Category: The Lisa Chronicles

save me the waltz

I had just finished, not more than moments ago, Zelda: The Biography and am happy for doing so. Finally, after starting it all those months ago when Justin came into town, I had finally gotten to the bibliography page. I was both disappointed and exalted at the end of the book.
I was disappointed due to the fact that the author would do pages and pages of literary criticism on Zelda’s work, which if I wanted to read, I would have bought such. But no — pages and pages of worthless crap attempting to intone how Zelda’s work mimics her own life. Well duh. A writer who writes about what he doesn’t know is a fool.
So many things in my mind tonight. Freaking figures. An hour ago I was lying in bed, could not sleep for the life of me, and now I am tired and yawning. I must sleep soon for else my next few days are going to be fucked up like a bitch. Thursday is the day from hell with midterms and I teach Interweb 101 that night. I need my beauty sleep. But I keep working strange hours and thus don’t get the sleep. Working is the schtick. I keep playing freaking spades with Shelly and Dave all the damn time. 🙂 Not this is necessarily a bad thing — gives me more time to flirt with Dave. *suggestive*
However, the rant this evening isn’t about spades, my new PHAT pipe to the Interweb (i just got 56k — woo!) or the fact that I’m really obsessing about Henry Rollins right now. Nope, not even about the fact I’m going to bare his love child. Uh nope.
In all honesty, tonights rant is about high school. For many of you (us/them), either you’re in it or just gotten out of it. My little foray into high school ended nearly nine years ago (yes — I’m old. Shoot me.) Now that it seems so far distant — my question is this: WHY AM I STILL LETTING THE STUPID POPULAR PEOPLE IN HIGH SCHOOL RUN MY FREAKING LIFE?
There. Now i feel better.
Let me begin by explaining:
Earlier today, a fine lass named Jessica from a mailing list I’m on, had emailed in about the old saying “high school is the best time of your life” and proceeded to prove to us, in her opinion why it was not. I had followed up with this tasty bite:

My freshman year of high school, I got tested for an IQ test because my MEAP test was really high.  They wanted to put me in an high school that _geared_ for placing students into college. They taught Latin, Greek, were socially conscious -- not these see jack run public school classes. I was accepted and refused to go. I wanted to stay with my "friends". Big mistake.
Later on that year, our AP Biology class went to Kentucky to go see Mammoth Caves. One night, I got pulled into a room with the jr varsity swim team. I knew most of these guys -- I was friends with most of them from classes and socially. One of them pushed me down onto the floor and attempted to fuck me in front of his team mates.  I pushed him off of me, went screaming into the bathroom, locked myself into the bathroom and started yelling out of the window (the window was only about 1 foot high and 18 inches wide). My cabin mates came and forced the "boys" to open the door and let me out.  Not one adult was told.
That Monday, rumours spread around the school (1500+ students) that not only did i fuck him! i gave head to every guy (about nine) in that room. No one said a thing, my parents were never told and I soon forgot about it. However, the impact of that was amazing.  I went from being 5'10 and 140lbs to 5'10 and 200+ lbs. During my sophomore year -- most of the time when i did get asked out, it was because of those rumors.  Funny that, the most I had ever done until that time was kiss one boy.  never even felt a penis until much later on. In my jr year, it was under the advice that I drop out.  Actually, I instigated it.  I was clinically depressed, had already attempted suicide (and that rumor was spread like crazy).  I had gained a lot of weight, was smoking, and had also was on my way of becoming an alcoholic.
When I went back that fall to re-do my jr year, I got taunted and teased by my classmates (and upperclassman, whom would have been my class).  I got mocked by people in the middle of the mall (an open area that adjoined the two buildings).  Teachers had very little apathy or hell, even empathy for me.  By the end of THAT jr year, I had made the decision to go live with my dad in Toronto. When I came back a year later, I got notified that I was short ONE credit from YMI  system to graduate.  I took my GEDs in November of 1991 and scored in the top 3%.  The instructor looked at me incredulously, because:
a. i completed them in 1/3 the time
b. i completed the whole series of tests within 1/2 the time
c. i had scored the highest that he had ever seen.
However, the stigma and shame I still feel 8 years later from having a HUGELY crappy high school experience (include psychopathic mother and her
string of BFs), I won't claim a GED -- but that I graduated from York Memorial Collegiate Institute in Toronto, Ontario.
And ya know what?
Not one person had ever caught me professionally for "lying".
High school sucked the big one.

I had been thinking about this recently and Jessica’s query and a nice little piece in the SF Chronicle about people bitching about TOO MUCH homework got me depressed. and angry. and furious.
Several weeks ago, since I’m still under the impression that these nitwits DO run my life and I am nothing more than a puppet on strings, I got on altavista the other day and searched for the people i went to school with. And you know what? I couldn’t remember /but/ three names! and of those names — I couldn’t find /anything/ about them on the internet. Strange. The internet has been my whole world for the last four years — and by now, if i can’t find something about someone — they must not exist.
strange to think that i had let this whole group, nee’ this fantasy, foible of sorts and nothing.
one day, I’ll write more and rid myself free of these demons.
x0x0x0x0x

voices trapped in yearning

after i had gotten home last night (exulted in the few hours of freedom of being both cathleen and justin-less), i had started reading old email while waiting for shelly to come on-line so that she and I could play backgammon.
i found an email sent to me from an “admirer” of sorts who was responding to both my page and the wired article that had appeared back in early February. and for some reason, that email tugged a cord at my heart. the person basically had said: make a concrete decision: either leave justin or accept the situation.
for the last three months, congruently, I’ve been struggling with the idea of what is right and what i want. for many people, as i have learned, their life is fairly mapped out for them and they have a basic sense of what they want and need. for instance, i had met a few girls from my political theory class. both girls are 20 and 21 respectively and are dating men who are older than me (27). both girls are ambitious enough to finish college within a short time period and get on with their life, however, they had both told their BFs that “they are done being children”. while i had admired their perseverance and energy, it bothered me that they were in such a hurry to grow up. at 26, i still find myself floundering in what course i want to take. Some days I want to be this organized and methodical person who desires a truly academic life. On the other hand, I want to be completely wild and crazy like Zelda Fitzgerald and live for the moment. both sides are true and both sides are untrue.
i was beginning (natch — being solitary) to wonder if i was the only one — but part of felt drawn to these girls because many of their fears and desires corresponded to my wants and desires. i could empathize and sympathize with getting ahead and doing something “more” with their life — but on the flip side, i had felt (and always felt) that there had to be time enough for love and life. so many opportunities i have let by — on the context (and pretext) that similar ones would come again. for the better part of my adult life — this has been true.
does this make me lucky or unlucky?
some would say, that in my aspects, i live a charmed life. i live in a great area (by someone’s standards), i have a decent job. i have a lot of friends who do care about me (michael 🙂 and i have many outside interests that help define me much more than me is being defined now (new obsessions: sarah again, henry rollins, zelda fitzgerald, unconventional philosophy, pentel r.s.v.p. pens in blue fine point). i still feel like I’m always this undercurrent of emotion. that my desires keep changing — thus while it makes ‘me’ me, but it also destroys any thing that could lead some sort of happiness for a brief time.
last week justin and i had another long talk (in fact several within the last few weeks). i finally told him point blank that i wasn’t in love with him. he knew! don’t get me wrong — for months I’ve been saying that he knew — and he did know. maybe he thought he could push it under the rug and it would go away. But as many of you who have been reading know I harp and harp on many of the same subjects for hours 🙂 hehe (literally — days worth of entries).
It was painful — but it still didn’t make my convictions “clear”. I still feel this overwhelming need to STAY with him. I don’t know what for — financially? emotionally? maybe I’m giving up?

balls

A recent entry from my guestbook:

Name: Tim (Homepage)
Country: Baltimore, USA
Date: Tue Mar 9 19:25:15 1999
Comment: You are obviously mis-guided, hostile towards life in general, and sound very unhappy. Seek some counseling.

I don’t mind if people email me and give me advice. However, I cannot take you seriously if you comment on me/this webpage/my life in general if you don’t have the fucking balls to leave an email address or something in terms of contact. This coward had no issues leaving some lame ass post on my guestbook about me and yet doesn’t have the courage to leave some form of contact. What the fuck ever.
Therefore, if you wish to contact me in any matter — so be it. However, do not let me mock you if you cannot have the balls to leave an email address.
feisty
The weather is has been absolutely wonderful these last few weeks. I have had no motivation to do anything other than attempt to sun myself and find some solace in the world outside. Recently, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time writing in a written journal and not updating TLC as much as I should. I’ve been completely in-love with the new pens I’ve bought and to celebrate, I purchased a brand new journal. I’m taking the existing one to be turned into a book journal.
I’ve been reading Zelda: A Biography these last few weeks. I had attempted to read it many moons ago when I was on my Fitzgerald kick. However, after reading Tender is the Night, I found the comparison between the two books (one fiction, the other not) to be too overwhelming. I started getting mad at F. Scott for taking his wife’s life and turning it into best sellers.
A few weeks ago I was bored and needed something to read. Several of F. Scott’s short stories were sitting on the floor by my bed when I had made the conscious decision to read them. I was so enthralled with Flappers and Philosophers, that I decided to start reading Zelda again.
This time, it has been going much better however the book is (in some places) dry and it seems that the author (Nancy Milford) bases too much emphasis on the letters Zelda wrote and taking all of Save me the Waltz and turning it into a literary criticism. What you get with the book (which is now out of print) is combination of hero worship, criticism, and rambling on.
For instance, Zelda’s birth through 18 years of age (when she met F. Scott) took up about 50 pages. However, it’s taking 3x that length to go through her few weeks in mental institution and a brief periods (less than five years) in an almost daily blow by blow account of her life. It’s a bit stuffy to read — however, after doing some major searching on the Interweb (and major booksellers) I found that Zelda: A Biography was the closest (if not the only) thing I had available to me to give me insight into Zelda’s life. Every other book (about five in total from what I had found) have long been out of print along with any book chronicling her life with F. Scott is also out of print.
While there is a lot of material about F. Scott and his work (including different editions of the same book, criticisms, and other fun stuff) anything having to do with Zelda alone or combining Zelda and F. Scott no longer exists.
This makes me sad, as I love Zelda.

tainted love

the love we shared
seems to go nowhere
—
once i ran to you.
now i run from you.
several weeks ago I was reading an issue of Time while I was at the grocery store. I thought that particular issue seemed interesting and purchased it.
The reason that I found it to be amusing was simply (or complexly) based on the fact that there was a side bar about Monica Lewinsky and they (the reporter) had tied in the words to the song “Tainted Love” in with the article.
While Monica is only a year younger than I (she is 25), I found myself appalled that the writer (who is most likely around our age as well) used that song to describe how Monica is getting on with her life. While the song is very poignant to her situation (relations), to me it symbolized my life as a kid growing up in the 80s. I danced to that song at various clubs, sang it out loud with my friends, crooned to BFs, and every single time I hear that song no matter where I am at, I always start dancing.
Now, that image of using it symbolically for Monica’s life has taken that away.
I can’t be angry — I’m sure. Many songs I’ve grown up with have now become the fodder for the “take back the 80’s” clubs. Servers make a living off of popularizing my childhood. It’s sickening, but we all know that the popularizing of the 60’s and the 70’s, the 80’s weren’t to far behind. It is going to be interesting how they will approach the 90s.
I’m guessing the symbolically (I’ll be down on my knees, screaming take me! take me! I’m yours. I’ve never felt so out of control) they will have games and like with popularizing the generated angst of the early 90’s, piercing stations and places to order tattoo’s by mail. songs that i grew up with end of high school/early college will become commercials and I’ll start fainting at the thought of being 30.
but back to the Monica deal.
On Wednesday, I sat there watching the interview with Barbra Walters, and thought about the drinking game someone had sent me via email that day. For once I wish I would have saved that particular forward. (I love the fact that you can order Chinese to have delivered to your house and whip out your check debit card to pay for it. ain’t life grand?)
I was amused at Monica, but it seemed so obvious to me that she was still protecting “Handsome”. I couldn’t understand, or even begin to understand WHY people find themselves attracted in May-December relationships. I’m not saying that they don’t work, however, I am saying that they tend to be more complications than they are worth. ‘Scuse me for being confused about love, but I’ve always thought that it was _more_ than just feeling. But I’m not Monica, and obviously her wants and needs aren’t my own.
While I was at Mr.Showbiz, they had a poll on what was going to happen to Monica in the future. The most popular option was “Spokesperson for Weight Watchers”. I started laughing at how ironic that is! See, to me, a lot of people seem to me to be so damn politically correct and yet at the FIRST opportunity to slam someone without feelings of guilt or retribution, they will. People make me so sick sometimes.
I bought Monica’s Story. Paul says it’s against the FFFF charter. Every time I take a look at his picture, I want to slap some ChapStick on his lips.
 

happiness

You’re such an ass Lisa. If you were
here right now, I’d just lean over and kiss ya.
Jonathan

Friday night, Justin and I had decided not to do anything more strenuous than watch TV. I however had been sucking down coffee all day and ended up staying till 3am on-line. I was bored. I couldn’t find anything (or anyone) worth talking to or doing. So I played around with my QuickCam for a bit and took some shots. I realized that many of my on-line buddies hadn’t seen me since I chopped my hair off and started sending them out.
“Lisa, are you mad?”
“What?”
“Are you mad or irritated about something.”
“Nope. I’ve been in a really good mood all day. Why do you ask?”
“I dunno — you just look really pissed off in those pictures.”
“Oh. Well I wasn’t.”
This is what it was like all weekend. I’d send pics to those who wanted them, only to be told I look like a pissed of bitch. And I wasn’t. I was positively goofy all Friday. Justin thought I had sniffed something because I seemed so out of “character” to him.
Ya know, I’m a petite little flower damnit. And I’m in a good mood for the most part all the time. So it bothers the hell out of me when I hear from friends that I always look pissed off.
Jonathan has made me promise to send him a picture of me smiling. I tried that. I took quite a few shots of myself with a cheesy grin — and it looked fake. not out of character — just fake. So last night, on ICQ jonathan started acting weirder than normal. i suddenly got really concerned and called him. he was laughing and we started sparing off one another.
I kept going “You’re such an ass Jonathan.” and he would laugh and say “Yeah, but you love it baby!” And I would sit there and giggle about something stupid.
It bothers me, really, that what people’s first perception of me. It’s confusing to me that quite a number of people talk about how great I am as a friend to them, and yet they turn around and talk to me about how pissed off or defensive I get.
hrm.
beats the fuck out of me.
sometimes I try, really hard, to be a good person. smile more. laugh more. and it still seems to me that you can’t win them all. if i try and be cheerful, people get all uptight about how “out of character” it is of me to be such a thing. and it doesn’t make damn sense to me.
maybe I’ve become too cynical and bitter in my old age.
From Danny:
“at the risk of getting bitchslapped by you (which may be a good thing) I’m gonna give you more than $.02 worth of my mind 🙂 (inflation adjusted)

“lisa, do you know when you’re the most attractive? when you’re gentle and quiet and relaxed and in a good mood. when you’re in a good mood, this little girl comes out that is so much a part of your unique personality. its the little girl that sleeps with a teddy bear, that talks about being truly and honestly in love, that stops and thinks long and hard about your future intellectually and emotionally.
“to be honest, i hate your rough/tough exterior. you’re not a bitchhoe, but when you are….i try to steer clear (not that we talk a lot anyhow) but when i do talk to you, i try to catch the happy gentle seductive lisa. i think its that line of age that everyone gets to where our lifeline stops being so jaggedly and starts to smooth out our personalities. it happens. i like the lisa that isn’t getting “fucked” either physically or emotionally because that makes you tough and hard. i don’t like the controlling lisa that can be so dominating at times. i believe that those are only phases. i believe that the rough/tough/bitchhoe exterior is all just a phase because the more i talk to you and hear from you, i see more of your lifeline smoothing out and hearing the gentle, calm, beautiful lisa coming out.
“i think this is what happened with Chad who is now honestly and truly in love. i think his lifeline is smoothing out, he sees things more clearly allowing him to be honestly in love. of course i don’t know Chad from Adam, but i think this is a part of everyone. Lord knows its a part of me as my life line is definitely smoothing out.
“this is the type of girl that will fall in love with someone and stay there because they will find that person who is also in the same stage in life. opposites only attract when they’re really young simply because they are ignorant to that other side of the world that the other person possesses. once they become educated and gain more wisdom about that other opposite life, it just becomes part of their knowledge bank and TRUE attraction comes from meeting someone more like them. at our stage in life, late 20s early 30s, opposites no longer attract. like attracts like. and you’ll be less likely to get your heart broken.”

keep clear

my street runs into what is commonly known as a t-section at the main drag. the 100 or soo feet between one corner to another on all three sides has in big white paint “keep clear”. stipulating, that for traffic to make left/right turns onto the main drag or a left turn onto my street, the “keep” clear sign alert people to allow this to happen. Now you won’t see “keep clear” printed on every t-section that you run into — however since the off-ramp light is located about a block from my street, traffic gets heavy and backed up and it’s a royal pain in the ass to make a left onto the main drag or to make a left onto my street.
now the bitch is, is that people are dumber than box of rocks when it comes to driving. too many times when i have come home from work, i have to honk like a mad person because some moron has his tricked-out pinto in the intersection that says “keep clear”. finally, it ends up with the person behind him backing up enough so that I can get through.
there are other “keep clear” intersections that people don’t bother to “read”. one is off of Grand Ave in Lake Merritt, by where Darryl lives. I have to make a left onto a side street to take him home, however since the street between grand ave and lakeshore ave is curved, and the street i need to get onto is a side street, it’s impossible to do so if traffic is backed up from the light. there is only room for about 2 cars before the side street begins. since it’s such a busy intersection, again the “keep clear” is a signal to anyone with half a brain that others need to get through and that at red lights, people should be behind the white lines. think this happens? Fuck no. Yesterday a woman stopped in the middle of the intersection, so that no one could turn left onto the side street and no one could turn left onto the main street. I honked and she finally got off her duff and moved her car up. Other people will blatantly sit there and NOT move. Once I saw a cop who turned on his flashers to get through the intersection and then turned them off as he continued driving. That, Darryl and I both thought, was completely and utterly unfair.
the one thing i have learned since i have lived out in california, is how negligible people are when driving. like when i rolled into this woman’s car doing less than 2 miles an hour at the toll both to get on the Bay bridge. she attempted to claim “neck injuries” until she found out that my insurance for that day had lapsed (it was picked up a day or so later. a fuck up by the insurance company). another example is when my roommate cathleen was driving home late one night, her blood sugar dropped and she ran into a parked truck. she left a note and her business card to get the matter resolved. when the person didn’t call her for several days, she walked over to his house (the accident occurred right around the corner from our house), the guy didn’t even realize that he had been hit. when he took his work truck into be appraised, they said over 2k worth of damage. 2k worth of damage to a small hit, on a work truck that was covered in bondo and had other dents and scratches? cathleen finally got the guy to take his truck to a reputable mechanic and the appraisal was for about 600 bucks (this is cali after all).
and it doesn’t stop there.
arrogant mother fuckers who drive like mad people during torrents of rain and think that gravitational laws don’t apply to them, people who will drive on shoulders for blocks to cut into traffic during high peak times, people who make lane changes without looking. the list goes on and on.
i had read somewhere that if you can drive in the bay area, you can drive anywhere. I’ve become such a good little defensive driver that i about ready to make a career change and start driving professionally.
beautiful day in the neighborhood
san francisco (nee bay area) is infamous for being absolutely beautiful one day, rainy the next and than back to being beautiful again. Wednesday (2.24.99) was so beautiful, i got out off of BART one stop early on my way back to work. i stopped at the San Francisco shopping center and walked down market, enjoying the beautiful day mixed with the always precious site of homelessness and yuppies who convene together on the sidewalks. the wind was blowing just right so that the usual smell of urine was distant.
while walking down the street, i felt this sense of happiness i hadn’t felt in a particular time. I’m still in a quandary about what to do with my life — and i feel that i need to make a decision soon. but the rub is that looking back at the past history of me and seeing the all too familiar patterns that keep cropping up. I’ve been running in this rut now for about four years (long before cali came into the view) and almost every new year, i say the same things “this year is going to be different.” but it never feels like it is.
patterns are everywhere. i read old journal entries from 95,96 (written journal not on-line) and see that my bitch and moans then are the same bitch and moans now. i look through past on-line journals and see striking if not similar patterns in a comparison to month to month of then and now.
i get confused.
I’m not quite sure what i need to be doing. thoughts keep going through my head such as “Justin is the best there is” or “are you going to school for yourself or to prove something to someone” or “you are getting old Lisa. pretty soon you will be 40! (14 more years)”. i run such a gamut from self-pity to being self-righteous it’s almost sickening. i can never make up my mind exactly what i want. my mantra has just been “school, school, school” but i don’t know what i want to do with my life after that. the choices are so overwhelming that i freak and just do nothing. i think about all the stuff i want to do, and feel guilty when people attempt to convince me that i shouldn’t have to do it alone.
then i hear about ex’s who are getting married (those evil fuckers) and i feel like something is inherently wrong with me.
i used to have this strong sense of “worth” to the extent that i knew how my life was going to be going — mainly with my love life. i knew what i wanted from someone and that i was strong enough to say good-bye if it didn’t happen. then i hear other people who seem least likely to be in love — be in love and it sounds almost clinical. i can’t imagine my life with someone, let alone of being in love again. it seems such a 180 degree turn of who i am now — that i fear that my worst fear has come undone.
I’ve become afraid.
last night i talked to my ex Chad (from downpour on my soul) and felt strange. the longing in his voice matched the longing in my own voice — our voices to each other still did the same things physically to us that it had in the past. we talked a lot about our relationship and all the fun times we had and reminiscing about when he was living in Pittsburgh and when i would go see him. over 3 years have passed since we have last talked on the phone and about the same since we last saw each other physically. he’s got a new girl right now and he seems to be completely and honestly in love with her — but i keep getting the sinking feeling of what “could have happened” if i hadn’t done what i did.
I think about that now a lot — about the mens I’ve dated and of those ones, the ones that i had the most significant relationships with. i could have been happy with any of them in the long-term sense — and lord knows i was wildly in love with all of them at the time we were together. but shit always gets in the way and i always end up getting my heart-broken (often for trivial things)

sick

i’ve been home since last Wednesday (2.17.99) with some sort of bronchial/flu/cold dealie going on. I get this every year — and I’m sure if I wasn’t smoking, I wouldn’t get it as bad as I do. So lesson learned today folks that lisa is quitting smoking. have to. i can’t quite get this coughing up my lungs by an early death. i’ve called into work and wrote (well, i’ve been meaning to!) to my prof’s telling them what’s going on. I feel horrible. Today I attempted to take Justin shoe shopping and nearly fainted at the store. I can’t move far and was afraid to drive home. I called in sick tomorrow, planning on even more bed rest and fluids. The only positive thing this has given me is a much needed loss of 5 lbs. score. not water weight — but fat. woo. will make my goal of 10 lbs this month.
so this is part the reason why people haven’t heard from me. one frantic person thought i was personally ignoring him. Nerp. (Kruton, I’m not speaking about you okay?) I haven’t had much energy to do much except sleep, read and watch movies back to back. Reading should equate studying. it doesn’t. instead i’ve been imbibing on all the heinlein books that i have in my library. which doesn’t account for much — really just five or six of his main tomes. I have found though that even though i greedily read his stuff a few years back, i’m not finding it as “entertaining” as i did then. i don’t know what’s changed. it’s still funny and in many ways, many of what he says hits the nail on the head — but from what i’ve understood in the past with old Heinlein lovers — he comes and goes in spurts. heh. literally. i’m not really being dragged into anything “new” via lit as of late. i’ve been reading spurts of Plato/Aristotle/Socrates (not necessarily in that order) for classes and of course, course work. I tried reading a book that i bought several years ago called “Pooh and the Philosophers” in which the author claims “all of modern western philosophy leads up to Winnie the Pooh.” However, when I bought the book several years ago (as a gag gift to myself) I thought it would be “cute” as all theories are possible.
however, when i delved into the book last night — i found it to be boring and tedious. i did not see any Socratic/platonic (heh) view between Pooh and freaking honey. the author — who teaches philosophy at Cambridge natch — has something up his ass — or in his brain. or maybe he’s smoking too much damn crack.
michael wants me to come to his philosophy club on Tuesday nights. he says i have to back up what is say with proof and meaning — none of which i hold dear to my heart (as if!).
however, i get the feeling that it’s nothing more than #philosophy in real life — with just as many ego-iq’s as the channel holds. should be fun. so i will probably go.
defcon
Jonathan is trying to get me to go to defcon 7 this year. i have no idea why. he just think it’s cool for me to go. i went to defcon 5. and i really don’t see a reason _to_ go. see friends? maybe. but i can see them anytime. besides, this whole thing isn’t my bag. Jonathan is just strange. even though he looks like chris o’donell.
look-alikes
several people have commented that i look like minnie driver. i wish to hell that i looked like minnie! damn is she fione or what here? anyway, basically people think i look like her or tiffani-amber theissen. and mainly because while both are brunettes, they also have wide faces such that i have. except i chopped all my hair off a few months ago in an effort to go shorter — and then thought about going shorter still — and regret cutting it off. i always fucking do that!
this is so banal and pointless. i just wanted something to show minnie’s picture. *meow*
i’m going to bed.
night.
x0x0x0x0x0x0x
ps: nyquil gives you some strange ass dreams. that’s all i’m saying because that is all i freaking remember.

strange currencies

bitchasshoe.org is up.
friday (2.12.99), i was standing outside of slip.net smoking my cigarette when this woman came up to me. she started talking about how for valentines day, her office holds a baking contest, where the first prize is $50 bucks. and after the contest, she says, they go into the lunch room and eat all the goodies. after she finished that sentence, she walked back into the building, leaving me standing there still staring at the space where she was standing. i turned around and stared at the building across the street, wondering if it was worth $400,000 dollars for a loft to live there.
every sunday morning, justin and i make pancakes and bacon. but just not regular pork bacon — oohhh no. we make Jenni-O turkey bacon (95% fat free!). we love this crap so much, we usually make 1 1/2 packages to 2 packages and then munch on it the rest of the day.
we were out of a few items, so i said i was going to the store. i skipped going to lucky’s, because i always get hit on, so instead i went to safeway. i was looking for potatoe soup to use in dinner tonight, when this little short woman (about 4’6″) asked me (6′) to grab a box of pie crusts for her. she thanked me and went on her way.
james says “hi!”
my friend james (who runs DarkNebula) invited justin and i to go on a trek to Yosemite today. however, the roads were so bad that they have closed down access and if you could make it up, they recommended snow chains.
the bitch punked out on us by emailing me later this morning to say that he wasn’t going to make it AND he wasn’t going to come over and spend V-Day with us — the bitch.
but he wanted me to send you his regards.
c:>format c:
i had gotten so frustrated with my software crashing on me, windows was having issues and my system was running so damn slow, that i bought a six pack of hefeweizen and moved everything off my c: drive to my other drives and zip. when that was all completed and i had no personal data left, i reformatted the fucker.
there is something almost pure about having a blank harddrive.
i copied my start-up files from a diskette onto c, and rebooted. it started giving me issues of “non-system diskette. please hit enter to reboot.” what the fuck? i rebooted and went into bios, and saw that it was attempting to boot from the cd-rom. changed the format of boot options and tried again. same error. i started with it booting from the a: drive. same error. i started to panic. i do this on a daily basis. i’ve done hundreds of machines this way — there should be no reason why it’s giving me error messages. i checked and re-checked everything over again. nothing is wrong or incorrect. i grabbed my sony restore disk. last ditch effort. however, i go with sony’s restore disk, and i’m stuck with fucking 95 (instead of 98) and all the bullshit crap they put on. in a very last ditch effort before giving up to the MAN i stick in the 98 cd-rom and pray. it boots and installs 98 effortlessly.
i have been saved.
now, i’m not some neophyte who doesn’t know what they are doing — i’ve been working with computers for eons (so it feels like). and i have done this type of thing a few thousand times — so imagine my perplexity that if this wasn’t working how fucked up that would be! well, for once i would like to thank god (b. gates) and the ability to boot off of cd-roms. mental note: cd-r burn more copies of winders 98 for personal use.
but the only thing i was really concerned about — was my taxes. i had done them via turbotax. after you submit the information, they tell you to check back within 24-48 hours and then finish it. well, i reformatted my computer, and saved my files. only when i re-installed turbotax, it wouldn’t accept my un-lock code — so off to calling Inuit to get the damn code and explain what was going on. the irony, is that while i’m waiting for tech support, i figure out how to get my old info back and finish with my taxes.
the really rad thing?
IRS is going to deposit my refund on or by 2.19.99. Now that is damn QUICK! 🙂 i’m not having issues with the MAN today!
moloch
i often write stuff and save it, never to be published in any format. such as i used to write for f.u.c.k., but it’s been nearly a year since i’ve given jericho anything. sometimes f.u.c.k. submissions became a entry update. and i’ve been writing in my journal more. i’ve got time to kill on BART — i need something to occupy me. i’ve been working on lisa 2000, but it’s not finished yet.
i just checked out the work in progress i started on a few weeks ago — i can’t believe i wrote so much in such a little time.
i hope to have it finished one day.
but in the interim, i’ll put up what i have.
erm, maybe not. i’m sick of hearing about 404 errors.
i’m audi 5000 g.
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Open letter to the hacking community, from Adam Penenberg

Feb. 8, 1999
Open letter to the hacking community:
Last week, Steve Silberman of Wired News called to tell me he and I and some other journalists had been duped by a psuedo-hacker named Christian Valor, AKA se7en. In April 1998, I had posted a piece on the Forbes Digital Tool web site about Valor¢s kiddie porn vigilantism and the fact that law enforcement knew what he was doing, but turned a blind eye. Cool story. Too bad it turned out not to be true.
I was certainly in good company. Steve also had written about Valor’s exploits, as had Newsday, the Independent in London, etc. Both Steve and I received letters from se7en’s ex-girlfriend simultaneously last week, but Steve got on to the story first. I was out of town. Sad to say, he and I were the only ones to respond to her letter. I told Steve I wouldn¢t post anything until his story hit. (See “Kid-Porn Vigilante Hacked Media http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/1999/02/17789).
I can¢t comment on how the Steve or the Independent or Newsday conducted their research, but I would like to share with all of you how I did mine, and what went wrong. I¢m sure there are lessons to be learned.
As you may or may not know, I am no stranger to taking on journalists I think have concocted stories out of thin air. I broke the Stephen Glass story, the associate editor of The New Republic who made up a story on hackers¯and was later discovered to have made up some three dozen stories for a number of well-known publications (See “Lies, damn lies and fiction”:http://www.forbes.com/1998/05/11/otw3.html). I also took on Beth Piskora of The New York Post, who I believe made up a sexy tech story on Organized Crime setting up phony companies for Y2K remediation, who then, she claims, inserted software to divert money from bank accounts (read: clients) to mob-controlled accounts. (See “Phantom mobsters”:http://www.forbes.com/1998/08/28/feat.html). This canard was picked up by Vanity Fair in a recent feature on Y2K. Vanity Fair has yet to admit it published a lie.
I hate it when you nail a journalist and instead of coming clean, he or she hides. This is what both Glass and Piskora have done. That’s why I’m writing this note.
For my story (Kiddie porn vigilante: http://www.forbes.com/1998/04/17/feat.html) I knew I couldn’t get on IRC and traffic in kiddie porn on a Forbes computer. You remember what happened to that journalist for NPR who did, and is now had to plead guilty to a felony¯all because he was ostensibly researching a story? So I relied on law enforcement, EHAP, and NAMBLA. I called literally 10 law enforcement officials who said they studied under Valor in one of his security courses. On the record, they would all vouch for se7en¢s hacking skills. Off the record, they all said they knew what he was doing but they didn¢t care. Everyone hates kiddie porn traffickers.
I also talked to EHAP, and they told me they were distressed by se7en’s actions, because it gave hackers a bad name. Se7en should turn them over to the cops or the ISPs, they said, not break the law in going after them. They didn’t say he was a fraud.
I also contacted NAMBLA through its web site. I asked if anyone knew a hacker named se7en, who was purportedly going after kiddie porn traffickers on IRC. I received a cryptic response, something along the lines of, “Yes, some of our members have been complaining about this guy. We just want to be left alone.” End of conversation. He refused to turn over any other details.
So I felt confident that with all this cross-checking that Valor was who he said he was. Obviously, I made a mistake. I think the most important lesson I learned is that law enforcement doesn’t have a clue what really goes on in hacking circles; they are not good sources for this. I also now won’t write a hacking story unless I can meet the hacker face-to-face and actually see evidence that I can then verify with other hackers¯or computer security experts I trust. This is how I approached my story for Forbes magazine on the NY Times hack that ran last fall (available online at: .
If you want to send me taunting email, telling me what a fool I was, feel free. I’m at apenenberg@forbes.com. But you can’t possibly be harder on me than I’ve been on myself this past week. You live, you learn.
Sincerely,
Adam Penenberg
Senior Editor, Forbes Magazine

wired, se7en, and me

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/1999/02/17789
There is obviously more to the story then what is being said.
My few comments in the article doesn’t show the nearly 2 hours of interviewing and email between me and Steve Silberman. there is a completely different story that isn’t being printed, and hopefully, at this point, it will get out. my reaction to the article is that i think Steve did a fab job — however se7en isn’t the mature nor the “grown up” he claims to be. while i realize journalistic integrity, but se7en comes out smelling like a rose much more then he needs to.
the main question i have received as to “why” i “dissed” se7en:
when you live with someone who not only lied to you, to your mutual friends, dismissed his own friendships along having a tendency to be completely sadistic: you wish them nothing but bad karma. se7en knew he lied not only about the kiddie-porn, but about everything. he would tell me things about his past, his friendships, peers that would be absolute and blatant lies. He would make me ‘promise’ not to say anything — and yet my own discreet searching found out that nothing he said matched — and when confronted would claim that it had been covered up or distorted to conceal the truth.
this was longtime in coming. se7en and i have been broken up for nearly two years — so it’s not the disgruntled girlfriend bit.
if anything, the one lesson i want everyone to learn is that do not always believe what you read. no matter who publishes it. do your own research and find out the truth yourself — because it is out there. (queuing up X-files music).
this site has gone from receiving 25-50 unique hits a day to a unique hit every 30 seconds since the story broke at 3am PST. If you are having problems pulling up anything on the site, smack me on the ass and let me know.
love,
me
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PS: update: 1:41 PM
Getting lots of email from “supporters” and comments from others. Received an email from Adam at Forbes who has requested that I post an open letter that he wants the world to see. There it is. 🙂
Steve posted an update to the original story. Nothing new — basically he calls Christian a “fraud”. 🙂 Score!
blatant self promotion
I’ve been thinking for awhile about giving back to those who have helped supported me since I’ve been doing the lisa chronicles. So i decided that the coolest thing to give would be t-shirts to all the subscribers of the list. T-shirts are cool — we all love them. So what better way to honor those who helped me then to give them something back?
Here is the deal:

  1. There is currently 28 people subscribed to the list. Once I have hit 50 subscribers by February 28th, 1999, I will be sending out an announcement to the list on gathering info (mailing address and t-shirt size).
  2. If I don’t hit my mark by that said date, I’ll be sending out an email anyway to those subscribed to the list and requesting specific information. Any t-shirts left (I make 50 shirts, there are 10 left as only 40 people are subscribed), will be SOLD for the cost of the shirt plus shipping and handling.
  3. Recap: If you want a shirt, and you are on the list, you get one FREE. If you are not on the list, and want a shirt, you will have to PAY for it.

The shirts will be cool. I’ve already done the design. It’s just a matter of me buying the supplies and making them.
Some things to consider:

  • Going over the hit mark: At this point, I will do it on a first come first served basis. If I get more requests then what I’ve stipulated, I will work out a trade agreement or barter or something. I’m po’, so I can’t afford obviously to give shirts to everyone.
  • Concern over privacy: this is understandable. I run four mailing lists and I have never had the inclination to sell my subscribers to anyone. I hate spam just like anyone else. If you don’t want me to know that you are reading this (as I’m familiar at who is coming to the site by dns/ip number — not necessarily the person) then I guess you lose out 🙂

If I’m leaving anything out, please let me know. I’ll add more as I think about this.
This is obviously a blatant request to get more subscribers to the list as well as readership. But no one said i had morals or ethics! 😉
Now, don’t be sending me information on how you want a shirt and blah blah blah now. Wait till February 28th or subscribe to the damn list! 😉
PS: update: 7:49 PM PST
20+ new subscribers to the chronicles.
700+ unique hits.
Shitload of email.
I’ve been totally and utterly fascinated by watching people come and go. I don’t know what I was expecting — but again I’m not letting this eat up my life. I’ve been responding to email for the most part of the day — and now it’s nearing 8pm and I still haven’t finished my physics that is due on Wednesday (in which I will probably have a test — fail — and I can blame it on my own damn self for not having the will to stop mucking with the site and doing email). But anyway, a lot of positive feedback — a lot of new subscribers — a lot of contact from old friends I haven’t spoken to in years.
I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen next — several people are referring me to being famous. hardly. i am what i am. i have a story (or 10 or 15) to tell — i happened to believe in the truth and i happen to think that this time is the most right of any.
the one thing i’ve been promising myself, long before jericho or shipley joined in the fray was sitting down and writing the story myself — publish it on my site and sit back and let the cookies crumbs fall as they may. i’m bewildered by the sudden popularity and also the kind words (again — the article doesn’t show but a few comments on 2+ hours of interviewing I did) from strangers calling me a “hero”. beats me — i like to think i’m extraordinary — but — doesn’t everyone else?
i’m surprised I didn’t hear from a few people — namely Christian and CPM. But that doesn’t surprise me. Christian named me as being the only “witness” to his attacks and I derailed that. CPM offers unflattering information about me in her book – based on the fact that “se7en hurt you” deal. Jericho says that there is nothing I can do to stop it — obviously the book is already in fucking print!
blatant self promotion
several (like october) months ago — a friend of mine found it hard to keep up with TLC via web — so he inquired about an email version. I set one up — and invited those who were interested to sign up. Mainly people I knew or knew of signed up — no big deal.\
A few weeks ago — i thought “wouldn’t it be great that if i could give something back to those who gave to me?” and came up with the t-shirt idea. So I proposed a project: 50 subscribers by february 28th would get a t-shirt. however, the problem is that many people, since the article came out, s*bbed to the list _basically_ for the shirt. that kind of pisses me off.

  • I can only afford 50 shirts. I’m full time student and working full time. A lot of people have been behind me since this has been around in 1995 (yes not a typo). I feel that it’s only fair to them to give something back.
  • 20 new subscribers today ALONE. one person even went so far as emailing me his snail mail address to get a shirt now. Hello! the shirts aren’t going to be made until the end of the month! goddamnit.

So here is the new deal. The offer still stands for the first 50 people who subscribe. Anyone after that up until February 28th will be given the option to either buy, at cost, the shirt or barter. I love books/music. I need more books music. One of these years i’ll put a wish list up and people can pick and choose from that. sounds fair? So if you are interested in signing up — be forewarned that if you are after 50 — then no free shirt.
fizics is calling me.
i have to get off the damn interweb.
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