(TW: rape, sexual abuse, sexual harassment)
Dear Internet,
I know! Two daily entries right next to each other. What in the fuck is the world coming to?
This morning on Facebook I said:

In the “2AM Bad Decision Hour” a few nights ago, I enabled my OKCupid account which consists of a few questions and a pic. That’s it. No lengthy intros, outros, what have you. In less than an hour, my profile had been liked over 20 times and I had 5 generic “hey baby” messages in my account. I immediately disabled the account and look forward to ten glorious months of being date-less. So while Hume is on point with inductive reasoning, I can say with the utmost sincerity and respect he’s never been on a dating site where without a shadow of a doubt there will be some twat who thinks sending dick pics is a good introduction idea.

Alright then.
I’ve come to some reasons, with personal introspection natch, why my romantic relationships tend to have my lover dump me rather than the other way around. In fact, of all the adulting relationships I’ve had since I was 19, I’ve only dumped one person — every one else dumped me (and came back with the “You’re the love of my life!” routine). This is not to say I went out with everyone who was interested in me or I was throwing myself into promiscuous behaviour at every chance I got (which goes against the typical hyper sexuality of the bipolar) but I did shoot down those I wasn’t in the mood for and typically cut the dumpers out of my life pretty quick. (Which is why they always come back, right? People typically want what they can’t have. Then I want them to want them just as bad and the cycle repeats itself.)
Between not having a father figure or any positive male role model in my life (my father left when I was 5 months old), traumatic experiences with sex (I’ve been date raped at least twice, attempted gang rape once, and of course the ongoing sexual harassment), I see nearly every man as a threat to my personhood. And I see nearly every man as a thing and not a person — my mother’s mantra was, “Don’t let a man run your life.” Which is WHY when I lose control in the relationship, which pushes the person to dump me (usually), I cut them hard out of my life. Because not all men ™.
My Connecticut therapist noted my sexual behaviour is to be the one in control (I fuck like a stereotyped man — I always make the first moves in relationships or I always initiate sex in those relationships). By being in control, I can direct where it’s going and how it will work without having the conscious effort of someone else being in control or letting them see my vulnerability (which explains why I always need to be the dominate one — which unsurprisingly frightens some of my past lovers. On the flip side, I crave to be dominated by a man and have rarely met one who can dominate me. I have a strong will.).
As long as I can be the best fuck they’ve ever had, they won’t leave. Right? (And my assertive and aggressiveness is why I hear over and over again through the ages I WAS their best fuck. Yay me?)
Literally the moment she said this, a huge weight came off my shoulders and I could enjoy sex without treating it as a means to and end and be my assertive self without the weight of the bullshit. (Women can’t like sex, be aggressive, or want to get fucked 10 ways to Sunday so to like sex was a BAD THING, amirite?)
When I was 15 or 16, my mother pushed me to ask my father as to why he, allegedly, sexually abused me. As one might assume, he was incredulous. For most of my adult life I’ve carried around this thought there was “something” happened but exactly what was never clear. Either something did not happen and my mother merely planted the seed or something did happen with someone and I’ll never know who.
One night, a few years ago, a revelation hit me. Why would my mother push me to ask my father about this particular topic? And if he HAD sexually molested me, and she knew what was going on, why was she continuing to send me to see him every summer? What kind of mother does that to their child? (And if you ever wondered why I’ve divorced my mother four or five years ago, this was the topping on the proverbial cake. )
There’s a lot under the hood in regards to my romantic and sexual life. A lot coming to the surface after years of not discussing it and ignoring it. Thus if I want to have a healthy relationship in the future, discussing it NOW in this place will allow me to forgive what has happened, forgive myself, and finally move the fuck on with my life.
(As an aside: I have no memory of my childhood up until the age of 13. Seriously. I have bits and pieces of “things” like learning how to ride a bike or kissing Jeff what’s his name against a tree when we were 7 but other than that? Not a goddamned thing. This contributes why I loathe people with normalesque families and my desperation to have one of my own verses shunning all blood familia.)
Another behaviour I’m aware of is the tattooing and remaining fat keeps (supposedly) potential suitors at bay as societal norms dictate a fat, tattooed woman cannot find love or sex. A weeding technique for potential future lovers is if your perceived notion of me is I’m a “prison bitch” with all 17 of my tattoos, then I don’t want to date you and I can block you out of my life. If you can see beyond the fat and think I’m beautiful, then you’re someone I want to be with. Being fat and tattooed keeps me safe or so I’ve trained myself to believe. (But obviously it hasn’t or else I wouldn’t be confessing all of this to you.)
This is the antecedent to my reality: I’m called beautiful/pretty/attractive or whatever by scores of different people on a regular basis. Despite the fat, I’m told I have an awesome bod and men want to fuck me, also on a regular basis. THIS is where my arrogance (and also conflicting) behaviour comes in: If I can get dick (as Amy Schumer so succinctly states), then I’m not a typical “fat girl” (yes, I’m fat shaming myself here and others — but it is to make a point), and I can have anyone I want (which tends to also be true). And I’ve been told over and over again my arrogance (or confidence) is what is most attractive about me: If you don’t want me, then fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Someone else will come along who will take your place (as long as I can fuck them into a happy relationship and they never leave says my internal monologue. Joke’s on you Lisa!).
This is cemented with commentary made my ex-lovers and street harassment:

  • “If you lose weight, you could model.”
  • “You’re really pretty – for a fat girl.”
  • “You don’t want to date me? Fuck you fat ugly bitch.”
  • “You should smile more, you’d be a lot prettier.”
  • “Nice rack/body/legs/shoulders (?!?).”
  • “You’re too pretty to wear makeup.”
  • “You don’t wear enough makeup.”

And so on. (See why I have a complicated relationship with my image?)
There is the exterior dialogue (I know why I behave this way), interior dialogue (I hate myself and no one will ever love me), and the reality (I can get dick anytime I want and 95% of the time always come back. They leave again but they always keep coming back). It’s conflicting because all of it is true.
The self-awareness of all of this, something I’m frequently told from therapists and TheExHusband alike, is rare. When you’re judged for what you are (or who people think you are or how you think people see you), bullied, and what have you — you spend a lot of time analyzing why you do the things you do. You look for the patterns. You muse on the whats / hows / and whys. You see how other people handle their own relationships and you model the good stuff (as you see it) into your own. In short, you psycho-analyze yourself into submission because it is ALL YOUR FAULT, you are the only person you have who can tell you the brutal and honest truth (with commentary from the peanut gallery to confirm or dismiss your findings as either quantitative or qualitative or neither. Or both.)
I stumble as I am human, something I keep reiterating for a very long time as I didn’t believe I was. I also think others think this about themselves as well. It bookends my loathing for the term “stable” as no one is ever REALLY stable. We have our stable moments that could last for months or years, but we all fall at one point or another – often more often than we care to.
This is where the forgiveness comes in: This is not a woe is me type of confession, it’s to clarify and map out those patterns that keep repeating themselves so I can break them. An ongoing theme for the last few years here at EPbaB is to break those patterns so future endeavors can begin, maintain, and end in a healthy way. There are things I cannot control (rape, harassment, my mother) and things I can control (how I react, how I present myself to future lovers, how I treat myself). The goal here is stop trying to control the things I cannot or ever will control.
Once I can work past those barriers that seem to plague me, take responsibility for my own actions (that I can control), is when the healing begins.

P.S. I forgot to mention my half-year birthday the other day (December 12), so it’s with a small reminder my birthday is in 181 days.

This day in Lisa-Universe: 2014, 2013, 2012, 1999, 1998

sassy skirt seeks alliterative ally

Last year, feeling rather despondent about the men I kept meeting, I put up a personals ad. Before doing so, I polled my friends to see what they had to say about me. The following is my favorite response thus far:
“GR woman (No! I’m still a girl, dammit!) who enjoys reading, the arts, travel and the occasional megadose of caffeine seeks a guy with similar interests. I have a fully functional brain, a tall and sexy body and a biting sense of humor; if anything of that intimidates you, sorry, please move along. I am *not* a project, trophy or challenge and I don’t need to be saved; if you can’t take me as I am, please read the end of the last sentence.”
Since 99% of the responses were from moronic twits, I pulled down the ad and went back to the old fashioned method. But since I’m always interested in meeting new people, I decided to put the ad back up. Lucky you.
“So, who am I? In a non-metaphysical sense, I’m a tall (5’11-6’1; depending on time of day and who’s measuring me) bodacious brunette in graduate school. During the day I’m a book pimp, while studying for my masters at night. In my previous life, I was a network engineer for a global corporation (if the phrase “nine billion dollar accounting fraud” means anything to you, you know who I used to work for). I embrace both the arts and technology, and feel just as comfortable discoursing on dead white male authors as I do about bleeding edge technology.
If anything, I’m a dichotomy. You’ve been warned.
I’m a music and movie buff as well as a pop culture queen. Musically, I dig everything from Miles Davis to Madchester to Bossa Nova. Right now I’m in love with Elbow and The Doves. In movies, my taste runs to independents, foreign flicks, and blockbusters. Though lately I’ve been obsessed with zombie movies. Netflix is my hero. I’m also a gaming nut and own four gaming consoles. Tivo has become my replacement boyfriend and my “children” consist of three pugs named after The Addams’ Family.
I’m well traveled, having lived in San Francisco, DC, and Toronto as well as Michigan. I’ve been to Spain, France, Germany, England and Scotland. I have a plethora of piercings (no, you cannot ask where they are located) and twelve tattoos.
I read voraciously and dig just about anything. Unfortunately, my training as an English Lit major has caused me to be a snob about books, thus if you think The Da Vinci Code (or books in a similar vein) is “great” literature, please move along. Big points if you dig Terry Pratchett.
Socially, I hit local pubs and shows with friends, read, catch up on Tivo, playing with my dogs, and writing. I plan road trips in my head, make mix cds for various moods and come up with a 1000 and one ideas that never get seen. I love ethnic food and am game to try just about anything once. I once fell asleep at the opera (I was tired! That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!), but I do like going to the theater, museums and the like. I also like just staying at home playing video games and watching movies. I’ve been known to watch entire seasons of shows in one sitting as well as What I like to do tends to depend on the mood I am in, which tends to shift. A lot.
I’m big on talking, especially debating where I tend to play the devil’s advocate. I’m highly sarcastic and my humour tends to run to the dry variety. If you can’t keep up with me intellectually, then move along please. I’m pretty opinionated and have no problem telling you what is on my mind. I shoot from the hip and usually say the first thing that come out of my mouth, which tends to get me in trouble. Very well-read, though common sense tends to take a backseat sometimes. I can be quite intellectual on some things and a complete ditz on others.
Any other questions?”

hot date

Smashing good day everyone. 🙂 BBQ was fun at C+S’s, though we were still perplexed how majority of the people in the group (‘cept for the baby of the group, sara) are in their late 20s/early 30s and we STILL separated into boy/girl groups. How the hell does that work?
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO. There was some group herpes action going around too.
So, I’ll talk about the date last night and since it includes some of my feelings, which are pretty consistent with BPD, I’m sticking it under a LJ-CUT
So IG#4 (his name is Sam) and I had been talking about meeting for a bit and finally agreed yesterday was the big date. We were going to meet at the GR Public Museum at 2pm, walk around and hit the planet-airum, do dinner, and then whatever. But plans kept changing because of the weather. So, I caught him online late yesterday morning and asked if he could bring the Whit Stillman movies with him that I didn’t own so that we could (if things went well), watch them later in the evening. Little did I know finding the movies would take several hours and by the time he hit grand rapids, it was already nearing 4:30pm.
We decided to meet at Barnes and Noble, to be “pretentious elitist asshats” (my words) on books. He had told me what he was wearing, and I had seen him walking down the middle of the parking lot as I was turning in. Since I had told him I was somewhat of a crazy driver, I gunned my engine and went tearing down the parking lot with the intent of stopping a few feet from him. He had gotten to the front of the store before I got close to him, but I did end up getting an awesome parking spot. I walked up, we shook hands, and entered the store.
For dress up, I opted to go super casual. I knew if I got “ho-banged up” (sara’s words), “hooched up” (jen”s words) or “tarted up” (my words), I’d be uncomfortable. I opted for my “Reading is Sexy tshirt,” with a pink camisole peeking underneath with my favorite jeans and these adorable cork wedge sandals I just bought that matched the shirt. My hair I left down (because I’m constantly being told people like it down better than up) and makeup was fairly minimal. I carried my clutch bag, which doubles as my bar purse, since I didn’t want to carry my normal everyday bag.
Things went off to a good start, lots of eye contact, body language was pretty groovy, and he got fairly smartassed which caused him to get smacked by my clutch bag at least once and a jokey argument almost lead to a banging of each other with coffee table books.
We were both getting pretty hungry, but he reallllllllllllly wanted to go to Vertigo (the local indie record store), which I resisted since going to Vertigo usually means I drop several hundreds of dollars and I can’t afford that. He promised to make it a quick trip, which I started twitching as I had already picked out a CD from the used bin that I wanted. I put the CD back and he paid for his purchases. We stopped at the video store next door to Vertigo and perused the foreign flicks since we are both fans and then headed off to Mikado for Sushi.
Mikado’s was closed, so I dropped him off at his car, lead him to my house to park his car and we then drove to Bombay for Indian (cos I’m lazy like that). Food was good, conversation was excellent. We split two dinners, lots of naan and samosas. We headed back to my place, I had him meet part of the posse (Jen, Mindy, and Kate). We walked the pugs, got settled in for movies.
We watched Metropolitan and Heathers, and literally spent the majority of the time separated by three pugs who decided to make it their business to lay all over Sam. No major flirting going on, really, our body language was pretty open but no one initiated anything. I was not about to (trying new theory of being less aggressive upon the first approach). But still, I wasn’t sure. During our last two weeks of conversation, I wasn’t sure if he was interested in me in a friend sort of way or in a romantic sort of way, so I asked him outright and he said romantic. But, he didn’t really flirt with me and I was getting highly self-conscious about it.
When the movies ended, we spent another couple of hours talking. We had been talking all night, even through the movies, and it was highly entertaining. He even commented it was a shame that we watched the second movie because he enjoyed talking to me so much and that he lusts after women he can hold conversations with. My library and musical tastes also rated big points with him as I apparently got cooler by the minute.
I wasn’t nervous. Which was weird, it just seemed we clicked on so many levels before with talking being with him just seemed natural.
So about 2:30a or so, it was getting late and we decided to call it a night. He wasn’t sure about seeing me again today (Monday) as he had to be at his parents later in the afternoon and he made plans for earlier in the day. He did say he wanted to spend next weekend with me as he’ll be in Grand Rapids helping a friend move and we are pseudo going to the Festival together. Apparently.
We walked ThePugKids for their nightly constitutional and brought them back in. We tap danced in my dining room for a bit and I could feel the tension getting tighter, the sexual tension. I wasn’t sure if I should just go lay one on him or what, when he did this swoop thing towards me that looked like he was going to kiss me but didn’t. I walked him down the stairs, as I had to lock up the front door, when he leans in like he’s going to kiss me. I step back and look at him, “Are you going to kiss me this time or are you going to do that swoop thing like you did before?” I eyed him suspiciously. He laughed and said no, he was really going to kiss me this time and we conked our heads as we went the same way. Giggled and went in for the kill.
Before I know it, I’m pinned up against the wall, hands above my head with his leg driven up to my crotch. It went from all friendly polite gentlemanly behaviour to BOOM. You could cut the sexual tension with a Ginsu and it would become dull. We’re throwing each other around my foyer like rag dolls and I’m surprised (literally) and didn’t come and see if I was okay we were THAT loud.
Hand, lips, bites, scratches. It was war and we both wanted to win and lose. I snaked my hand up underneath his tshirt and raked my nails down his back. He arched, moaned and said “I didn’t know I’d like that.” At one point, he was trembling, and I kept remembering saying to him was “Sam, sam, it’s okay, it’s okay.” For awhile we stood wrapped in each others arms in the foyer. I had ripped off his button down (good thing it was snap buttons) and his jacket and backpack were scattered on the floor. We were wrapped in each others arms with my head buried on his chest. He mumbled in my ear, “It feels to good to have you in my arms.” I smiled to myself and told him the only thing I wanted was to lay next to him, cuddled, in bed. No sex. He agreed he wanted that too. We tear back up the stairs and once we hit my dining room, bam, I was thrown up against the wall and we were all over each other again.
I stopped at some point and said, I can’t do this. He kept promising to be a gentlemen and I kept telling him, It’s not you, it’s ME! I can’t have a guy in my bed, whom I like and find myself sexually attracted to and NOT WANT TO RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF AND BAT HIM AROUND MY BEDROOM LIKE A RAGDOLL. Ahem. So there was that. He told me he wanted to see me again, and soon as possible.
Then I made the typical fatal mistake:
“Sam, what’s next.”
He kept going over and over about how much he liked me, and he thought i was incredibly groovy and how much he wanted to see me again. Because he works second shift, weekends were the only option. And he promised he’d see me next weekend for Festival.
But he got the deer caught in the headlights look. Things were getting really intense between us really quickly. Not just sexually (who knew?) but intellectually and mentally as well. While I was “into the moment” when we were all over each other, I kept conscious of how far I was “willing” to go. Like some level of me wanted nothing more then to unzip his pants, with the outside door wide open, and blow him until the sun came up. I wanted to just shed skin and crawl inside him. But we remained clothed.

Because I am bored and sick of homework

In part because I know several other people here on lj have yahoo personals and i’ll protect those innocents (hah, yah right), and because I want to kill the french language, I present you with a recent list of people who have responded to my yahoo ad. This does NOT include the numfucks who IM me on a near daily basis.
First off my ad:
The latest responses:
Conclusion: Time to rewrite the ad. All I keep getting is old farts who are Christian, Outdoorsy and “like to have a good time”. Even though to me, it is VERY clear that since I did not check Christianity as an option in what I was looking for. What is even better is the idiots who respond to me via IM who say “What do you do?” — um, it IS in my profile, did you NOT read? Apparently NOT.

In which Lisa has committment issues

So, HGFH and I have been emailing back and forth. Despite me being totally upfront with her, she’s absolutely convinced I hate her. I don’t hate her, but I’ve known her for 17 years and we’ve never really sat down and talked about our differences. Ever. Oh, we TRIED but that got pushed out of the way with the quickness.
Especially considering we spent at least 10 years living in different states, it’s easier to push it to the side. So her emails to me are about how much I hate her (which, again, I never said). My emails to her are convincing her I don’t hate her, I just have a problem with what she does in some things but on the same hand I’ve also praised her for being my friend.
She wants to break off being friends from me.
Which, totally surprised me, seeing as she was the one who wanted closure on our argument (fine, i agree to that) but WANTED ME TO BE UPFRONT AND HONEST WITH HER ABOUT HOW I FEEL! I told her she was being passive/aggressive — again and that she needed to either stick with one thing or another. IE: If she wants to “review our friendship,” fine, I have no problems with that but don’t email me about how you don’t want to be friends with me and in the same email you want closure and work this out. You can’t have it both ways. I’m sorry, but hey, if you want me to be honest with you, I will.
Long story short, I told her to email me if she wants to pursue this and work it out or if she really wants to break it off. Just for the record, I don’t bear anyone ill will — ever. I don’t give that kind of power to others — I’ve learned only what that kind of power can do. I don’t hate — oh sure I’ve been catty but it’s not like I’m sitting there making voodoo dolls and sticking pins in people and wish them ill will. Shit don’t work out, fine and dandy, it doesn’t work out. People mistakenly get this idea that because I have strong opinions I’m also a hate monger and I’m not and I really resent the fuck out of it if you think I am.
Also on the update issue, tiglore and I finally met up on a date — and it didn’t work out. :/ We did part as friends and are planning on hooking up some weekend (this upcoming one or the next) to do a GodFather marathon and to generally hang out etc. He said I was now regulated to his order of “sisters” which I’ll take in high regard. Then the bastard tells me that if we had worked out, our next date he was going to bake cookies in shape of roses! Men! I tell you!
Sometime later on in the week, tiglore and I were talking about crush with Pip, the tattoo artist whose picture I had on LJ a few days ago. I told tiglore I would be hesitant about pursuing something with Pip simply because he works at a shop I frequent and it falls under the same category for me as dating people I work with — I just refuse to do it. It doesn’t appeal to me and I always seem to have drama surrounding my life so any way to minimize it, I will. The irony is that friday night as Pip was tattooing me, he was telling me how he would never pursue someone he tattooed unless it was outside the shop. LIke he met his girlfriend via the shop, but she pursued him at his second job. He’s afraid of the ink whores who come in just wanting to get with an artist for free ink.
But conversation was stilted. Like, every damn time I come in, we are ALWAYS talking and after I got my outer labias done, I ended up staying at the shop for another two hours while he was working because we were talking about everything under the sun. My appointment on friday got bumped because one of the owners told Pip he had to take an overflow appointment because another artist was running behind. I didn’t end up getting ink till later on in the evening and while he was tattooing me, we barely spoke a word to each other. Oh yah we talked but it was — different. I don’t know if it was because we had things on our minds or what but after a break when a bunch of the artists went out to have a smoke, I got to listen how they talk about women. OMFG, I felt so removed from my own sex by these skanky women that they date and thinking that I’ll be spending the rest of my life alone because I’m not skanky. I can’t win, I tell you! When we did talk, I asked Pip about his gf and her name is Heather. No offense or anything to any of the Heathers out there, but all I could think of was the movie Heathers. There are issues between those two and well, lets just say it’s not my place to get involved and so I will remain just the SINGLE ink slut who goes in to get inked.
In other news today, Paul IM’d me (my ex, not AQ Paul) to tell me he wants to come visit for Halloween because apparently Slayer is playing at the Orbit Room with Hatebreed and a few other bands on Halloween night. I was planning on going to go to ministerofsilly’s house with him and his lovely wife lotus_flower and pass out candy. OR the shop usually throws a huge halloween bash as well. But hell, that would be cool to see slayer. I already bought my costume 🙂 Let’s just say it’s sexxxyyy. Anyways, either way, looks like I’ve got plans for Halloween. Now the interesting thing is that Paul has an extra ticket to see Eddie Izzard at the DC shows. Now HGFH and I were supposed to go to the Detroit show and I’m going to suppose if we are no longer friends this is off and Paul invited me to see the DC show, which falls during my Fall break from AQ. So, I might be in DC for a few days and if I do, I’ll be sure to let people know so we can do dinner or something 🙂
The weirdest thing happened this weekend: I had a 65+ year old woman tell me she loved my knee high black boots. Go figure.

Yet another reason why men are idiots

I really appreciate you think i’m ‘hot’ with my long hair but you have KNOWN i’ve been single for almost a year now, why do you keep going on about how we ‘should’ meet in random city for quick sex? Jesus christ.
That is in refrence to a guy I knew when I was living in DC and we both moved from the area. He’s been alluding for months about us hooking up but i never took him seriously — and why should I? Men who sit there and talk about ‘what’ they are going to do and NOT do it, turn me off. Don’t sit there and tell me how you want to see me/ call me/ etc, just fucking do it for the love of god.
IM’ing me telling me how much you want to bang me, really isn’t attractive either.
Guys, take this as a personal tip, please.
I’m more about action, not talk.

In which Lisa conducts an experiement

I’m feeling particularly frisky this evening and had been thinking of some things about my looks recently, namely to the overwhelming response to the picture I posted a few weeks ago and hence the new lj icon. I’ve always been a great believer that I should be accepted for the brain and not the bod, and yet I know that’s not necessarily realistic. We are a society that feeds on the young and the attractive and if you don’t fall into that your shit out of luck. Yes, beauty is subjective, but on the flip side, I’ve seen many women of all ages and sizes who are fucking stunning and I realise that is also because of how they carry themselves and how they act. Beautiful souls do shine through (too many women on my list reflect that, so I won’t list them). It’ called confidence and I’m finally wearing it.
As I’ve publicized here, I’ve done the personal ad route since I’ve been back in GR with very little success (I’ve met one person who I like and we have yet to meet yet!) Oh, even with the goofy ass pics I posted I was getting responses but it was from men who weren’t even remotely LIKE me in any sense of the word. Like the gentleman who was looking for a black woman 18-50, who attended services 3x a week, was college educated and had kids — PLUS was a stay at home mom to boot. Do I even remotely sound like that? No, of course not.
Armed with new confidence and the new pic, I went back to and updated my ad. Salon, Nerve, The Onion and many others use the same service called SpringStreet but it’s all integrated into said sites. I’ve been a fan of Nerve since they first opened years ago and had a founder account. I had a few credits left that I must have bought, geez, who knows how many years ago so, I updated the picture and started randomly answering ads. Oh, unlike before where I was ‘looking’, now I’m not. I’m not expecting anything in return other than to ditch the credits and clean the account out. While I’m all for online relationships, I need something more in my life and it might not even be a relationship with someone. I’m more of the flirty type right now. I’m floating in a sea of my own making.
So while I was browsing, I found an ad that looked familiar and I couldn’t figure out why. The id of the name was tugging at the back of my brain and then it dawned on me that we had corresponded before and had moved on to personal email and then it dropped out of the blue. No explanations, nothing. I didn’t let it bother me, and moved on. But the strange thing was, the pictures he showed me were of an alright guy. Sometime later, I found new pics of him and went EWWWWW. (I remember Llarian commenting on why I thought it was being superficial I didn’t find him attractive, but i can’t find the post). So it’s six months later, I’m flipping through Nerve, find the first id. Keep flipping, find the second id. Both id’s are his, I remember him telling me so, but the irony is that it’s a completely DIFFERENT pic than any other ones I had seen of him or that we had swapped. The other irony is that both of is ids are completely and utterly different in profile.
The other ironic thing is that the picture of me, a full on face photo, is also probably one of the better pics of me in a long time and looks NOTHING like the pics I swapped with him. It’s almost like looking at two different people, six months later. It’s all just very bizaare with me right now 🙂
So you have probably already gathered that the new pics of him are of course HOT. Well duh, why would i bother rambling if he wasn’t?
It’s just all very surreal. I probably won’t hear from him, but that’s also totally okay. It was just one nights procrastination instead of doing homework 🙂

And he continues

Background info, I live in a ‘burb of Grand Rapids, called Wyoming, not the state OF wyoming 😉 Anyways, I ignored him and got ready for literacy training and left and came home to find the following:
[16:51] dreamcatchermja: I’m sorry if offended you. Are you ok
[16:56] dreamcatchermja: So what kinds of things spark your interest?
[17:03] dreamcatchermja: I would like know more about you and your interest
[17:10] dreamcatchermja: So tell me something about you? What makes you so fun?

I should start a page on Yahoo shannigans

[16:13] dreamcatchermja: Hello There, My name is Michael. I am from Wyoming. I am a Working Chef but I am a Double-major in Accounting and Business Management at Davenport University
[16:38] modgirllisa: hello.
[16:39] dreamcatchermja: Hello
[16:39] dreamcatchermja: How are you today?
[16:40] modgirllisa: just peachy
[16:40] dreamcatchermja: So where are you at now?
[16:40] modgirllisa: in my apartment
[16:41] dreamcatchermja: In G.R.
[16:41] modgirllisa: yes
[16:41] dreamcatchermja: What’s your name?
[16:41] modgirllisa: Lisa
[16:42] dreamcatchermja: Hello Lisa
[16:42] dreamcatchermja: So what would you like to know about me
[16:42] modgirllisa: Nothing.
[16:42] dreamcatchermja: Why?
[16:42] modgirllisa: Because you sound boring.
[16:43] dreamcatchermja: Whatever
[16:43] dreamcatchermja: I like to go to concerts, the beach, and I have jump off a bridge and more
[16:43] modgirllisa: That’s nice.
[16:43] modgirllisa: bye now.
[16:44] dreamcatchermja: I have played chicken with trains and I used to swim in Thunderstorms in Lake Michigan
[16:44] dreamcatchermja: I am Risk Taker so call me “Boring.”
[16:44] modgirllisa: First off, playing chicken with trains and swimming in thunderstorms is not being ‘edgy’ it’s being stupid
[16:44] dreamcatchermja: So you think you are a challenge or what?
[16:44] modgirllisa: and you are boring.
[16:45] dreamcatchermja: I don’t think so.
[16:45] dreamcatchermja: That is when I was young
[16:45] dreamcatchermja: Now I am working hard to have the finer things in life
[16:45] dreamcatchermja: I am going to own several mall businesses
[16:46] dreamcatchermja: So what do you for a living?
[16:47] dreamcatchermja: So what do you for fun?
[16:48] dreamcatchermja: I like to go to thh Beach, play sports, and dance

internet relationships: the good, the bad, and the ugly

My birthday is tomorrow.
Gifts of luv, money, new life, geeky men can be sent here.
what we lose, we become
in this dust bowl of a soul, of this ego of the mind
just a little too hungry, i don’t know

this is something i’ve been thinking about for the last few years that i have never gotten around to writing about. oh yeah sure, i’ve had internet relationships — i think now it’s more of the norm than anything else. but there is so much trepidation about it and so much myth — i finally had a reason to write about it.
so here you are, sl00ting around the web. you find someone’s website that you think kicks ass. you email them. they email you back. your swapping email back and forth all day at work. next thing you know, you’re sitting up on irc all night talking to them. OR your sitting on icq and you get messaged by someone who is dong random searches and you come up. You exchange a few pleasantries and next thing you know your picking out china patterns. OR you are on a mailing list and you start exchanging words with someone whom you admire for their thoughts.
so then what?
someone once said to me, that if airlines started offering special discounts for people who met via the internet, they would make a killing.*
Back in 1995, when i met my first person off the internet, i was scared. At this time, most of the people i hung out with on a daily basis didn’t “get” my obsession with computers or with the internet. My friends didn’t get “it”. But they were intrigued. They thought i was crazy to have been meeting someone, who while i “knew”, i never literally met in “real” life. And that’s how i met Matt.
The basic jist of the story is this: i met Matt on irc one day while i was wasting time instead of working on homework for Trig. He was a student at U of West Georgia. We started talking back and forth and things just clicked. i thought it was silly to have “like” text, but, anyone who knows me knows that i’m pretty stubborn and that nothing stands in my way of things. i liked this person, i liked him a lot. The little thing called geography didn’t bother me. But then there came a time when you can only do so much talking and have to make the decision on whether or not your going to carry the relationship farther than what it is. We made that decision to meet.
i had told all my chums about him by this point and they were as intrigued with meeting him as i was. So, one fine day in October of 1995, he flew to Michigan and we met.
My job was to reserve a motel room and meet him at the airport. My friend Jenni was along for the ride as she had also talked to him via irc and on the phone. i still remember standing at Kent County Airport, smacking on gum anxiously as he debarked from the plane. My breath caught. When he entered the gateway for visitors, i ran up to him and gave him a big hug.
Nervousness was all around.
i remember sitting in my car, getting ready to get out once we hit the bar to meet my friends and he looked at me and i looked at him. i just melted. He learned over and kissed me so right that i became a puddle on the floor. We walked, hand and hand with sheepish grins on our faces to have him meet my friends.
A few foo-foo drinks later, i was calmed down enough to not feel like i was going to throw up. Matt held my hand at the bar as everyone chatted around us. The DJ was playing a slow song when Matt asked me to dance. My friends were looking at us in awe.
When he left a few days later, i cried so hard i thought my heart would break.
Of course, things weren’t as perfect as they had seemed. Matt and i had talked about me flying down to Georgia for his birthday which was also Christmas day. in November of that year, i was planning on going to a journalist conference in DC and had called him to see if wanted to meet me there. He started hemming and hawing about it and told me that if i met someone, to go for it. i was like “what the fuck are you talking about? i’m dating YOU!” he kept telling me that he would understand if i met someone closer and that it would be “okay” if i did that. He also didn’t want me to spend my money on a plane ticket to come down for Christmas. he wanted me to save it. i argued that was whole point of having that money — that was what i saved for.
i flew to DC with the rest of my friends from the college newspaper i was on. ironically, all the girls in the group were dating someone — and i was the only person who didn’t cheat on my “bf”. i did meet RJ — but that is another story in and of itself.
When i got back to a cold and snowy Michigan, Matt called me. i was at the newspaper room working on edits for the next issue. He wanted to break up — he needed time. He needed to make sure this was what he wanted. i couldn’t believe it. i was absolutely aghast. i cried and begged and pleaded. i had convinced myself that i was in love with him and i thought he felt the same way. That is what he told me. i had put my faith in someone and i got my heart broken.
The truth came out a few years later:
it seems that while matt was finishing his degree, he had short funds (who isn’t in college). A good friend of his was going to live in Atlanta and was going to sublet her apartment. it was a two bedroom and she was going to sublet it to him and to another girlfriend of hers.
He and the other roommate started dating and had been since the summer, while i was under the impression that we were a “couple”.
Matt found me a few years later on irc and wanted to call me — he had things to tell me. i had known about the story from him previously — but he needed to tell me something he said.
So i was living with Danny then and even though Matt and i had worked out our differences as a couple, we were still friends.
He told me, that he had fucked up. it had been eating away at him for the last couple of years of what he had done to me. He knew, he said, that i was the one for him. But the whole distance thing and my faith in him drove him mad. He got shit over (who hadn’t?) by his last girlfriend before me and he just assumed that i would do the same. So, to protect himself, he started dating the roommate. The ended up living together later on. it wasn’t that he really loved her — he did. But he wasn’t in love with her like he was with me. He knew he fucked up. He knew that he had let fear and uncertainty eat away at his soul till he had to cut me loose. He couldn’t apologize enough he said. He wished he could go back to make things right. but by this point, years had traveled between us. i was living with danny — we were talking about getting engaged. my heart broke even more because the girl in 1995 would have said yes to him in a heartbeat. and now things had changed. he loved me he said — and he always would. he would never forgive himself for letting me go. he told me he loved me and that was literally the last time i heard from him.
on the ride into work, Cat, Scott and i had the conversation about internet relationships. i needed feedback. i wanted to know what they thought about it. Cat had scary stories — not of her own personal relationships but of freaky friends she knew. Scott was more positive about it. He said, if it weren’t for the fact that he was meeting new people off the internet, he wouldn’t know what he would do. He’s extremely shy — this gives him a chance to open up and talk to people he would have problems talking to in face to face conversations. Scott moved to SF for someone he had met on-line, and they dated for two years. Cat told me of a girlfriend of hers that had been “dating” this guy for about seven months before she actually met him. The friend flew to be with him for the summer, they fell in love even more so and got married.
For me? Well, that’s a whole different story in and of itself. Out of the countless 100s of people i have met off-line that i knew on-line, the relationships are really no different than in a face to face encounter. i love going out drinking and having fun, but i do not think highly of meeting people in bars. Four years ago, the one person i had met in a bar had attempted to rape me at his house. if it weren’t for the fact i had brought a friend with me, it probably would have happened.
But out of all those 100’s of people i’ve met, 90% had been platonic relationships. i’ve meet people from user groups or mailing lists of common interests. i’ve gone to parties and what not. it’s no longer weird or strange, it just /is/. Living out in SillyValley, where everything is internet related, it’s hard not think that you met someone off-line as opposed to online. This past Christmas time, i was walking around downtown with a bunch of people i had met from the mailing list FTE. it didn’t seem strange to me that the i wouldn’t have met any of these people if it weren’t for the fact that i had to take the initiative and sign up on the mailing list.
i’ve heard people rag on the fact that people who are on-line have no life (i find it amusing they feel the need to say this on irc — hypocrites?). But, if someone was out going out every night and partying and wooping it up — that’s having a life? it’s a contradiction in terms to me. Like what i said above — that i am weary of meeting people in bars — but on the flips ide, where else am i gonna find someone with similar interests but at a like gathering? it just doesn’t make sense to me why the common thread seems to be that people are all over the fact that it’s okay to do one thing and not okay to do another.
a few years ago, i came up with a book idea about two soul mates who lived 3000 miles apart from each other. each chapter of the book flip-flopped between the two characters: each telling their own side. i hadn’t thought about how they had met yet, but the idea would be that they would have a relationship /before/ they met. that they knew upon meeting that the other was it.
i’ve always been a mind person. i would rather have dated someone who thinks similar to me than to date some gorgeous stud muffin. eye candy isn’t enough — i need mental stimulation or else i’m gonna get bored. and where else but the internet are you gonna find it like that? And the same thing flips both ways. i want someone who appreciates my head first than my body. that’s important to me. i’m not always going to be young and beautiful, but I’ll always have my mental facilities about me.
i hope.
it’s now June 12, 1999. And i should really get to the point of what this long rambling chronicle was about:
Lisa’s Steps to a Successful internet Meeting:

  • internet time vs Real timePlease be aware that things are highly accelerated in meeting someone on the net. The very basic conversion that for every one month on-line that you know someone, it equals 6 months in a day to day “face to face”. Why? Because of the lack of interaction with that person, everything is going on by feelings and words, which we all know is very intense. How you choose to act with that person is your call, but feelings and what not can be very harsh and unreal it seems. So take it slow.
  • On-line personality vs real-life personalityThis is a big one. The huge argument that i’ve heard about meeting people off-line is that you really don’t know them. My devils argument is that you probably know them better than anyone else. They choose to revel to you what they might not revel to their day to day counterparts. Be aware of that. it’s important that you go by gut instinct and how you feel. if something doesn’t feel right about the person, don’t put yourself in a position to disappoint yourself. Too many times people say “Well i didn’t know!” and they did know, they just choose to ignore it.
  • Timing is the keyWhen the words “i think we should meet” come out — be prepared for your relationship to change. Once you start about meeting face to face in the BBR (big blue room), you’ll find that anxiety and fear can start replacing your calm cool collected feelings about the person. While yes, it would be great to meet the person casually, don’t rush. This is very important. if you have interweb-newbie friends, they are going to think that meeting someone off-line is going to be weird. Go with what feels comfortable with you. For some people, meeting the next day works while with others it’s a year later. When and how you decide to meet is totally up to you, there is no set limit.
  • Friends and Familyif you are involved in an internet relationship that is of the romantic flavor, and you tell your friends they may think you have been hitting the crack pipe a little too hard. it is MUCH MORE common now to meet people on-line then ever before. They may disapprove. They may say harsh things. i’ve been on both sides of the fence, but once my “real” friends got used to the idea that i had “on-line” friends they were more willing to accept me meeting them. There are always going to be stories about people who got killed, raped or what have you from meeting someone online. Most of these stories can be traced back to urban legends and or myths started from something else. Meeting someone on-line and carrying it over to “real” life is no different then meeting someone from a personals ad or meeting them in another medium ie: through friends, blind dates or what have you.
  • Common Sense When you are planning on meeting someone for the first time, keep in mind the following items, which is basically all common sense:1. Meet in a public place. For coffee or dinner or what have you. Most of the friendships i have kept and generated from being on-line, those friends tend to be 1000’s of miles away. if i get really good vibes from the person, we will make arrangements to stay at each others house. My friend James flew in from England on five days notice and stayed with me and my roommates to go see Star Wars: Phantom Menace. Since James and i are platonic friends, there was no pressure other than nervousness (which is normal) when we met. We fell into our roles in real life as we did online. Because neither one of us really talked about the “stress, fear, anxieties” or even felt it before we met, our meeting was like two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years.
    2. Out of town trips. if you are planning on meeting for the first time, take the time out to plan a trip. Again, work with what’s best for you. When i lived in Michigan, i drove everywhere, which i loved doing. i would crash at someone’s house and we would go to an irc party and have fun. Now, that it seems that most of the people i keep running into live more than 1k miles from me, flying to see them is the only option. Going by the rules above, when a date is planned, talk about the transportation. Split the cost of the plane/train/bus ticket. Decide what feels right to you about where to meet (whose city) and where you are going to stay. For some, staying at a hotel is an option or staying at the persons house. go what feels comfortable for you.basically, i could go on and on about this. but when you come right down to it, each meeting is unique and individual as the two people meeting. keep your wits about you, don’t let fear or anxiety override your feelings for the person and everything will be fine.

the birthday girl