hot date

Smashing good day everyone. 🙂 BBQ was fun at C+S’s, though we were still perplexed how majority of the people in the group (‘cept for the baby of the group, sara) are in their late 20s/early 30s and we STILL separated into boy/girl groups. How the hell does that work?
HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO. There was some group herpes action going around too.
So, I’ll talk about the date last night and since it includes some of my feelings, which are pretty consistent with BPD, I’m sticking it under a LJ-CUT
So IG#4 (his name is Sam) and I had been talking about meeting for a bit and finally agreed yesterday was the big date. We were going to meet at the GR Public Museum at 2pm, walk around and hit the planet-airum, do dinner, and then whatever. But plans kept changing because of the weather. So, I caught him online late yesterday morning and asked if he could bring the Whit Stillman movies with him that I didn’t own so that we could (if things went well), watch them later in the evening. Little did I know finding the movies would take several hours and by the time he hit grand rapids, it was already nearing 4:30pm.
We decided to meet at Barnes and Noble, to be “pretentious elitist asshats” (my words) on books. He had told me what he was wearing, and I had seen him walking down the middle of the parking lot as I was turning in. Since I had told him I was somewhat of a crazy driver, I gunned my engine and went tearing down the parking lot with the intent of stopping a few feet from him. He had gotten to the front of the store before I got close to him, but I did end up getting an awesome parking spot. I walked up, we shook hands, and entered the store.
For dress up, I opted to go super casual. I knew if I got “ho-banged up” (sara’s words), “hooched up” (jen”s words) or “tarted up” (my words), I’d be uncomfortable. I opted for my “Reading is Sexy tshirt,” with a pink camisole peeking underneath with my favorite jeans and these adorable cork wedge sandals I just bought that matched the shirt. My hair I left down (because I’m constantly being told people like it down better than up) and makeup was fairly minimal. I carried my clutch bag, which doubles as my bar purse, since I didn’t want to carry my normal everyday bag.
Things went off to a good start, lots of eye contact, body language was pretty groovy, and he got fairly smartassed which caused him to get smacked by my clutch bag at least once and a jokey argument almost lead to a banging of each other with coffee table books.
We were both getting pretty hungry, but he reallllllllllllly wanted to go to Vertigo (the local indie record store), which I resisted since going to Vertigo usually means I drop several hundreds of dollars and I can’t afford that. He promised to make it a quick trip, which I started twitching as I had already picked out a CD from the used bin that I wanted. I put the CD back and he paid for his purchases. We stopped at the video store next door to Vertigo and perused the foreign flicks since we are both fans and then headed off to Mikado for Sushi.
Mikado’s was closed, so I dropped him off at his car, lead him to my house to park his car and we then drove to Bombay for Indian (cos I’m lazy like that). Food was good, conversation was excellent. We split two dinners, lots of naan and samosas. We headed back to my place, I had him meet part of the posse (Jen, Mindy, and Kate). We walked the pugs, got settled in for movies.
We watched Metropolitan and Heathers, and literally spent the majority of the time separated by three pugs who decided to make it their business to lay all over Sam. No major flirting going on, really, our body language was pretty open but no one initiated anything. I was not about to (trying new theory of being less aggressive upon the first approach). But still, I wasn’t sure. During our last two weeks of conversation, I wasn’t sure if he was interested in me in a friend sort of way or in a romantic sort of way, so I asked him outright and he said romantic. But, he didn’t really flirt with me and I was getting highly self-conscious about it.
When the movies ended, we spent another couple of hours talking. We had been talking all night, even through the movies, and it was highly entertaining. He even commented it was a shame that we watched the second movie because he enjoyed talking to me so much and that he lusts after women he can hold conversations with. My library and musical tastes also rated big points with him as I apparently got cooler by the minute.
I wasn’t nervous. Which was weird, it just seemed we clicked on so many levels before with talking being with him just seemed natural.
So about 2:30a or so, it was getting late and we decided to call it a night. He wasn’t sure about seeing me again today (Monday) as he had to be at his parents later in the afternoon and he made plans for earlier in the day. He did say he wanted to spend next weekend with me as he’ll be in Grand Rapids helping a friend move and we are pseudo going to the Festival together. Apparently.
We walked ThePugKids for their nightly constitutional and brought them back in. We tap danced in my dining room for a bit and I could feel the tension getting tighter, the sexual tension. I wasn’t sure if I should just go lay one on him or what, when he did this swoop thing towards me that looked like he was going to kiss me but didn’t. I walked him down the stairs, as I had to lock up the front door, when he leans in like he’s going to kiss me. I step back and look at him, “Are you going to kiss me this time or are you going to do that swoop thing like you did before?” I eyed him suspiciously. He laughed and said no, he was really going to kiss me this time and we conked our heads as we went the same way. Giggled and went in for the kill.
Before I know it, I’m pinned up against the wall, hands above my head with his leg driven up to my crotch. It went from all friendly polite gentlemanly behaviour to BOOM. You could cut the sexual tension with a Ginsu and it would become dull. We’re throwing each other around my foyer like rag dolls and I’m surprised (literally) and didn’t come and see if I was okay we were THAT loud.
Hand, lips, bites, scratches. It was war and we both wanted to win and lose. I snaked my hand up underneath his tshirt and raked my nails down his back. He arched, moaned and said “I didn’t know I’d like that.” At one point, he was trembling, and I kept remembering saying to him was “Sam, sam, it’s okay, it’s okay.” For awhile we stood wrapped in each others arms in the foyer. I had ripped off his button down (good thing it was snap buttons) and his jacket and backpack were scattered on the floor. We were wrapped in each others arms with my head buried on his chest. He mumbled in my ear, “It feels to good to have you in my arms.” I smiled to myself and told him the only thing I wanted was to lay next to him, cuddled, in bed. No sex. He agreed he wanted that too. We tear back up the stairs and once we hit my dining room, bam, I was thrown up against the wall and we were all over each other again.
I stopped at some point and said, I can’t do this. He kept promising to be a gentlemen and I kept telling him, It’s not you, it’s ME! I can’t have a guy in my bed, whom I like and find myself sexually attracted to and NOT WANT TO RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF AND BAT HIM AROUND MY BEDROOM LIKE A RAGDOLL. Ahem. So there was that. He told me he wanted to see me again, and soon as possible.
Then I made the typical fatal mistake:
“Sam, what’s next.”
He kept going over and over about how much he liked me, and he thought i was incredibly groovy and how much he wanted to see me again. Because he works second shift, weekends were the only option. And he promised he’d see me next weekend for Festival.
But he got the deer caught in the headlights look. Things were getting really intense between us really quickly. Not just sexually (who knew?) but intellectually and mentally as well. While I was “into the moment” when we were all over each other, I kept conscious of how far I was “willing” to go. Like some level of me wanted nothing more then to unzip his pants, with the outside door wide open, and blow him until the sun came up. I wanted to just shed skin and crawl inside him. But we remained clothed.

It’s the End of the World as we know it…

I am tired as fuck.
My international biz class “work” comprised of 6 weekly assignments, a country paper, research paper and our debate, plus the exam which was take home. She wanted electronic copies of all of our work so I had burned her a cd with everything divided into neat little folders marking which each was. My presentation sucked last night but that had more to do with being tired than with not being prepared. The only ONLY thing I have left is my final which I started but never finished and it’s eight questions most of which the answers are in the book. A couple of people were not prepared to hand in their final papers last night (again, I was like the only one) and something that amused me was that the ditzy chick (also named lisa) who had been my partner ripped off most of my work for her presentation. Myself and one other girl were the only ones who had actual “hand outs” for our presentation so I knew I was going to do well in the grade department. Heh.
Came home last night, immediately changed into jammies and fell asleep on the couch watching BlackAdder II. Rowan Atkinson is so hot 🙂 Heh. I can’t wait for Johnny English to come out.
Woke up, climbed into bed and didn’t realise until I was snuggled in that I had NOT wrapped my tattoo and or put tattoo goo on it so now my arm is stiff with dryness. I’m not terribly worried about ink rejecting due to the dryness as I’m going in a month to have her finish the work and she’ll do touch ups then and I always heal really well even if I’m not up to par with the after-care as I should be.
Woke up at noon (so slept about 12 hours) and felt something crunchy under my legs. “My god!” i thought to myself, “I need to shave my legs, badly!” [I tend to shave everyday but have been slacking to cut time recently.] TUrned out to be dog food (??!?!?!) in my bed. Um, okay, not sure how to explain that one other than the dogs dragging it in bed with me since i was out like a light for 12 hours. Which is, amusing.
Today I’m heading out to get my hair done and then off to go pick up the tshirts for the family reunion for sunday. Have to buy an outfit for dinner tomorrow night dinner with mom and jeff and then it’s off to grab a portable cage for the dogs and then on to come home to finish the exam.
i’m telling you the fun never ends!

about last night…

Inspiration on how the paper should have been written came to me as I. was. driving. to. class. buh. hah.
Matt showed up at 3pm on the dot, we covered exam material (again) and I typed up his paper (at five bucks a page man!) I edited the shit out of his paper because he repeated himself with quotes galore, more than he needed need to. When I mean quotes I mean like a full TYPED page for a quote. Thanks to kethryvis, I learned the beauty of spacing, margins, fonts and leading. She is da bomb shiz.
Matt and I had planned on getting to AQ at about 5pm, hah! We left at 6pm and got to school with ten minutes to spare before exams.
I ROCKED that exam! I’m emailing Nazi prof on Monday to find out my exam grade. Wooo. The final essay question was in the form of a theological quote which essentially said what is deeper: the depth of spirit or the depth of god. I said depth of god. Re-reading what I wrote over before I turned it in, I sounded like I was xtian 😮 heh. Oh well.
I met the gang on the front stoop at school and we headed over to Bombay Cusine for fud. mmmmm. Got mine spicey level of 9 out of 10 and the chefs went to town. Had to add a little yogurt sauce there, you know, I am a white girl after all. Will go with an 8 next time. Though I have left overs in the fridge. mmmm.
Sucked down a few black and tans and Paul and I were the only ones who wanted to go to Mulligans for after dinner drinks and pool, everyone else was “i’m tired.” etc. His wife I wanted to beat with a platform flipflop. She got all preachy about how I was an atheist (which is NOT true) and she is one of those people who get penny pinching about dinner bills. I kept stealing glances at Matt during dinner because I don’t get it! She was so fundie and everything Paul liked, she didn’t. And the whole penny pinching at the dinner table really irked me well. I had thrown in the 40 bucks matt gave me for typing his paper to pay for my share. I had no idea what my share was but then Amy brought out a checkboo! Ugh, it was terrible.
As we walked outside, Matt stole up to me and said if we were going to ask Paul out again, and I doubt that we will. The wifey made it clear that she is not having him have female friends. Very clear. Ugh, whatever sister. Amy wanted me to call her for drinks (so what, that you can bring your checkbook??) and Matt and I are already going out this week.
Then I nearly got into a car crash as some hippie fucker pulled out in front of me, running a red light. Cheeky monkey. Came home, played Animal Crossing for a few hours, to unwind and now it’s back to the grind as I finish my week o’hell out.
I was in bed by midnight, which is RARE!

Lily and Wednesday, circa 2003.
Lily and Wednesday, circa 2003.

welcome to my world (part duex)

Well, there is a lot to catch up on, namely, the drive here, being back in GR for the last two weeks and all the things in between. I haven’t been real motivated to keep writing, and I don’t know really why.
Right now the world is in a flux as the movers are nearly a week late bringing up my stuff (thought I’ve been spending money like crazy buying things for the apt), my exfiance Danny has decided I’m his Tuesday night fill in (and he hasn’t yet told his roommate/exgf I’m back in town which means I cannot call his place and I can only seem him xxx times/day/whatever). He’s also been hinting about us sleeping together – again and the problem is I don’t know where I stand on that. I know I made the vow of celibacy for a year but I’m making him jump through hoops regardless but I don’t really feel attracted to him anymore. Tonight he said something and I responded in kind about the jumping in hoops and he said “why do i have to?” I said “because it’s different now. I’m not easy lay to get into bed anymore.” And that part is at least true. Not only will one have to provide medical history but one should not expect that based on past experiences that I will simply lay down and open thine legs. I know I have to let him go, I just can’t do it yet.
I feel about as sexual as a turnip right now (oh baldrick!) and the jeans I bought last week are already too fucking baggy (I’m thinking it was a misprint in sizing, same size other pair of jeans are still tight from recent weight gain).
At any rate, things have been very surreal.
But, Pugsley is at a new home, staying with a local friend who has a pug-mix and wanted company for the dog. The girls are dirivng me bat shit with their codependncy, lilly is scratching herself to death thanks to no humidifier and the bowl of water trick is not working too swiftly. My main pc is doing its own little thing and i can’t do squat until my shit gets here. WHich REALLY sucks is that tomorrow (Wednesday) i am going to the college for a campus tour and classes start Monday and my shit is to arrive THIS WEEKEND.
oh boohoo.
confidential to D in VA: Awesome about the peppers! Are they still in the PPG cup i put them in? I figured scuba would not last long with the peppers 😉 I mean. the man has no domestication to him — have you heard about the colors of his new house? 🙂 hehe. I was surprised they had grown one pepper at all — but I’m glad you are taking care of them 🙂


Seven months from today I’ll be 30.
Last night Paul and I watched some tivo’d episodes of “AB Fab” and the one episode where Paul felt would be reflective of me is when Edina turns 40. He says her attitude is very reminiscent of what I’ll be like when I turn 30, or maybe when I do turn 40.
Rob and I had met for lunch yesterday at a Mexican place close to the vet, which timed out very well since I had go pick up Pugsley yesterday afternoon. I love our vet, even if they are nearly 1/2 hour away, they are open on the weekend for neuters. Pugsley returned home minus his balls and five teeth, and I returned home stuffed on Mexican food.
The talk turned to NaNoWriMo and my writing of the novel. Rob got very serious about literary criticism which wholly made me doubt what I had written. So last night for a few hours I went over what I had written and denounced it as such crap, I plan on re-writing it. I had this lovely idea in my head on what I wanted only to discover that I couldn’t finish it at the current state it was going through.
Last night in bed I half-awake mused that if I rewrote the first three chapters and pounded out 5k a words a night, I could finish the novel in 10 days, leaving me nine days of freedom.
Don’t think I won’t do this.

getting started

the month of April has whizzed by pretty quickly and for it weren’t the fact that, well i just lost my train of thought, so there is no fact.
Sam and her husband Brendan came down twice this month, sending Sam and I into the flurry of shopping at Ikea, HomeDepot, and shopping for clothes.
Sam and I are nearly the same height (she’s 5’11 and I’m a smidgen taller) and our bodies are shaped very similar. We discovered that we wore nearly the same size and so i gave Sam a pair of jeans that were small on me but fit me fine. I took her shopping and let her enjoy the wonderment of finding clothes that FIT. We stormed HomeDepot at midnight picking up a level, anchors and an electric screwdriver to hang up cd-racks, shelves and anything else we could get our hands on from our nearly thrice spending sprees at Ikea. And thanks to Sam’s great sense of level and physics, my apartment now rocks.
Our first time setting up the cd-racks and picture frames (that she, of course, hand painted out of sheer boredom and discovered that she loved doing it) were off by quite a few inches. We *thought* it looked level, but her husband came in and looked at the wall and started laughing his ass off (as well as paul) because of the crookedness of the racks and frames. We are now the tool-time girls of Northern Virginia.
I love having Sam and Brendan down here as since they are a couple (and Brendan used to live with Paul many moons ago) and we all get along (there were days way back when when we all did’ not get along.) so well. But I know the drive down here is hard for them (300 miles one way but yet it always turns out to be an all day even for them as something always comes up — you know like Easter weekend traffic!) and I’m attempting to reciprocate by going back up there but scheduling time when we all have time seems to be a conflict. That and we are all lazy 🙂 I would love to go on a vacation with them somewhere new where we can call chill out for a week or so. *hinthinthint*
Rob’s roommate, S., and I got to talking a while back and decided to join weight watchers together (she prefer to be anonymous at this point) and start working out. I’m starting on a journal to get motivated on this. The whole schism of WW is that it’s a point system and you have x amount of points available to everyday. You can bank points and you can exercise points off — but the goal is that it helps people to lose weight and do a new way of thinking. I’m finishing up week 1 and so far (surprise surprise) and I’ve done fairly well for myself. Stayed within my point range and even worked out. The journal will keep a somewhat updated blabbering (I’m using blogger for this one) of the diet, weekly weigh-ins and what not. I’m really really really wanting this as I had promised myself to be thin by the time I turned 30 (which is in a little over a year) and be in shape for the rest of my life before I end up getting diabetes or anything else that runs through my family due to obesity. Yes, I am considered obese — I’m 100lbs over my “target” weight (and that’s at the high end scale). I’m shooting for a goal of 170-180 as being my “goal” weight but I need to take it 10 percent at a time and then work on it from there. I just got overly excited when browsing some online shops like and as they now carry larger sizes (up to a 20) but by their standards, I’m too big for a 20. which is funny because I can fit into a size 20 at lane Bryant but as S. pointed out, Lane Bryant also sizes up 1/2 size for clothes.
I hated being that inbetween weight a few years back where I had been too big for normal clothes and too small for Lane Bryant. Now the desire to feel and look sexy is far outweighing the eating and the simple ability to want to wear freaking JEANS comfortably is motivating me to do this.
The irony is that S. reminds me a lot of my friend Sherry from back home in Michigan — down to their attitude about certain things. I’ve tried looking Sherry up online and called her last known phone number, but it had been disconnected. She knows how to find me if she really wanted to — but not seeing someone for nearly two years can change a lot about a person.
As the month slowly comes to a close, I’m rushing around getting things together for my brothers 22nd birthday, Paul’s 21st birthday and my upcoming birthday in June (I’ll be 29 going on 22 — again). My father has been in my thoughts more so in these last few weeks as he’s been dead a year on 4/25 and that was with his death my whole anxiety had come unleashed out into the open. Last summer was major hell and I sure as fuck do not plan on going through that same hell again this summer.
Working towards improving something, even yourself, is such hard work. I could see where I slip as I watched paul eat Oreo’s tonight (I had two — which used up quite a few points and opted not to have anymore this evening) and thinking about the strange dreams I’ve been having and wondering what they mean, the smell of the fresh cut grass and feeling the sun burn against my arm as my legs stick to the leather of my car seats. Everything seems to be winding down nicely and everything seems calm for the moment.
Now only if I can get Wednesday (the spayed female pug) to stop mounting and attempting to fuck Lily (the unspayed female pug), my world would be a better place.