomic Dustbin God Fodder.
This so owns.
See, this was part of the problem. Mainly I wanted to have two boxen: One would run linux of some distro (now it’s Mandrake aka RedHat on crack) and some sort of gui based OS. The problem was that with Linux, many of what I use and do, there is nothing out available for it. I tried doing TLC on a linux boxen and lemme tell you, it was not easy. Mainly the thing is my spelling (very important of course) sucks major ass — and I needed a spell checker. There was NO getting around that. The only thing I found for linux was iSpell, which is okay but it kept saving the files to /home/lisa/temp — which was pissing me off. It would save the files as “12aksjdhf.tmp”. Then doing a hunt and peck looking to see which file was what with pico ain’t my idea of fun. I needed something that was literally easy, I could run my lame ass apps (like Aol/IM/ICQ/Eudora) and where i could also fuck around in linux. I wanted best of both worlds. heh.
Anyway, the problem with running solely Linux was the fact that half of my hardware wasn’t running. We are talking about a second generation Sony Vaio (200mhz) which I had pimped out with 12gig’s and 64mb of ram and a PHAT 56k modem. heh. Anyway! Moving right along, sound didn’t work — and with no sound when lisa is working makes for a very unhappy lisa. Everyone and their brother tried to help me out — nothing was working. It was some sort of legacy issue — that and PnP of course. But, thanks gods for Justin. I walked away from my comp the other day and he sat down, reinstalled Mandrake, got ipchains working, setup the firewall AND got it so that my sound was working. So now I’m jamming to Ned’s and typing on mah mac. 🙂
This rocks.
ph33r my elitness
grey cell green
So, nearly 10 days ago when i wrote my last missive, shit has been fucked up all around. My car got towed and I owed the City of SF 600 bucks to get it out of impound. I’ve been playing “Am I getting fired today?” at work (very long story — and no I’m not). I’ve been uber depressed. Been walking around listening to nothing but Front242/FrontLine Assembly/KMFDM — anything industrial/techno/gothic based. Spending too much time being really down on myself. I wish I had something specific to pinpoint as to WHY I’m feeling like shit — I mean — depression is coming. I knew when I went out and bought “raven mist” hair color and painted my nails “seduction” (aka blood red). I know shit is fucked up all over — and it didn’t seem to get better. I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know how to handle it. As obvious by Justin shaking me on the corner of 2nd and Stillmen when my car got towed. I’m slowly going INSANE. People are commenting left and right to me that they haven’t quite “seen” me like this in eons — and I know what it signifies. The next couple of months are going to be ultra-crucial. I’m moving to VA on October 7thish, I’m going to Atlanta, I’m moving to a new state — starting a whole new life. I should be FUCKING happy and I’m not. I keep degrading myself down to these pitiful little holes of hell and it’s driving me mad. I just wanted to be happy — and I think that everyone wants that as well. But I’m finding that all my old “things” that I was so angry at are resurfacing. Read anything before TLC came on-line in July of 1998 — you’ll see what I mean. Many of it still seems to be tripe to me — but a lot of echoes how I feel right now.
My mom is joining a convent soon. How quaint.
I’ve been trying to write a TLC for days now — but finding it harder and harder to do so.
I don’t know what’s happening to me.
Paul said I need to face my fears and only then will I be free.
Maybe.
I just fear some major heavy ultra-rejection.
I don’t know how strong I’m supposed to be and how much stronger I need to keep being. Sometimes I just want to die. I won’t lie to you. I’ve been calling the music I’ve been listening to “Slit Your Wrist” music. I’m not kidding. Do a search for Front 242 lyrics for the album “Off” — you’ll see exactly what I mean. I’ve been walking around going mumbling “just be myself, can i just be myself”.
I told someone 30 was my cut-off point. If I don’t accomplish a lot of what I want to do before I’m 30 — I’m gone. Now before you start going “Um, Lisa, that is SUCH a cry for help” and calling your local suicide hotline, don’t bother. 98% chance that I won’t off myself (I made a funny!). Anyone who has known me for years that these things pass with time and I’m never serious — however, I know that many of us feel, that from time to time, life isn’t worth living. And sometimes I’m happy that I made it through my first suicide attempt 10 years ago, and other times I wish I would have died. But that is neither here nor there. I’m just telling you how it is folks, that is why you are here.
I will make no illusions that I’m being serious. For a few days, i was dead serious. But, I have (and will always know) that this passes with time. Being bipolar manic depressive isn’t cool kids. It sucks major ass. Lemme tell you.
But things are looking up. I’m removing myself from one situation and starting anew life. I’m really digging someone I’ve been digging for 6 months and he’s mein gott (g). I had to say it to taunt him.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, there is so much, that you as a general public are not aware of. So much lies behind me then what meets the eye. Some people are not comfortable with knowing THAT MUCH about me — others want to own my soul. I give what I can — when I can. I give to those I feel deserve it and when I feel they need to have it. It’s not a game — it’s my life.
i’ve always been strong — and I’ve always attempted to make some sort of peace within my life. I’ve always strived to be the VERY FUCKING BEST that I can be. And that threatens people — and it’s harmful to others. My megalomania can be daunting. Fuck, I just created a new IM name: LishaIsGod. heh. Cos, I am god. this is my fucking world and I’m letting you enjoy it. If you piss me off, nothing a little DENY won’t work magic on.
I’m rambling.
Someone once asked me long ago the purpose of this site. I’ve been on slashdot, I’ve been linked a time or five from UserFriendlys website — People know of me. I’m not some nameless person in the crowd (well — heh). I am someone.
And see, in some sick twist of fate, this is NOT what I wanted. I never wanted to be known as se7en’s exfuck (which, two years later, still fucking haunts my ass), or anything other than myself. This website was purposely for my own purposes — I write to feel better. I write to create. I write to look back and laugh at my own stupidity or my own wisdom. You, the general public, just think I rock on with my frock on. And that’s okay too. I’ve created new identities for myself and I’ll keep creating till one fits who I am. Things are looking up. I’m hopeful, I’m optimistic, I’m moving on up (to the east side!).
I’m okay — really.
I’m telling you all this now because how could I not tell you. For over a year now, my life has been an open book Many people probably know WAY more about me then they want to know — but, that’s okay. I’m here and I’m still kicking and screaming and that says something. I’ve always known that if I was going to off myself, I would have finished the job that I started 10 years ago. But, I know that many things are going to happen, it does get easier and I have a 6’6 sadistic motherfucker waiting for me in Atlanta.
Things aren’t what they always appear to be — and I know that. And I’m rational enough to know that only I can control my fate (I won’t tell you WHY I’m subscribed to getting my daily horoscope, i can cos it’s cool) and i only can make the decisions to make my life better. For the first time, in a very very long time, I feel more confident in all my abilities than I have for a long time.
And what does lisa do when she’s down?
She goes out and buys new shoes of course!
And can someone PLEASE explain to me why the fuck I can’t find bra’s in size 36Ds? It’s not like I’m that big — jesus. I found bras in 36DDs but not single Ds. Sunofabitch.
I’m tired now. Carolyn (Cathleen’s sister who is staying with us temporarily) and I wear the same shoe size. We are going out this weekend
looking for bitchboots (imagine — 5-6 inch platform, knee high leather boots). Woo doggie. I can’t wait.
BRING IT!
I tired and I go nini.
happy thoughts
Today I actually left the office and sat in SouthPark and ate a burrito from Pepitos as I enjoyed the beautiful summer weather and read Henry Miller. Regardless of the crap that has been occurring — doing the little things really makes me glad to be fucking alive.
x0x0x0x
LishaIsGod
the un-moral animal
i got so depressed about having every page being “white” with black text, i had to change.
so this is my “change”. black background and silverish text.
i am in a funk. actually, i am in more of a funk. i am severely depressed. i had thought it had passed, because i get even more depressed during December, and now its mid-january, and i had my mania for the last few weeks, and everything looked really good, and now, its depression again.
i am trapped in this hell, that i have created and i don’t know how to get out of.