kmart is just so goff

it’s weird being on this laptop after not having used it for nearly three months. It was my main machine of choice once my old desktop went up to become the file server/firewall/router for our little home network.

Little.

Heh.

Paul and I combined have 5 desktops and three latops.
Plus we are looking at getting me an imac in the future with an almost even split between windows/mac/linux boxes.

I’m attempting to upgrade the desktop i currently use right now to winME final version, however, it’s not working properly and I’m going to have to bitch someone soon.

Our “server” room is a mess. a 14×12 room that is technically a bedroom that has two 8′ tables for desks. two good size bookcases and two 300 each cd racks.

and it’s a mess. Along with boxes of old computer crap we picked up from Signe. I would dare say I’m the only one in America with a cisco 2501 router sitting underneath the sink in their bathroom.

plus i know how to use it.

i love my job.

i’m a star baby

an idiot that i know (who, even though i have him banned on aol IM, icq and generally toss his emails — he’s *likes* the abuse) did email me about a clever site that ranks journals/blogs into proper order. so i put mine in and became a star! baby! yah!

it’s silly. i got the most hits and the lowest rating. hahaha.

that just cracks me the fuck up.

are you shrunk yet?
i actually got up on time.

this is a major shock to me, my dog and paul as i rolled out of bed at 7 to get ready to head to the shrinks office. i was nervous. i chain smoked and checked my bank account [ob: to prove how much of a procrastinator i am, i will get up at 8, sit in front of my computer till 8:30 checking email and my online bank account, jump in the shower at 8:30 and leave at 9. I have to be to work at 9. Apparently, my yo-yo of a bank balance is more important than work.], surfed for a few minutes. Left somewhat on time (i thought 7:45, i left at 8:05. Appointment was at 8:45].

I was scared.

I lied. I hate shrinks because I’m afraid I’m going to admit something i don’t want to admit. pauls the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and i don’t need some scholar to tear down this relationship because he is 8 years younger than me. i fidgeted in traffic. i called my mother and spoke to her for 20 minutes as i weaved my way around the beltway. i park and walk in the office and fill out paperwork and she brought me into her office at 9.

I broke down.

This was the consultation to determine if i needed counseling. I cried. I cried when talking about my mother, the passing of my father and my very fragmented life. I cried for the first time in a long time (okay, not that long time) but I cried because I finally felt the relief that I was going to be okay.

Dr. Buyse wasn’t that bad. In all honesty she was really nice and I could easily speak with her. My mouth did drop open when she asked me about Paul and I’s sex life (something I had not expected, though Paul and I had made light of it the night before). We spoke and touch on so many issues, it really was a wonder that I hadn’t pursued this before.

I didn’t feel like the big bad bitch anymore.

I felt so good after the session that I had immediately gone to starbucks and gotten my usual raspberry mocha frap and a few cookies since I had skipped breakfast. But I felt motivated for the first time in a long time. Motivated to get work done on issues and to finally start putting my life in place.

I knew though, from her comments, she regarded me as a pet project. Who wouldn’t with a cornucopia of crap bubbling inside of me (anxiety, depression, alcoholism, child abuse, suicide, divorced family, etc). I’m a freaking field day for any day doctor worth their salt. She calmed my fears about klonopin, the drug I’m on now. Turns out it’s the *least* addictive of the somethingoranothers family it’s part of. My taking .25mg a day (the period is not a typo) is like, for some people, having a cup of cawfee a day. it’s my crutch, and i know it, but it helps.

I’m frustrated by the utter lack of support and information about anxiety available on the web. I’m frustrated by how often it is misdiagnosed and how often (from reading) that anxiety brings out other problems. I’m frustrated by some of the doctors I’ve read about who have a carefree attitude about it.

it’s a disease. it makes my life hell and has been for the last 15 years (if you go back to when i had my first attack at 13). it’s misunderstood, misdiagnosed and mistreated. I do not have a heart problem, depression, thyroid problem or anything else. My name is lisa m. rabey and i have anxiety disorder.

 

sometimes a cigar is just a cigar

it’s going on 11pm and I’m already thumbing my nose at the shrink.

you see, in approximately 9.5 hours, I’ll be sitting down with one Dr. Buyse to discuss my issues.
At 250 bucks an hour, she better be good.

But i have issues with going to the shrink.

It’s long been suggested to me that I see a shrink. in fact I’ve been in and out of therapy since i was NINE. but no, I’m too strong to see someone. why do i need a shrink? i mean, most of them are full of crock pot theories and BS anyway. I’ve been to so many doctors, *I* should have the Phd, not the other way around. according to them, i have seasonal depression, manic depression, obsessive/compulsive disorder, anxiety issues, separation issues, first child issues. need i go on? I’m not making this up, if in all honesty i were really that sick, i would be locked up somewhere banging my head against the wall.

but i digress.

so I’m sitting here wasting time instead of writing this new journal because I’m trying not to think about why I’m having issues about some woman whose as expensive as a Vegas hooker (i have “woman” issues as well it seems).

see, it’s really really simple:
a couple of months ago, when it all came down to the wire with my health and i was having panic attacks on an HOURLY basis, my doc suggested i see someone. so i said fine and i made an appointment. I make the appointment through Kaiser’s “behavioral health” clinic, where i pay my cheap ass co-pay to some person who is not a specialist but an overall therapist and that freaked me out. Because it freaked me out so much, I started doing some research on social and general anxiety disorders and came across some website for the such and such anxiety disorder group of America. i checked out Virginia and got a list of some shrinks in my area and call them to get more information.

Dr Buyse was the ONLY one who called me back.

which stands to reason, if you are serious shrink, why would you not call someone back — even to tell them you caseload was full? what if you had obsessive/compulsive disorder — you’d be sitting there having issues about it left and right.

right?

right.

so for the last month we’ve been playing phone tag. i call her, she calls me back. i call her back.

you get the drift.

A few weeks back, i go into work on a monday morning and get a message she had left me the night before. she called me at work. on. a. Sunday. Her voicemail explains she has an opening coming up and wants me to give her a call back. Since monday’s are ultra busy, I didn’t call her back that day. Tuesday I was out and Wednesday I was in back to back meetings. I call her early Thursday and leave her a voicemail. again.

she calls me back *at home* that night and attempts to chastise me. she proceeds to tell me her time is valuable and she gets TEN new referrals a WEEK. that the cost and time of such anxiety behavior is not beneficial to anyone if one is not making responsible decisions and especially when one is wasting her time (ie not calling her back on HER schedule).

I wanted to tell her “then why do you leave me voicemails on Sunday at my WORK number if it is so freaking important. Why didn’t you call me at home?”

but i didn’t. so I’ve been obsessing about not telling her that. I’ve been replying my conversations with her over and over in my head for the last week, because i was pissed off that here was a potential patient she was speaking with (me) and she’s basically putting the smack down on me for not calling her back on her schedule, which I was not aware of to begin with! When the conversation ended I asked her coldly what was the appropriate call back period when she left a message. She said “end of business day”.

I had been mulling this all over all week when she calls and leaves me a voicemail on my home machine the past Sunday that she had a monday appointment available at 8:30am. I call her back and leave her another voicemail telling her that I cannot make it, thank you for the offer and please call me back.

So her brusque receptionist calls me back a few days later and tells me that she does have an appointment on Friday at 8:30 am and that would i like it?

Which fucking ate into my chiropractor appointment at 10am.

So do I finally go see this woman or do I go get relief by having my back cracked. The chiropractor was getting irritated because I keep canceling and changing appointments around. I was getting irritated with the shrink.

Someone hates me up there.

I opted for the shrink appointment to finally get it over with. Telling this woman off, even at 250 dollars an hour, will make me feel better. Plus, I do have an appointment with the cheap (10 dollar) shrink later on next week.

How many people actually shop for shrinks?

In all honesty, I’m beginning not to care who i talk to as long as i talk to someone. i need to get some issues resolved and I’ve been putting it off for a long time. but there are a lot of things I’m sure she’ll tell me is not healthy (such as having a relationship with someone 8 years my junior) or what not. stuff i really do want to hear.

maybe I’m just projecting.

domainslut dot org
a funny thing happened on the way to the forum.

i got an email the other day from someone who wanted to congratulate me on writing such a strong first journal. i had to start laughing, because in all my efforts to shed certain personas i had finally gotten it right and someone who was unaware of nearly four years of archives from TLC was sitting mere hops away from where he is.

but it made me feel good in some sort of loved way as well.

but in case you haven’t figured it out, modgirl.net now points to the same ip as modgirl.net. I had moe just change the ips to point to modgirl’s so that there would be no more redirects. In essence, anyone who had bookmarked modgirl.net will not have to update them. However, this is not the lisa chronicles. but I still do suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.

the archives and a new site design will be coming in the future. I’ve been concentrating on content and not visual beauty.
schwa.

i had something else important.

oh yah. i got a promotion.

woofuckingwoo.

or something.

Excuse me for being in a dry wit mood. lately it seems that’s the only mood I’ve been in.
i prefer for it to be called bitter and cynical, but I’m sure someone will point out I’m having issues again.

x0x0x0x
lisa