Cartoon Boy – Page 2 – A Most Unreliable Narrator

girls who wear glasses

when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.
as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.
so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.
i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.
later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.
since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.
i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.
it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.
i’ve worked really hard to live without them.
oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.
then justin came into my life and things started to change.
if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.
I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.
the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.
then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.
I fell in love with my new glasses.
i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.
but as they say, old habits die hard.
yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!
something about girls in glassess…
i don’t get it — really.
mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.
This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.
you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.
the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.
and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.
my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.
see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.
but see, that’s all true and not true.
growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.
Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.
it’s funny.
in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.
i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?
i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.
i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).
i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.
a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.
i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.
i love you guys.

on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.
my favorite holiday is Halloween.
because everyday is like Halloween.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi a la mode

livin’ la vida loca

so there i was, all snug as a bug in a rug.
with one leg under the covers and the other leg over the covers as it were my style. then all of a sudden i hear:
OAKLAND POLICE! WAKE UP!
what?
I stumble out of bed, justin stumbles off the floor. flashlights shining in our eyes. we flip the bedroom light on, and a female cop is standing right there, wanting to know a few things.
over a week ago, i got the message from Cathleen that Christine was going to be back in town and was showing up that evening. She was driving in from Vegas and her ETA was around 11pm. Cathleen changed the message on the answering machine to reflect this as well as leave her a note — as Christine was going to be staying with us.
Um, okay, thanks for telling me.
So, as the story goes, seems that Christine and her ex-bf/lover/fiancee/whatever have a child together and that they have been sharing custody for the last 8-9 years. It seems that they can’t get along and are always fighting about who gets the child when. Knowing what I know of Christine, this doesn’t surprise me as her life has always been — uh — interesting to say the least.
I come home from work a week ago Monday to show Cat the kittens when we notice that Christine and her daughter are laying down in Cathleen’s room. Seems that Christines car died and she and the kid were going to be camping at our place for awhile.
I luv it when people ask me for my opinion on such matters.
i get insta-grouchy because i hate people intruding on my space. plus i was quitting smoking. plus other people were being grumpy. plus one of my friends got jilted at the alter. it wasn’t a good week.
so Thursday night, i come home from teaching internet 101 and notice that both christine and the kid are gone. justin and i both sighed huge sighs of relief as neither one of us could take it much more. everything seemingly is back to normal — until tonight.
it seems that the ex-lover/fiancee/bf/whatever has been calling here all last week and this week claiming that Christine is here. Cathleen spoke to him several times over the weekend and was yelling at him that Christine was NO LONGER HERE and that he needed to stop calling. It also seems that he’s been doing drive-by’s on our house AND it seems that the cops showed up LAST week as well, cept this time our house was locked up and I was dead to the world sleeping and didn’t know that they were here.
What happened tonight, was this:
Since we were defrosting our fridge, we had ordered out for Chinese. my stomach was feeling funky and justin wasn’t feeling hot either so we were laying down on the couches watching a movie. I get online and talk to cartoon boy for awhile, write a chronicle and then go to bed. Cathleen and Charlie are outside in the backyard and we think nothing about the fact that the back door is wide open.
it’s about 11pm.
at 2am and some change, the cops show up and /walk in/. the back door was wide open, the front security door was unlocked. the ex-lover/bf/fiancee claims to have seen Christine and the child sitting on our front porch no more then 1/2 hour before this. the guy is smoking crack.
so i’m all pissed off at being awaken in the middle of the night. i was having a great dream — damn if i can remember it now.
cops start questioning me about this whole fiasco, which thankfully, i really know nothing about. they ask to search the place, i tell them to go for it. i walk to the front porch and check to see WHY our security door was open. turns out that both justin and i forgot to check the doors when we went to bed — didn’t think to actually because cathleen was in the backyard. it seems that cathleen and Charlie had taken off sometime earlier.
as i lock the front security door, the ex-fiancee/lover/bf is standing on my front porch. i’m fucking pissed off. i start running off at the mouth and rip him a new asshole. i slam the door and walk back into our dining/computer room. i go and find my glasses. cops come back in after tromping around outside. they found the pot plant (singular not plural) that my idiot roommates are trying to grow in our backyard. They threaten me with possession. I laugh and say whatever, it’s not mine — it’s circumstantial evidence. I’m mouthing off to the cops. Cops tell me to calm down. Justin is telling me to shut the fuck up before my ass gets hauled into jail. i try to clam down. justin is shooting me looks to tell me to keep quiet. i calm down. i cooperate with the cops. i tell them what i know and that they need to talk to Cathleen cos she’s the one whose friends with Christine, not me.
The cop asks me if i have any kids or it was “you obviously do not have any kids” and I said “no, but I have three roommates — that’s enough” and she’s trying to get me to understand the fathers side of the story. And i’m like “look — the point here is that it’s between him and her. and now he’s calling MY house at all hours, picking fights with our other roommate and doing goddamn drive-bys. it’s annoying and it’s unnecessary. he was told all last week that she wasn’t here (mostly true) and he’s freaking lying about her being here tonight because she wasn’t.” so the female cop and i go round and round about this and she takes my name and our phone number and leaves. as i escort her out the door, she says something about “well, as for the marijuana plant, i don’t care — personally i think it should be legal.” like she’s doing me a favor! IT WAS NOT MINE! I DONT SMOKE THE DAMN SHIT! gash.
so, then guess who shows up but Cathleen and Charlie.
Justin and I go to the store to get milk since I’m making cawfee. Come back and the cops are interrogating my other roommies now. Justin tries making light of the situation but i’m repulsed by the white trashiness of it all — especially with how our house looks at that moment. I mean, jesus christ, who would think I would wake up with OPD in my fucking bedroom?
cops leave and cathleen saunters in drunk. she wants to talk about it – she’s been crying. i’m too angry to talk about it. i tell her i’ll talk to her in the morning. we end up talking about it. i tell her i don’t want christine or her problems back at the house. it seems that for the last year we always end up getting in the middle of something. cathleen agrees. i knwo she’s her friend and I feel bad, but SHIT! When cops start entering my life – it’s a whole different manner.
So, here I am, several hours later and nearly two pots of cawfee down my throat. I didn’t think about having a cig with this whole fiasco going on — really. but i do realize that normally i would be sitting here chain smoking when i’m sitting here chomping on gum.
and my stomach still aches — but that is okay.

Other than the whole quitting smoking thing (it’s day 7 now — go me), this whole damn week has been weird.
Cartoon boy and I got into a little tiff as the time gets closer for me to go to Memphis. This pissed me off. I felt like he was having issues and I also felt like I was being punished because I liked him. because I do. I like him like him. I think he’s really keen. And he thought i was coming there to rock his world — i already know that i rock his world! I don’t need to go to Memphis to prove that!:P
I told him a 100 thousand times that i don’t expect anything — however that does not mean that i’m going to reject the idea of us getting together romantically — but I can’t think that far ahead. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE I’M GOING TO BE IN TWO MONTHS! he doesn’t want a girlfriend — it’s like we were both screaming about what we don’t want and neither one of us were really listening to the other. so i get all pissed off and moped around the house, pacing for a cigarette. but we made up and decided to let it go — which means that we ain’t talking about it and whatever happens happens. but i won’t be punished for liking him nor will i be punished because he likes me — that ain’t happening. it dawns on me that i feel like i’m breaking some sort of silence here — meaning that by not talking bout it, it doesn’t exist. but damnit, it’s bugging me. and if he’s gonna get angry at me for that, then fuck ’em. i stood up to OPD, i’m not letting some wussy cartoonist intimidate me. 😛 but we made up and now i’m going to Memphis — so whatever happens happens — i can’t think that far ahead — i don’t want to.
see the thing about cartoon boy and i is that there is no like /set groundwork/ for what we are. at the very least we are friends — very good friends. we’ve been orbiting each other for nearly two months now. you cannot be a part of someone’s life as intensely as we have been without feeling /something/. i mean, we both have been gushing over the other via our webpages. the whole world has been watching our relationship blossom. it’s weird. it’s not private nor is it intimate. i realize that bugs me a bit. he keeps threatening to leave his cam on the whole time i’m there. i’ll sock him if he does, but i know he’s only teasing me.
anyway, for once i can’t control the situation and i can’t predict what’s going to happen — and honestly , i like it like that. and i personally think it’s damn silly that we were arguing about it (to be honest — that’s the only thing we argue about when we have argued). and i think that by doing so, we are already adding unnecessary pressure. i think we will honestly be fine. he always plays the devils advocate and i play the optimist.
“i’m not a gambling man lisa — i always lose.”
“stick with me kid, i always win.”

and then! i get the news that one of my best friends was going to marry a guy (out of the blue) that she has been seeing on and off for nearly nine years. but see — he’s an ex-con, drug addict and he’s beaten her up more than once. he semi-kidnapped her son and took her car and had me worrying to bits about her because of this. she then tells me that he didn’t show up for the wedding and when she does end up talking to him again, finds out he’s got the preliminary paperwork for marrying ANOTHER GIRL (whose in jail right now for felionous assault)!!! I mean, hello here!! lets look at the big picture shall we? He’s beaten my friend up, he’s stolen money from her — and she keeps telling me she’s in love with him! Argh!! and now she’s telling me that she’s asked him to move in with her!?!? I told her if that were so — then i’m making NO PLANS to move in with her — I don’t want that crap in my life. Let’s use tonight as an example shall we.
I told her I loved her (I do) and I worry about her — but it’s her life. She knows how I feel about this whole thing. But i wash my whole hands of the matter. and she knows that i’ll always be there for her — just — not when he’s around, I won’t do it. I refuse to.
I utterly realize that the two above people will be pissed of (rightly so I’m thinking) that i’m discussing this so publicly but you know what? I don’t care. It’s a part of my life. deal with it.
so now it’s 5am and i find that i want to laugh because it all seems so absurd. i always joke about how i love melodrama but i’m getting pretty convinced that someone up there doesn’t like me.
For instance, I’ve applied to five schools: UofMemphis, Western Michigan U, Michigan State, Old Dominion U, UofGeorgia Athens.
Western has already accepted me.
Michigan State and UofGeorgia Athens did not due to that my application was not in on time.
Old Dominion won’t return my fucking phone calls.
UofMemphis claims it needs my HIGH SCHOOL TRANSCRIPTS before processing my application. Uh — okay. When I asked “why”, find out that since I have less than 60 credits that they need to find out what classes I took in high school. I was like “Jesus christ, I went to TWO high schools in TWO countries and also took my GED.” Then I had to fight with them on THAT and research Michigan Department of Education on where to have my GED scores sent to them. Yesh, theoretically I never “graduated from high school”. I got a lot of shit from my parents and my brother who loves teasing me about the fact that I never “finished” high school. My mother loves rubbing it in, the fucking bitch. If you want to lose me as a friend, you start bringing this up. I will, never ever, talk to you again. My IQ is 145 and i scored something like 1300 on my SAT’s and scored in the top 3-5% on my GED. I don’t need to prove my intelligence to ANYONE. thank you please drive through.
Suddenly I’m feeling very defensive and shtuff.
I don’t want to today — I’m feeling overall pretty good despite everything. So, I think I’ll leave this at that then.
An Announcement
For the last couple of weeks I’ve been writing about my experiences on finding other journals on the web. And to my surprise, I’m finding that I’m more popular than I thought. Which kind of surprises me. Well, wait, I’m an egotistical bitch — I know I rock.
But anyway! One thing I’ve been noticing is that there is a few web sites that have been doing a new “entry” everyday in some sort of genre. bittersweets.org specializes in love lost. ember.org specializes in falling in love or first time love. kvetch.com specializes in complaining.
so i was thinking about how i had a domain that wasn’t being utilized and i realize that it would be neat to have a new entry, if you will, everyday of a quip of someone’s life. real or made up, it did not matter, but i thought it could encompass everything. there are no plots, guidelines or characters. all you need is an immagination.
On saturday I launched TrippingOnStars. Every day, a new quip will be put up showcasing a peek into someone’s life — real and imaginary. Go check it out and let me know what you think.
and so..
now it’s later and i have already driven Justin to BART (cos he’s too lazy to walk). justin had gone back to bed after the cops had left and woke up humming the song “Bad Boys” from “Cops” — and telling me that if I would have kept running my mouth I would have ended up being someone’s bitch in jail. heh. i can see it now. that would have been funny.
i’ve also decided, after two pots of cawfee, that i’m in a pretty good mood today. cheerful. hyper. excited about finally going to the doctors. if your in a grumpy mood — please don’t come talk to me. i don’t want you to rain on my parade.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi

quickie

as it would figure, time is my enemy. i’ve spent the last 20-25 minutes trying to get things situated so that i could write a quickie chronicle. but then i wasn’t able to route, my web pages were coming up slower than molasses in January and i had to fix the font face on the cam page. i’ve been up for almost an hour and the only thing i’ve been able to accomplish is getting Justin off to BART.
but hey, i found my cell phone in my car. and here i thought i had lost it.
i’m in a strange mood. a shelled up mood, if you will. the night before last, christine showed up from Texas and her and her daughter are staying with us. add in Charlie’s friends coming over and the house is too damn full. there are already four of us that live here, and while i generally don’t mind people being over (look at the people i’ve had come over) for the last couple days i’ve felt like Greta Garbo “I vont to be alone”. i don’t have privacy and it’s driving me mad.
mike says it’s because i can’t get naked on the cam for him.
ha, yeah right. the way i’ve been feeling about my body lately, ain’t no one seeing me naked — let alone cartoon boy.
this past saturday, i had made two great accomplishments for lisa.

I went to the movies alone.
I went to a party alone.

i had, never ever, done those things before and taking myself out on a date (if you will) seemingly seared my independence even more so.
i’m also into chapter two of my book. but i won’t talk about that. bad ju ju.
the other thing i have never done alone before was go to a bar. i remember mike and i talking about this way back when we first met on-line and i remember him quipping that if we should ever meet, he was going to throw me out of the car door and into the nearest pub. alone.
every single time i’ve gone somewhere publicly, i’ve always gone with someone. however, i have gone to dinner by myself and that isn’t a big deal. Someone i used to be friends with said he admired me for going out alone — that by default people are social creatures and i had the chutzpah to do it solo.
i’m not feeling anything other than BLAH with a capital b (woooo pretty).
i’ve also begun to obsess about my body worse then usual lately. mix in with justin telling me how freaking beautiful i am is driving me mad. that whole “christ, i’m fat” routine that i thought i had kicked my ass out of a long time ago. but i’ve become obsessed with my body and have increased working out and eating better. the fucked up thing (wouldn’t you know) is that the damn scale isn’t showing any improvements at all! no weight gain and hence no weight loss.
and i really hate my hair.
i don’t know why i’m in such a funk as of late — i was doing fine earlier this week and now it’s just plummeted.
i really hate feeling insecure.
i’ll be back later, i have to go do 60 crunches before i jump in the shower.

bedhead

that scary person to your left is me, after waking up on 6.18.99. I spent the morning paying bills by phone before heading to work. i heard it through the rumor mill that some people have a thing for sleepy femmes and bedheads.
I’m His Slave
So my copy of Afghan Whigs Congregation arrived today. Is it me, or is our mail delivery person a LITTLE too cheery? For the last few days I’ve been home when she’s delivered packages and she’s a little too giggly to be a mailman. But anyway, I’m trying to decide if I dig this cd right now or not. Admittedly, I own quite a few Whigs stuff. But not everything. The other day I was at ebay.com and saw a HUGE ass listing of Whigs stuff. I almost choked. I wanted it all. But one of my major problems is that I spend WAY too much money on-line on crap I really don’t need. But anyway, I’m digressing. So, my obsession with Greg Dulli and Afghan Whigs — where it began and where it is:
By Lisa M. Rabey, ESQ.
I remember back in 1994 or so, I was working at this high falutin junk jewelry store called Accessory Place (if you know of Claires, it was like that but more upscale). Anyway, I was in college and working there and working at Harmony House (a record sto’). And I would go clubbing at The Orbit Room, primiarly on Wednesday nights for Alternative A-X. I also went on Friday/Saturday nights to Jimmy’s, 54th Street, Sundays was at Magoo’s. But ANYWAY, I keep digressing.
So, it’s 1994, and I remember driving to work one day and hearing “Debonair” and I thought “OHHHHHHH!” obsess obsess obsess. I recall sitting at home on Sunday nights watching 120 Minutes (before it became shit. music stopped being good after 1994) and saw the video for that and Gentlemen, and was instantly in lust with Greg Dulli. But, at the time i was hella poo’ and my cd collection was less than 20.
Fast forward a few years later and it’s 1996-97. I met my friend James on-line and we got to talking and he was telling me how one of his favorite bands was Afghan Whigs — and I was like “ohh yeah — I like them.” Of course, I was only familiar with stuff from Gentlemen which was their “breakout” release. He sent me the lyrics to my curse saying they fit me to a T. He was right.
So, it’s 1998 and James moves from Florida to the Bay Area. We hook up and he tells me that the Whigs are going to be in concert. My friend Jen from work is a Whigs fan as well, so we went and checked out Greg and Co. at The Fillmore, and it was lust at first sight, lemme tell you.
we fought our way to the front and all night i sat there, drooling on James’ shoulder (he’s a short fuck) watching Greg prance around in a fedora and a boa. His lyrics are sublime and sensual, he’s got attitude, he’s funny, he’s — short. BUT HEY! that’s alright! I can deal. he’s one of the VERY few men who i would let slide by (sorta speak). I immediately bought 1965 and fell in love. really. It was then I started thinking about who i was and what i wanted from life. This was PASSION. This was DRIVE. This was AMBITION. This was HOW I WANTED TO ALWAYS FEEL.
I played the cd religiously, getting Darryl hooked on it on the morning commute. I would throw the cd in, crank it, and for the long commute sing loud and strong while caressing the steering wheel. Darryl is so lucky he is gay. I would have been mackin’ on him left and right. darryl fell in love and i got him a copy of Gentlemen and planned on burning him a copy of 1965, but somehow i’m not smart enough to figure out how to burn music on my stupid Crapintosh at work. It’s appropriately named Imhotep. hehe.
And there you have it. I’ve been buying, when I can, music left and right that they have produced. Mike told me that Greg did the vocals for the soundtrack for BackBeat and I immediately had to get that. Can’t let anything get away from me. The funny thing is, that for the single of 66 that they just recently released, they do a cover of Hole’s “Miss World”. It’s kinda funny — and sorta sucks. But I’m SOOOOOOOOOO in love with their remix of 66. It’s so damn NUMMY!
But there you have it. Jonathan wonders why I’m always quoting AW lyrics, honkyfoo thinks I’ve been hitting the crack pipe, Mike thinks i’m obsessed, James just nods his heads and smiles. Darryl just asks me to burn him more copies. And I dream of a husky voice that can shake it like THAT! and hairy bellys too, but that’s another story.
obsessions part deux
as you may have figured out, i have obsessions about things. sometimes it’s about people other times it’s about material stuff. here is a list of what’s keeping me occupied recently:

afghan whigs: (well duh)
darth maul: I know own the following darth maul crap: legos, body wash, watch, lip balm, two posters, 8 inch figurine, gimme MORE!
imhotep: the evil priest from the mummy.
SIP: i’m both katchoo and Francine. how cool is that?
Judybats: they are back together! yah! they broke up when Alan and i did — now they are back together — well sorta. jeff heiskell (the lead singer) has new backing band — but paul noe is with the nevers who i might see in nashville! how rad is that!
venti mocha fraps: buy me one and i am yours forever.
my new purse: this things rocks. i’ve been wanting something like it since I saw that insipid movie Hope Floats. And I’ve been searching high and low for it. The closest I came was various stores that carry magnetic poetry lunch boxes. And for 25 bucks it wasn’t worth it, considering how flimsy it was. So then a few weeks ago, I was out doing the girl thing, and saw at the beneFIT counter that small trunk. It was PERFECT size and perfect price too. Anytime I go somewhere that might sell something similar to it, the cashier always try’s to sell it BACK to me. I have open it up to show off all my junk because no one believes it’s my purse. 🙂
Flowers: My birthday has come and gone now but that doesn’t mean I still have stopped getting flowers. I got so many flowers at work that I started sneezing and developed some sort of hay fever action. But the flowers are damn lovely. My father, who I thought forgot my birthday, sent me a dozen roses which arrived today. he’s a week late, but, better late then never I would suppose. He even remembered how old I was. I was sort of impressed.

Cam it baby!
As we all know, I occasionally run a cam from both work and home. The home cam hasn’t been on for nearly a month and the work cam I have been very sparodic in showing. There were a few technical difficulties (mainly that i haven’t fscked with linux enough to get it going — and i’ve been dallying in winders recently) and that i’ve been bored with it, but it came back up due to recent requests.
so guess who went and got a cam (not, by any means, and easy task for this person to do)?
last night i spent about 30 minutes attempting to tech support via phone to get it running — when it finally did it was some weird geeky strange virtual date. i showed them my crib, they should me theirs. i got silly and started showing body parts (this is my belly button — this is my knee). i stopped before i ended up disrobing on cam. NOT HAPPENING BUD! lemme tell you. showed ’em my RAD JudyBats posters and my kick butt flocked Darth Maul poster (they want — but I don’t give it up that easy). It was, a lot of fun. About five hours later, we called it a night and respectively went to bed — separated by a few thousand miles of dirt.

NP: Catherine Wheel – Black Metallic — from Ferment.
This damn song always makes me cry.

love is the answer (i’m gonna voodoo u)
recently, there has been a rash of lisa-fanatics. yeah sure, people like my stuff — but this is different, this is like, people who want to DATE me and shit.
and frankly my dears, it’s scaring the shit out of me.
and it’s not like some piece of email radomly sent my way (ie: “Lisa I must have you — it must be so.”) — it’s more like, REAL PEOPLE TELLING ME that they like like me. And it’s always frightened me, especially when it’s not returned back. i appreciate that you think i’m a crazykindajazzy chyk and stuff — but, please, i’m not interested.
i always seem to be everyone’s favorite ex-girlfriend (read EX) but i’m telling you, you don’t want me. i’m neurotic, manic depressive, megalomaniac, obsessive, anal retentive, bitchy, and i have ISSUES MATTERS AND CONCERNS! i’m a handful. i’m NOT worth the effort or the investment for a relationship. i’ll only break your heart because i will never be what you want me to be or i’ll be too much for you to handle. i’ll disappoint you, trust me. i’ve been down this road TOO MANY TIMES. and the other problem is if i did like you and i invest a lot into you, you’ll end up crashing on me. and i won’t do that again. EVER.
so, please, i won’t make you happy — trust me on this. just go find someone more your speed that will love you for you, because i’m not that girl. i’ve got an ex-bf i live that is driving me mad as it is, i don’t need more people to complicate my life.
the end.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi

19 Days

It’s official.
I have my ticket for Memphis. I’m leaving in 19 days to go see UofMemphis (Lisa, we KNOW you aren’t going to Memphis just for the school!). Yeah — well — that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 🙂
The fucked up part is that I’ve been tracking things via lowestfare.com and found a price of 318.00 bucks round trip for the flight. So I go to website to purchase the tickets today, and the price gets jacked up to 475 bucks! What?!?! So I check and found out that yeah, they get the cheap prices, but then they jack up the price for “airport fees” and such. FUNK THAT! God. The man has been out to get me this past week, lemme tell you. So I call a few airlines, get a special deal and plunk down my Visa. Got the fax confirming flights when I got to work. 🙂
you move me
you do me, like I’ve never been done before
you don’t even know
what you do to me
c’mon and do it to me
dontcha stop!
I just can’t get 66 out of my head. GASH! 🙂 This is sounding too saccharine. I’ve been walking around for the last month with a smile on my face. everyone is noticing it in the office, i can’t stop grinning and i can’t stop laughing. i don’t know what is coming over me, but i hope it never stops.
I’m sitting here giggling like an idiot.
down with the man!
this week has been weird in many ways. i was talking to whatshisname the other day about money. I hate that word. it’s a four letter word to me. anyway, so i checked my checking account and found i was in the hole. What the fuck!! So find out, a credit card I thought I had cancelled still charged me anyway. I call the company and find out that the fee is NON-REFUNDABLE! WHAT THE HELL! That was 89 bucks I didn’t need to spend. To make matters even worse, I checked and found out my car tags for california is a hefty $350 bucks. Um, hello where? Do I look like I’m made of money? Find out that 250 of that is for “vehicle and registration fee”. Goddamn! No one used lube on me this week. So respectively, nearly 400 bucks is already gone to things I didn’t count on. I hate HATE california.
Okay, I give up. I’m in too good of mood to be angry. I’m in a too good of mood to do anything right now. So, seeing as I’m at work, I’m going to go fuck off for awhile. 🙂
x0x0x0x0x0x
cheeks-the wonder girl!

muzak

i was sitting here, looking at the stack of 20 or CDs sitting on top of pleiades, and realized that i had nothing but depressing music. GEEZ!
Now Playing: Squirrel Nut Zippers:Hot.
Really bored?
Here is a list of all the cds I own.
I’m so cool beavis.
what’s sad is that i need another cd-rack. mine is erm, filled. i have no where am near danny though — he’s got over 500 CDs at last count. probably closer to a 1000. what’s even sadder is that i look at it and there is NOTHING there i want to listen to. grrrr. but that’s alright though, i have four or five new CDs showing up 🙂
thank god for mp3s. but you didn’t hear me say that.
ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My damn short attention span. I spend too much time at second spin. Here is a list of CDs I want. I’ll take ’em used. I’m not picky:

ArtistThe JudyBats
Ibid
Ibid
3rd Bass
Ibid

CDDaylight(cd-single)
Hold Your Horses – Judybats Rarities 1
When Southern Bells
Derelicts of Dialect
Cactus Album

Shit shit shit.
I’m sure, there are like a gazillion cds I want. However, I’m having an attack of amnesia.
Now Playing: JudyBats : Pain (Makes Me Beautiful).
Jesus christ on a pogostick!
Amazon.com has NO mention of this cd or anything by the Bats!! lemme try cdnow.com. yeah that’s it. GOOD GOD! Nothing at cdnow! Christ!! SOB!! One of the best bands from Tennessee in gods knows how long and well hell — best band in the late 80s/90s and freaking NOTHING. NOTHING AT CDUNIVERSE.COM EITHER!
It’s a conspiracy!!
I can’t find Judybats but they have Spoken word by Jewel?!? What’s up with that. I read her crap standing in a line one day at Barnes and Noble. The stupid bitch wrote a poem (in tribute to Charles Bukowski) called “Bukowsky’s Widow”. The dumb cunt spelled his goddamn name wrong! Gash.
I’m angsty. Well. Truth be told.
truth, justice and the lisa way
Ed.: Just got back from seeing Star Wars: Phantom Menace for the second time. DARTH MAUL IS SO SEXY! And I’ll probably see it one more time.
but anyway.
I was having a conversation with you know who (I swore I wouldn’t mention him again for a few days. I sound like a sappy high school girl. Next thing you know I’ll be drawing hearts an flowers!), but i digress, about trust, cheating and other predicaments.
now this particular person had has lovers cheat on him. he has trust issues. and i have no problem explaining things to him about people. i know a lot of people.
But again, I digress.
Anyone whose a fan of this site and has read back through all my pieces knows that I’m a HUGE fan of trust/honesty and commitment. Lord knows, all the whining I do on relationships, i was the one getting dumped on FAR MORE often then dumping of people. And in my whole life, I’ve only cheated twice. Once in high school on this guy Chris who I later found out had been cheating on me the whole time and dumped me for said girl. Alan cheated on me, Miguel cheated on me, the list is endless.
The second time I cheated on someone was with Danny, with Michael (I know too many damn Michaels!). (Miguel went by mike as well. Do you know see why my theory of ever male I know named Michael either dates a girl whose with someone or cheats on their girlfriend? It’s impossible!). I’m not proud of what I’ve done. And I have regretted it ever since then. I couldn’t have told Danny “I’m Sorry” enough to make it go away. I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my lifetime and a lot of stuff that I regret, but it has made me the person I am today. This is me.
Now, I used to believe in one-on-one relationships. My experiences with Jeff taught me about polyamory — and then I conceded that polyamory was for people who are afraid to make commitment. On the other hand, polyamorous relationships can have it’s benefits and as long as adults are consenting I don’t see a problem.
I’ve grown up. I’ve matured.
But, in all honesty, when Pawl and I used to talk about relationships and whatnot, and the possibility of US being in a relationship, and he said he didn’t care who I did as long as I came back to him. And sometimes that sounded fine — because I liked the idea of being FREE. But most of the time, It killed me because it showed just how little respect we had for each other. It didn’t grain with me at all.
But for the last couple of months, I’ve been doing some serious thinking. I’ve read all the books on commitment and polyamory, I’ve formed my own opinions for me.
I think, above and beyond anything else, trust and honesty is the way to go. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, and it’s monogamous, then it should remain as such. If you can’t keep your dick/pussy in your pants long enough to break up with the person, that shows, to me, how much disrespect you have for that person. I’ve been down that route. Especially when your bf of on/off of five years calls you and tells you “Hey — this 40yo chick just sucked me off. Everything I do, I do for you baby!” I still cringe when I hear those words.
My own personal experience is that after Alan dumped for another chyk (whom he had been cheating on me with). For three years I was single. I swore that no man would ever have my heart ever again. Not like that. It was too painful. It hurt way too much. I could never ever love like that. Proof in point, when I saw an Alan duplicate last year, my stomach dropped to the floor and I almost started crying. In the middle of the restaurant no less. I still loved the bastard after all these years. It never goes away, the pain just dims to a fading memory.
And I know where my faults lie. The internet is safe, c’mon it’s true. You can form intense relationships that last for days and feel like years. You get to know all the person you can and there is always something missing. I’ve said this publicly to my friends too many times: I like knowing I can see the person when I want to see them. Meaning, they don’t get the full Lisa-effect. They get what I choose to share with them. It’s safe. No real hurt involved. Nothing. It gets easier as time goes on. You put on this mask and you become a shell of yourself. They will never see how you look at certain movies, how you taste, how you feel against them at night. It’s a sham. I hate internet relationships. But in my own shyness offset, it’s the only way I could deal because after putting so much trust and hope into one person and have that person walk all over you — it’s hard.
the irony is that right now, i’m in a quasi-relationship. i refuse to define it. I know it’s there. this is something real. Because I can’t not help what he would look like when he laughs. And I took that piece of information and chewed on it for awhile and realize that i need to make it somewhat real. No more pixilated pictures. Nothing. I’ve spoken on this time and time again. It has to be real or it’s nothing.
i keep digressing.
justin used to laugh at all the mens i would have on a string — and it’s easy and it’s true. and every single one of those men on internet knew as well as i did that nothing would come of this. we would never meet. it was a diversion for whatever reason. and that’s okay too. and i’ve remained friends (for the most part) with those mens for a long time. good friends. more chances then not it was more platonic then romantic because the spark wasn’t there. and on the internet, everything is nothing but undercurrents and what not. they have other dalliances. i have mine. and then it ends.
earlier today when i got home from work, i was thinking about my friend victor.
i haven’t spoken to him in eons it seems, but he said something that struck in my mind: that the more a girl likes someone the more apt that she’s not going to use protection with that person. at first i laughed and said he was wrong, but went back to him a few days later and told him he was right. i looked back at my own relationships and knew that i was more apt to go condom-less the more i liked a person. but lisa has more self-respect for herself. a deep seeded fear after finding out that Alan not only slept with me bare-back but the bitch bare-back drove me insane. there has only been one person in the last five years i’ve slept without a condom on, and that was danny. we were monogamous (i used condoms with michael thank you) and i get checked every year. I don’t EVEN think about sleeping with someone without a condom now. it’s habit. one of the guys i car pool with left a condom in my car. i shoved it in my wallet. i started joking with my friends that it was for the “just in case” i ever met someone that i dug (hahahahahahahah). i always see the humour in that.
back on track lisa.
oh yeah, sorry.
so anyway, i started thinking about what victor said and related it to relationships. love can be defined by me in so many ways and i started thinking about all the guys i’ve liked in the past. how far would i go? for the most part, not very far. it would be as it was an that was that. but i noticed that once i started singling out things about a certain person. how much time i talk to them, email them, want to see them, everything else falls into place. you make allowances for that person that you wouldn’t make for others. what victor said was downright brilliant.
i’ve always been afraid on how to like someone again. really like someone. because the whole world is a stage and your the performer. and you really don’t want to fuck up. and i worry about that, worry that one of my little idosyncricies will shine through and that person will run away screaming in fear. there is so much in my head that has never been let out. i find myself recounting stories to whatshisname that never make it into regular conversation with anyone.
i liked justin, but I didn’t LIKE HIM LIKE HIM, if you knwo what I mean. I’ve only “liked” a few people in all those years — most I could give a shit about.
whoo boy. 🙂
i’ve made my decision, delirious and free.
i had this vision of who i was and who i wanted to be. i’ve recounted it several times over the years and lately within the last year — being in this constant blue funk. and lately i’ve noticed that i’ve been noticing the little things. the way the clouds hang over SF. The way Cat puckers when putting on lipstick, the angle of the shopping carts the homeless leave. the curve of my leg in shorts. things that in the past year went by in a blur.
i used to feel time was running out on me. i wouldn’t live long and that i would have nothing left to show for it. sometimes i wonder just how much you can say before you make a fool out of yourself.
in conclusion, i just want to say this: if you are in a relationship with someone, and you honestly are in love with them. tell them. daily. tell them you care. if you’re not in love with them, break up with them. leave them. find someone who can make you happy. Just don’t ever lie to them or cheat on them. You’ll regret it in the morning.
I’ve got a spring in my step lately and i’ve been feeling good. and maybe it’s because i’m taking time out for me for once. looking at who i am. feeling myself out.
and you know?
for once i like who i am.
and that, in itself is a small miracle.

i dream of you

do i look like a cartoon freak to you?
no?
didn’t think so.
so imagine my surprise (and delight) when i got hooked on Strangers in Paradise.
One of the first emails that Mike sent me, he recommended that I read SIP, and when I first looked at it via Amazon.com site, I thought “comics? ugh no.”
Then Mike and I started recommending movies* and books to each other and he kept bugging me to read SIP. And so, I ordered it Friday from Amazon and it got delivered today.
I sat at my desk and read the whole book within an hour.
“It’s comics for people who don’t like comics” — it just fucking rocks! I ADORE the characters — and I feel like such a mix between Katchoo and Francie. I’m defiently Francie’s body type with Katchoo’s attitude. I was SOOO all over the official site like white on rice. I just spent 25 bucks ordering back issues to start catching up. I fell in love with the characters and was simply amazed at how much like both Katchoo and Francine I was. On the website, Terry Moore (the artist) put up their specs and even my measurements match Francine’s. My personality is more like Katchoo’s though — long ugly past including my own trip into hell with the mafia. (True story. One I will NOT repeat.)
Upon reflection, I was surprised to realize how much of me was given back to me. Really. There is this scene where Francie’s old bf Chuck is talking to Freddie (another one of her exes) and Chuck’s description of Francie described me to a damn T. I got so enamored, I down loaded the desktop theme and made it mine.
The more I searched, the more I found I was glad to have found that the series was NOT discontinued (it always works that way doesn’t it? You find something you really like and then it’s gone!).
So I sent Mike a SIPCard and spent money on the back issues. I’m so there on buying them every month. The really cool part is that Mike is going to a comic con in Chicago in July. Terry Moore is going to be there. Mike is going to try and get something signed for me. I feel so damn cool! I know famous people! 🙂 WOOO!!
Someone mentioned i’ve been in a fairly good mood these last four weeks or so — and I tell you, reflecting back on it, I realize that most of it has to do with talking to mike. really. mike and i talk all damn day at work and when we get home from work. your looking at easily 8-10 hours PER DAY. And i’m not sick of him yet. I asked him if he was sick of me, and he said “Yeah, sure. :)”. Men, I tell you 🙂
okay, the one thing that is trepidatious out ‘us’ (whatever the fuck you call us) is that he’s frightened somewhat by my website. well, not frightened per se, but just that he’s a private person and well — i’m not. 🙂 (Gee Lisa, who would have thunk that!). In a lot of aspects, I am really very private. Again, I must say that what you see here is not all of me, put a part of me. A lot of things I’ve communicated to Mike (and others) would never make it to this website. Why? Because my whole life is not up for show and tell — it’s that simple. But I can’t help talking about Mike. He’s just so damn keen. You know, he’s the first person who really asks the right questions in god knows how long? And he’s funny. And he’s cute. And he’s tall. And he’s creative. And he’s Mike. 🙂 I like Mike. 🙂
Ohh! wanna see something cool?
Unflattering — but — 🙂
imhotep.
darthmaul.
mike.
(chant one chant all!)
As many of you who know me in a day to day basis, i’ve become obsessed with Darth Maul. first it started with the 8″ figurine that i ordered from the Mos Espay “store” on star wars official website. Then I bought the poster. Then I found darth maul legos. Then Cat bought me Darth Maul body wash and a clock for my birthday. Then I bought another poster. Will the madness ever end?!?!
Probably not. The sad truth is that Ray Park, the actor who plays him, is only 5’6″!!!!!!!
and BLONDE! to boot.
SOB
Life sucks sometimes, I tell ya.
new do
Since December, I’ve been slowly cutting my hair shorter. a few weeks back, I went to a high falutin salon that my friend Roxy suggested and had Mark Anthony (no joke, that is his name. there is a joke in there but i’m not going touch it) do my hair. I arrived on time and ended up waiting for over a 1/2 hour for his highness, i mean hairdresser, to get to me. after he pulled and looked and chopped, i was done. the funny thing was though, is that he put in like 10 different hair care products in my hair. he blew dry my hair into this big hair helmet and i felt like i had stuck my fingers in the light socket. i shelled out close to $40 bucks for said hair care products and left. I looked in the mirror and felt like i should have been wearing blue eye shadow, pink lipstick and become Ms. Texas. When Rob, Roxy’s bf, showed up the next day, he proclaimed me to be gorgeous and said that when Roxy comes home, she ALWAYS has to re-wash and re-do her hair. And Roxy is beautiful.
but my hair is my hair. it’s thick, it’s wavy. it’s colorized. it sucks when long and it’s sucking when cut certain lengths. so i decided to say “fuck it” and went shorter. i called up SuperCuts in Rockridge and went this past Sunday afternoon to have my hair cut again. it was funny, sitting there having this little Asian woman cutting so effortlessly at my hair — thinking about Mark Anthony’s work going down the tube (if you would have seen how he sat there scrutinizing my hair like it was art — you’d get that). But the end result was much shorter hair. It didn’t dawn on me till I was looking at myself in the mirror glass that is on the first floor of my office that i looked — BUTCHY! I screamed, I cried, I cursed my impulsiveness. i went in and pouted to mike. he asked for his daily picture — i said no. and he pouted and i caved in. and he called me gorgeous. i was like “shush your mouth boy. you’ve been smoking too much crack.” he said “no really, your cute but this is the best pic of you yet.” i was like “What!?!? my hair is fucked up and i have no makeup on.” He said he didn’t matter. I started blushing wildly. The bastard. 🙂 They can be so insensitive.
so, check out the picture to your left. that’s my new do. i’ll be coloring it this weekend. again. haven’t decided on WHAT color as of yet. probably dark brown or red again. we’ll see. i’m awfully pale. next thing you know i’ll be pissing black and farting bats.
oh la mour
i actually have a lot on my mind other than seemingly superficial stuff. justin. well, justin is sleeping on the floor now. finally made the move to prepare him for when i do actually leave this joint. i didn’t mind it at first with us sleeping in the same bed together after we broke up — but after awhile it started becoming more uncomfortable. there were a few instances where his hands went where they shouldn’t — but he’s in love with me and i felt bad. guilt almost. but it’s defiently not what i wanted.
it takes a lot to push me to do something sometimes. like the length of time it took me to break it off with him (again — i reiterate — he knew since October i wasn’t in love with him) — and going back to school — and moving — and work.
i’m trying really hard to struggle beneath everything.
the other night at my quasi-birthday party, everyone wondered why justin was there. well i invited him and he showed up cos it was my birthday. but that didn’t stop me from having fun. i’m single goddamnit. i can do whatever the fuck i want. there are no rings on these fingers. but i got teased and ragged on for the simple fact that:
a.) we live together still
b.) we sleep in the same bed
And the more I thought about it — how it LOOKED to actual reality and i haven’t been single in years. i want time for fun. and i like other people (well — one person in particular). i didn’t need this shit from my friends. 🙂 Well, they mean well. The whole bit about when I am going to start dating again — but it’s funny — people yell at you to get out of a bad situation and then rag on you for being single. You can’t win.
i’m doing the best i can considering the circumstances i’m in right now. so back off, please 🙂
(this is a much nicer note then what i had in my head the other day — but heck, whatever works.)
past comes back to haunt you
i got really drunk on saturday night. i don’t remember much, but this is what i do remember:

flitting around with a purple feather boa wrapped around my neck (must have been thinking of greg dulli — mmmm).
Biting and being bitten.
being the kissing bandit.
doing tequila shots with TJ.
Jason likes having his hair pulled.
Scott likes me to verbally abuse him.
i look damn good in black.
propositioning john.

the rest they say, is history.
x0x0x0x0x,
SIPGirl
*Movies I recommend:
Dream For An Insomniac
Clay Pigeons
Buffalo ’66
Opposite of Sex
Pecker

Happy Birthday To Me

Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.
Strangers in Paradise
I can either write a really happy “OH GOD IT’S LISA-MAS DAY” type of chronicle or I can be utterly depressing.
Let’s do both.
I haven’t been feeling too hot as of late. Other than the usual melee of crap running around in my head, there really isn’t nothing that is driving me nuts but maybe the onslaught of my birthday. Everything is coming up Lisa recently but, the problem is that I cannot stop obsessing about the fact that I am getting older. It’s a part of life and i have accepted it as such. as i told Chuck last night on AIM, I’ll always feel 17 in my head. He said he felt 22. It works out perfect.
Anyway, last night I got home and there was a package from my mother in the mail. I was surprised actually that she sent me something because lately I’ve been thinking that I wouldn’t receive even a phone call from her or my dad. So Cat, Justin and I were talking when I opened up the package. Inside I found the following items:

The deed to the house on Paris St that my mother bought for 70k in 1990. The house is being sold as part of her bankruptcy.
Original marriage license dated July 2, 1971 for Marietta K. Preiss and Edison K. Rabey
Immigration and naturalization papers for one Lisa M. Rabey dated February 14, 1973.
Photocopy for a “Complaint of Divorce” between one Marietta K. Rabey and Edison K. Rabey dated January 22, 1974.
Original copy of above.
Certificate of baptism for one Lisa M. Rabey dated July 7th, 1973.
Birth Certificate for one Edison K. Rabey, born May 22, 1927 in Gaspe Bay North, Quebec Canada to Thomas M. Rabey and Sarah McFee.
Certificate of my first communion dated May 4th, 1980.
Certificate of my confirmation dated April 13th, 1986.
One “child identification card” for Lisa M. Rabey, dated 4.12.86. I stood 5’10 and 160lbs.
Copy of baptismal certificate.
“Deans List” honor award, dated May 1, 1988 while i was in high school.Mixed along that list was a cartoon my mom sent me (any cartoon she finds that seemingly is high tech or applicable to me, she sends to me) and a letter. Her beautiful handwriting on pink paper.

i read the letter to cat and justin. parts that i couldn’t read, i handed to cat to decipher for us. i joked that in high school her handwriting made it damn hard to copy for “excused absences” when i was off skipping. her letter pretty much said the same thing her letters have been saying as of late. she’s broke. she needs money. an itinerary of her complaints. cat almost cried when i put the letter down. we couldn’t figure out as a collective why she would send me the above stuff and that letter. dated June 2, 1999. arrived June 11, 1999. she didn’t even acknowledge or wished me a happy birthday.
there are about three people in the world that i’m in contact with who know of me from when I was living in Michigan: Sherry, Shelly, Jenni and Danny. Since I communicate with Jenni, Danny and Shelly on-line now, they know (or rather verify) that my mother is nucking futs. or fucking nuts. I emailed Shelly last night right before I watched Swingers with cat and justin.

We’re gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for one party and then leaving ’cause it sucks, then we’re gonna look for this other party you heard about. But, Trent, all the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend half the night trying to talk to some girl who’s eyes are darting around to see if there’s someone more important she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be happy ’cause she’s wearing a backpack? Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn’t be shit if they weren’t surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. I want to throw up. Some fuckin’ skank who is half the woman my girlfriend is is gonna front me? It makes me want to fuckin’ puke!

vinegette
yesterday was d-day at work. i had to have Y2K crap ready to go for FirstWorld and since all the idiots didn’t get it on time, I didn’t have it finished. And my own stuff wasn’t finished. I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off pulling systems apart. one of the jacks was dead and i couldn’t repatch it via the hub. two computers died on me. otto ripped apart four machines and dumped them in my cubicle to get finished. i said fuck it and left at 8pm. i’ll deal with the shit on Sunday.

Mike has been pushing me to write my book. i started getting all defensive about it and said something really nasty about his cartoons. i couldn’t believe i said it. after i said it, i opened mouth and inserted foot. i kept apologizing up and down to him and i still felt aghast at what i had said. and he said, “yeah i understand, it’s only my lifes work.” all i kept thinking about last night when i got home from work was how awful i felt for saying it. so in conversation last night, he asks me if i had purchased Strangers in Paradise yet. I said no. So I hurried off to amazon.com and bought it. i think it’s important to him that i ‘get’ why he loves cartoons (yeah he’s a kick ass artist. i got two Mikey comix for my birthday signed. i suddenly became cool in my office for his rendition of me looking at flowers).
I’ve never gotten into comix because, well, i dunno. just never thought about it before. in turn, he asked me to recommend a book to him for him to read. we went through a few possibilities and i hit the nail on the head with Heinlein. Since my turn on to Heinlein was by Jeff who thought I would dig it, I suggested Time Enough For Love as a good intro to his work. Mike agreed it seemed good, so as a surprise I ordered it for him. Hey, i’ve been feeling down the last few days and shop when i’m depressed. Thus explains the two new CDs, darth maul poster and other crap I’ve bought on-line. I didn’t think anything about it. So when I told him what I had done, he said he felt uncomfortable with it. I understood that and cancelled the order. Mike even mentioned it in his journal.
even though I understood it, i felt worse. I had insulted him twice. i wasn’t doing anything right, it felt like. it wasn’t me talking, it was the depression i was feeling.
mike kept turning the conversation around and we started talking about my book.
i sent him the two possible starter chapters i had worked on a year ago and he liked them.
now all i have to do is write it, he says. he wants me to send chapter by chapter as i go along. giving objective opinion.
jaffo said to be prepared to say “fuck you” to anyone who says anything to me about writing.
he’s on page 200 and something into his novel.
he’s my hero.

internet luv
From a TLC reader:

“you know, it’s weird you should write about ICQ random searches… Nov. of 97,
Crystal did a random search, found me… I lived in FL, she in MO, to make a
long story short (as I figured that’s the kind you’d like, if you like them at
all 🙂 ) I came up to MO to visit my grandfather the day after Christmas of
97, met Crystal on the 28th, we were engaged on Jan 1st 98, I moved here Jan.
12, 98, and we’re getting married two weeks from today…
BTW… happy birthday :)”

it’s 5:11pm and it’s my birthday. it seemed the more i sat here writing the more depressed i got. i went and did a few shots of liquid courage (ie: Skyy Vodka) and i feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I need to shake myself out of this.
Sonya just called and said that i had to bring girls over for the party tonight as only a few females are confirmed for showing up. All my female friends that I have invited couldn’t make it. I said “who cares” — let me make an ass out of myself tonight. It’s my fscking birthday!
I want to thank everyone for the flowers, books, cd’s, chocolates, cards and other goodies that I have gotten for my birthday. Every present was as unique as the person who sent them. You guys rock. I love you all.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x,
Lisa

this much i know is true

My birthday is in two days.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
i had just finished the tome I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb. what else can you say about a 900 page tome about twins, incest, drugs, AIDS, SIDS and other fun stuff?
the ending was tied too neatly and everything fell into place.
all i wanted to do was give someone a hug, and i had no one to do so.
i’ve been thinking about death recently. and life. i can’t help not thinking about. i’ve been obsessed with the thought of death since i was a wee tot and had seen this television show on cryogenics. i laid awake in fear, thinking that someone was going to put me in a big freezer and never let me out.
would explain where the insomnia came into it place.
i spent hours tonight talking to cartoon boy. and most of it just me talking with him listening. i appreciated that. because in all honesty, no one, in a long time has ever really asked me about stuff in general. about me. questions have arrived, looking for answers, about why i do this site? there are no real answers or any that i can think of. but the context always begs “what will she say and what won’t she say?”. and i find that i don’t dwell on anything in particular and i find that i don’t speak of any particular subject. however, it just is. it’s something and it’s nothing.
when i think about love lately, i think about why people fall in love. is it mutual attraction? loneliness? what?
i spoke to my friend sherry yesterday to wish her a happy 26th birthday. 10 years we have known each other — amazing. she’s living with ben now – finding that hard to believe. i told her that we have swapped roles — she’s now settling down while I’m jet setting around. she laughed and said that i never expected this from her did i? no, i knew it was coming. i never told her that. and now it’s true. all my friends are either married with children, married or just have children. I’m truly the last one left. we’d joke, shelly and i about sherry — about how she would never settle down. and now she has.
when mike and i talk about relationships, i always go back to Alan and how he broke my heart when i was 21. and it seems, talking with mike more, that the relationships in between then and now were not as important or as life changing. every person you meet changes you, in some way or another, but there are some who alter your life drastically. and Alan did that to me.
I’m not saying that those relationships since then were indifferent, they weren’t. what i am saying is that when you fall in love for the first time in your life, it changes everything.
as i have said before, mike is the type of person i would date in a heartbeat if it were so. but there is 2000 miles of dirt between us that cannot just be upped and gone. (is that even proper English?) the funny thing is, i gave up on irc relationships years ago — and i find myself into another one. is he my bf? no. but is he just a friend? no. then what the fuck is he? i dunno. he’s a keen guy. i likes him a lot. he’s’ tall, funny, southern, smart, likes the same music and movies (!) (dude, he knows of greg dulli — you cannot go wrong here) plus he’s creative. I’ll whip his ass in trivial pursuit. you know it. BRING IT!
the problem is, in the past, i have gone places for the sake of love, knowing it wasn’t going to work out. but i gave it that old heave ho try to MAKE SURE cos i didn’t want to leave a stone unturned. and my heart always got broken. in some aspect anyway.
this saturday i will be 27 and 30 is looming right ahead. i am frightened by different things and doing the whole dating dance scares me. there is no rhyme or reason why I’m not out and about with my friends here in SF — but partly the reason i have for hesitance is because SF has tainted itself and I don’t see it as being the city of dreams i thought so many years ago. however, i grew up a lot our here — and maybe some of the choices i make in the future won’t be so damn retarded. sure.
i would like to meet mike.
i told him so early this evening in our conversation. but i find now that i have been left alone to my own mind, that my hesitation grows long and weary. there are no warning signals indicating he’s a freak. i am not tied to anything or anyone in any particular place. i have no fears here or there that would keep me rooted to SF or forbidding me from flying to Graceland to meet a k-rad guy.
the only thing i fear
is falling in love.

the pill vs the springhill mining disaster

My birthday is in five days.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
the pill vs the springhill mining disaster
every day my roommate and i have a fight.
i get up, rinse my mouth with plax, plop my contacts in. once my vision is crystal, the first thing i always notice is the case that she keeps her diaphragm in and her damn spermicide. it sits there, so innocent on top of the shelf above the sink. and every day i get this revolting feeling in my stomach. i try not to let it get to me — i mean it’s not like her diaphragm is staring me in the face, winking at me, reminding me that I’m alone. but it’s just the class of the whole idea. i mean, it’s tacky for godsakes. i mean it’s bad enough that no one will go and fix the cracked toilet seat. Cathleens idea was to use duct tape around it the crack. my my my, aren’t we high falutin.
so.
i move the diaphragm and jelly into her bedroom. and that next morning it was back in full force. laying there in its pretty pink case – defying me. taunting me.
it’s annoying the piss out of me.
what jails is like
“I’ll warn you, if cornered
I’ll scartch my way out of the pen
wired, an animal, the claustrophobia begins.”
it’s approximently 3:57am and insomnia is taking over.
again.
it’s a never ending battle it seems. today i was so proud of myself. all of the stuff i had planned on doing i got done (oh yeah, fighting with justin was on the list of priorities, don’t lemme forget that): i updated the site. i did laundry. i biored. i cleaned the house. put the clean laundry away. called the car pool people. it was going swell. so at 11:something, when i laid down to read before i went to sleep, and i check the clock an it’s 12:16, and then 1:26 and then it’s 2:27am. Justin is back to working days now at PBI, so he’s up at the crack of dawn. He decided, at 11pm, to watch Party Girl. I rented it for him, on the basis that there was nothing else at the vid store. And Danny always said i reminded him of Parker Posey. She’s got MOXY! I luv her.
An anonymous email I just sent out:

“It’s 4:16am and I’m still awake.
It’s freezing here.
And i’ve decided that I’m unbearably lonely.
Lisa”

you know, I’m tired of being strong.
Mike and i had this killer conversation yesterday (being Sunday — lets not fuck up my sleeping habits enough).
And I like him.
I like the fact that that I can be something of myself around him. I thought he was being pretty spacey sometimes — you know always good for a few laughs — he’s a funny guy. every time we are on the phone, I’m laughing so hard my stomach aches. but today was different.
and i think it was because when the fun and games were done, we got down to some serious talking. he always pesters me to ask him questions (i hate when people do that btw) about himself. and it’s hard, when i’ve lived in my head for so damn long. almost 27 years worth.
and we talked.
and it felt good — it didn’t feel contrived or that i was using one of my sparkingly personalities to do something. I’m grasping for the words to describe it — but I’m afraid I’ll sully it with some trite description. and this wasn’t really about you know, a rehash of our life — but it was more a telling of stories. about ourselves. and i felt utterly comfortable discussing things with him. it was strange — it was like something had changed. i just felt — me. and talking about my moxy vs insecurities. it was just normal.
i’ve been striving for normalcy for the last few years. a few days ago, i went to Jeff’s website and found that i was a tad green with jealousy. newly married, new loft in downtown Pittsburgh. i don’t know — i just felt sick that i didn’t have that. it’s like a part of me won’t allow that to happen. and i don’t know why. well, yesh i do know why. I know precisely why.
i can trace it all back to specific events in my life of why i am the way i am. i can explain it so clear. maybe you should work on it — i keep hearing that. but damnit. it’s like, mike is so totally the guy that i would love dating on a daily basis (well you know what i mean). not textual. just — you know beers somewhere. a movie. hiking somewhere. where i can give him a kiss on the cheek good night, shut the door and go sit on my bed for hours whispering to my teddy bear, telling him how great mike is.
real.
in your face.
i need that as bad as i need to be whipped sometimes. don’t get me wrong, i love my mind f00ks as much as the next sadist/masochist, but there is something about reality. smelling and breathing. and touching that is just so appealing. it just seems in the last five years i’ve meet guys i’ve liked on-line, we meet and it ends up somewhere has to move somewhere to date. and it’s not even that anymore. it’s like assumed we will automatically start living together. i wouldn’t give up that for anything — it’s experience, i want to be able to say i’ve done it, but the last time i was on an actual “date” was with danny back in 96.
and that makes me sad.
i get so disgusted with the pick of men in SF — hell — i know totally part of it is my attitude since i’ve gotten here — how i feel like it’s tainted and sullied with bad memories. that things shouldn’t be the way they are — that my dreams got dashed by things that i couldn’t control.
now, don’t get me wrong, geeking out is great. it’s fun. i love being online, but there is so much more to me than just what you see here, in this medium. it’s like the whole email disaster — people email me, but i don’t think they really want to know “me” — cos i might say or do something that will totally disrupt them and any illusion they have of me. and that annoys me. or they think I’m so fscking cool. cool about what? I’m just me damnit! That’s all I have ever wanted to be — was me.
Jaffo once told me I was the most complicated woman he ever met. he’s a net.legend, this must be true. he has this thing for grapefruit — Lisa get back on track!
yesh ma’am!
i just think that maybe, I’m growing up. things defiently don’t seem like they used to be when i was younger. things seem more clear — or — just more focused. and that feels like a lie, partly because well, I’m feeling vulnerable right now. and it seemed like a good thing to say.
it’s 5:31 am. Justin is up and told me i was beautiful. i keep staring at the picture to your left — and i can’t believe that’s me. that’s just one of me’s. so it’s been said.
I’ll leave you from a few words from my boy Greg Dulli:
When We Two Parted
baby, i see you’ve made yourself all sick again
didn’t i do a good job of pretending?
You’re saying that the victim doesn’t want it to end
Good. I get to dress up and play the assassin again.
It’s my favorite.
It’s got personality.
I should have seen this shit coming down the hall.
Every night I spent in that bed
with you facing the wall
If I could have only once heard you scream
To feel you were alive instead of watching you abandoning yourself
baby, you can open your eyes now
And please allow me to present you with a clue,br>
If i inflict the pain then baby only I can comfort you
Out of the night we come into the night we go
If it starts to hurt you then you have to say so.

finis
x0x0x0x0x0x,
moi