issues, matters and concerns

Bryan is/was having issues with his server -again-. So for most part of the weekend, it has been down (meaning low hits for me, boohoo). Anyway, since Shelly is still in town, please peruse the back issues:
An Ode to My Brother
I love my brother.
And since he has complained that there wasn’t enough pictures of him on the webpage, I have complied with his request. Enjoy 🙂

Jeff circa 1985.
Jeff circa 1985.

Jeff circa 1986.
Jeff circa 1986.

Jeff circa 1987

Jeff circa 1987

Jeff and I, circa 1987.
Jeff and I, circa 1987.

Jeff circa 1988.
Jeff circa 1988.

Jeff circa 1988.
Jeff circa 1988.

Jeff circa 1991
Jeff circa 1991

Jeff circa 1991.
Jeff circa 1991.

Jeff circa 1991.
Jeff circa 1991.

Jeff and Josh, circa 1991.
Jeff and Josh, circa 1991.

Lisa and Jeff, 1995
Lisa and Jeff, 1995

Jeff, 1997

Jeff, 1998
Jeff, 1998

Jeff, 1998
Jeff, 1998

and now for something you’ll really enjoy

procrastination is thine own enemy.
or something.
However, since my well laid plans didn’t get executed, here are links to the archives of the lisa chronicles:
as many of you have already guessed, i didn’t get the new chronicles updated and designed on time as i had liked. work and the fact that shelly is arriving today from Virginia has prevented me from doing so. however, never fear! i know that many of those that are loyal readers have been checking the site everyday and my guilt factor has gone through the roof. mainly because i knew that i am taking much too long to get a chronicle up/redesign the site within an appropriate time. so in lieu of that, i’ve decided that till the new design is up and functioning, i’m still going to update the chronicles as often as i did before. just not aesthetically pleasing as i had hoped. so please bear with me.
thoughts laid bare
it had come to my attention a few days ago, that someone who once mocked me and my style is now emulating it.
when i found out i was pissed, royally pissed to the point that i was seething. those in the know think i was being a tad obsessive about the whole thing (me? obsessive? muhahaha) and it had nothing pertaining to me (the website). i told my friends they were smoking a bit of crack and they needed to get a new dealer. they thought i was reading too much into it.
and maybe to an extent they were right. BUT! (the all important but here) i’ve been mocked and ridiculed for my “work” or whatever the hell this is for a long time and by the same people. So when I go to their website and see they are planning on doing what they MOCKED ME FOR, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be pissed either or at least a bit angry.
Another aspect of all this is that they have also started preaching stuff on their website that have been some of my philosophies (again mocked and criticized) that I subscribe to.
So you are saying to yourself “lisa, get over it!” and perhaps you’re true. But I hate hypocrites. I hate the aspect that someone suddenly “found themselves” and then they start preaching the belief systems I preach and calling it their own ideas.
it’s annoying and it makes me sick.
this isn’t just about doing an on-line journal (hell everyone and their brother does that) but it’s the style, the concept and taking bits and pieces of who i am and turning it into their own production.
i am happy, in a way, because now i’ve become even more disillusioned about them. it makes me feel like they finally admitted i was right (which, we all know, i am 😉 and just don’t have the balls to tell me.
i hate the concept of “finding oneself” or whatever new-agey term you want to use. It’s like a cop out. you always knew who you were, you were just masquerading behind the prospect of it because you were too much of a coward to admit it, even to yourself. and i also hate liars with such a passion it even shocks me sometimes.
I’ve heard time and time again “lisa only believes what she wants to believe” and i used to cringe when someone said that, but! (another important but here) if what i say you think is bunk and then end up prescribing to the idea and then calling it your own? HELLO here! Don’t use your intimidation of me as your weapon and don’t use my words against me in an argument. and importantly, don’t tell me i’m on crack when we both know what i say is TRUE and that time and time again I have been proven to be right. don’t use your fear of yourself as the weapon to sting me with mind fucks. it just ain’t happening homey.
i’ve learned, through time, my perceptions of people are about 98% accurate AND that chances are, if i call you on something, you are doing what i say you’re doing.
damn, i’m being cryptic here or what?
that’s quite all right. it’s my damn webpage and i can do what the hell i want to do with it, including and not limited to:

  • putting up pictures of my piercings
  • my writings which are mostly not understood
  • critiques of the world at large
  • bitching about anything and everything because i have the right to.I know, from experience, that people don’t like it when others tend to be dead on about them. i also know that my perspective of things tend to be a skewed than the world at large. i also know that my ego is the size of Nebraska. i also know that many people are intimidated by the “whole package” (as it were) because my tendency to be -in your face-.

some people just can’t handle being told “like it is”. I don’t have time for this namby-pamby-third-grade-pigtail-pulling.
Get the fuck out of my way and let me rule the world as I have planned!!!!and no mack, this isn’t about you 😉
I’m frightening you aren’t i?
Sometimes I frighten myself.
But that’s quite all right. I’m quite used to this.
So, moving right along, Shelly is staying with me till December 1st. I don’t know what the options are for me to upload/redesign this page. Since Justin and I have our little network going now but still no modem sharing (as it were, no dedicated connections of any type are available in my area), we are still tag teaming getting on-line. I might pacify Shelly to getting on-line while I do my website or something. I had planned on redoing her page while she was here, so perhaps we can do that.
So don’t expect me to have another chronicle up for about a week. I made good on my promise to myself to purchase a journal and write down my thoughts and feelings that I wouldn’t have the balls (yet) to put on here. If some of the stuff is any good, i’m sure I’ll put it here.
So in other words, don’t expect an update for about a week. 😉
Have a happy holidays!
If you are really bored, check out It’s pretty obvious what this is. I won’t tell you what ones refer to me nor which ones I put on there 😉 Enjoy!


Recently I’ve been thinking ’bout redoing da chronicles.
But since I haven’t had any new idea’s come up to me, I’ve delegated myself to just keep updating what was existing now and leave it as it is.
however, for some strange quirk, I went to other web sites tonight that were (gasp) similar to mine, but instead of feeling intimidated or depressed about better sites, I thought:
I can do better than this
And so I shall.
The Lisa Chronicles will be up in a bit. Hopefully new and improved. Enjoy.

Love, Lisa *sm00ch*

badda boom, badda bang

first off, i’m lame. i wrote a chronicle that never got published on it’s date. i’m just now sending it out to the list and putting it on the web. so please forgive me. i should be punished 😉
things that piss me off

  1. Novell and Oracle. Spent about a total of 15 hours attempting to fix ted’s machine at work within the last few weeks. See we run a front end for Oracle called Clarify (the -not- so clear solution). It is the database we use to track customers and the ilk. On 98% of the machines located in the office, I have been successful in getting the software installed and functioning. On ted’s machine, it’s been a fucking nightmare. The freak has novell, nt networking products plus he has used other ODBC drivers for other software (Platypus, FlyCast, god knows what else). I’ve been all over the web and Oracle’s support site looking for the answer. So Scott and I call their support and spend another 45 minutes on the phone, ONLY TO LEARN that it’s a damn Novell issue. See, my understanding (correct me if i’m wrong) from what the support guy told us was that novell overrides anything in autoexec.bat. so even though I have all the SET PATH’s set correctly and all the bells and whistles installed, it won’t work because if you go into dos and do “path” nothing but Novell crap comes up. It’s a security issue. or some such. The hilarity of the whole situation is that when the machine logs into Novell it says “Welcome to the AI network, oh brilliant one”. *guffaw* Needless to say, with it’s been a joy attempting to fix this piece of shit. His machine is so fux0red that it won’t load windows and gives me the lovely “can’t find” upon booting. I told dave this, and he said “what does this have to do with a webpage?” I said “huh?” oh! no no no oh gorgeous one, is the front end gui (or something). he says oh. dave is great. he’s an unix admin who admits to know nothing about winders. Dave is leaving us for better things. *sob* We won’t have any more cute boys to look at anymore. *sob* Dave does rock though. I’m thinking about signing up to go skiing/snow boarding with him in January. Check out his webpage for more deals.
  2. Stupid people. I have three case studies for this:
    1. Walked into work on the morning of 11.18.98 and found a post-it on my monitor that said “Paige’s machine is fucked!” Walked over to said user’s machine and took a look at it. Nothing out of the ordinary. Machine booted, logged into the network, and I could route, see the network etc. Shrugged my shoulders and left. Turned out she had unplugged the power cable from the computer with her foot. Um, yeah.
    2. Customer brings his machine in yesterday to have fixed. It’s running winders 95 and it’s booting slow as hell. Check to see it’s a 486/25 with a 100MB hard drive. Took FIVE minutes to boot past the splash screen. Spoke with the guy last night, turns out he had bought it at an auction for $275 bucks. Um, yeah.
    3. One of the tech geniuses at work came to me and said that they can’t dial out on the testbed machine. I quiz him and he claims he has done everything I’ve asked. We have a machine that is set up to dial with the following: ISDN, x2/v.90, Flex/v.90. With no switch box and two comports, I emailed the geniuses and told them that they would have to unplug the cable from the isdn modem back into the back of the x2 modem. Then they would unplug the phone line from the flex modem and plug it into the back of the x2 modem. takes about 15 seconds to accomplish. He didn’t do that. I snarled and fixed it. he doesn’t like me anymore *guffaw*.
  3. Winders 3.x: i started thinking about hooking up the one/only winders 3.x machine to dial-out to test calls. so i start fucking with the irq’s/com ports and start moving crap around. it doesn’t work. USR’s website has no articles on it neither does M$. geesh. fucker is hooked up to the right com port but won’t recognize the modem. tried four modems and nothing works. tried settings here and there. terminal doesn’t recognize it. i hate my job.
  4. Toast/DAVE (not to be confused with macintosh products that allow you to burn cd’s and get on the lan. spent better part of my day attempting to get it working so that i could burn cds. i had to ask pifke to allocate me space on the nt server (even though i have admin rights, i am not anywhere near the actual machine) for Oracle so that twinkletoes could install clarify/oracle at home. got it to the point where it will write the cd but now gives me hardware errors. no/little documentation and mac’s just fucking suck!

in the mood
i’ve been spending an amazing amount of time just aimlessly surfing the web. i’m incredibly bored.
i’ve been thinking about the stuff i want to write and stuff i’m missing so….
I’ve got the itch to re-do the site again. i’m frightened. 😉
the other day, one of the new sys admins said that he couldn’t see lemming (our nt domain). i told him to lean out of his cube, look behind him and he’ll see lemming. *guffaw* when i diligently got up and walked over to him and putzed around with his machine. he’s running nt workstation and i figured it would be a lmhosts issue. it was.
but what he said was that i would make great MIS managerial material. i kinda snickered and started thinking about it.
since i’ve been the position of “IS” since august officially, i’ve started getting cold sales calls on having people sell me everything from admins to dsl (I asked the guy if he knew who he was calling.. he said ‘no’. i told him he called an isp and that we sell xDSL. fucking moron). plus some companies have been shipping me shit like t-shirts and notepads to be swayed by their services.
but what i have also noticed is my attitude. i always used to say (about unix admins) that people who think their god, aren’t. there is no way in god’s green earth that they know everything about everything. and it’s true, but i do know that some admins tend to “humble” themselves for the little people and that some admins actually do know everything about everything.
but as of late, i’ve started becoming ‘god’ in terms that the people i work with are now starting to ‘ph33r’ me. i’m not kidding. i was told recently by someone i work with is that people hate coming up to me because a. i’ll grill them to see if they followed different procedures b. will be an ass towards them if i found out they haven’t.
this is a two-sided coin. Because a: i figure, i write a lot of white papers on how to do crap, and i present the information the departments once or twice, they should have the brains to figure out how to do it from there on in. why should i have to explain myself over and over again if the information is documented and within easy reach? I shouldn’t. They should use their brain cells to figure it out for themselves. It’s all there. But they won’t. And I have always loathed stupidity or the lack of trying.
it’s always been this way. I was fired from one job because i was “too aggressive” and “too independent” in getting my work done. I knew how to figure out how to fix shit and if i couldn’t figure it out, i knew how to research. IT IS NOT THAT HARD!
But obviously it is. I’ve started to have almost contempt for people who aren’t at my skill set/intelligence level. And I don’t want to have to help it! I will not dumb myself down because some moron can’t figure out how to go to and look up the answers themselves! I just can’t!!
The irony of all this is that I’m good at what I do. I have the brains to get the job done. My skill level and knowledge of computers has tripled since I’ve started doing this full time. And i know, if I got a degree somewhere I could actually make 2-3x the money I’m making now and actually have a great life.
but this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life. i don’t want to spend my days teaching stupid people how to map a fucking printer. i need a challenge. anything will do.
I’m just so happy i’m going back to college in January. yeah! If i never have to work on computers again for the rest of my life, i will be happy! 😉

i am the hunter

Took a somewhat less brief look today, then remembered why I wasn’t reading it. Nothing personal, I just don’t like writing that’s intensely inwardly focused. Too easy to get caught up in.- Bryan Fullerton about da’ chronicles

I’ve got insomnia and I’ve got a lot to cover today, so please bear with me.
First, I changed the title bar again. naming my page “Spanking da’ Monkey” seemed lame after I uploaded it. I finally found something to match my personality then it seeming like i’m masturbating every other second. 😉
11 people are subscribed to da’ chronicles. if you are reading this on a daily basis, while I love the hits, having it delivered to your email box might be a better solution as bryan is always upgrading his server and I have no control whether or not the server is going to be up. But, the downfall is any internal links will not be available to you if you get it emailed. Why am I mentioning this? Damnit, because I want my cake and eat it too!
If your looking for a good place to find used/rare CDs, please check out: Greg found the cd I had been lusting for there and I found copies of other crap that I had been wanting for awhile as well. Big selection and nice prices. And I think I’m regretting the fact I just paid a fat chunk to my credit card.
Fact of the day:
At any given time, only 30% of the Web is indexed in any given search engine. Wow. Just think of all the pr0n your missing out on.
Two things lisa did that defy explanation:
1. I sorted out my bookmarks finally. I will be egotistical enough to let you view them. We are talking about four years worth of bookmarks here. I can’t guarantee that they all work nor have they been properly subjected to my anal retentiveness in cleaning them out thoroughly, however, they are in some semblance of order.
I would also note that many of the hot spots I hang at aren’t here. Mainly, I have this weird type of memory that I can remember URL’s more so than peoples name/faces, phone numbers and the like. Plus many personal sites are characterized on the players page.
2. I cleaned out my inbox. You may think this isn’t that huge of a deal, however, I used to have anywhere from 60-100 emails sitting there at any given time (not including what I had filtered to mailing lists in their own boxes). now, i’m down to 16!! woohoo!! I can finally see all personal email without having to fucking scroll 🙂 this rocks my socks.
it’s approximately 1:30am and I am numb.
Not really, I just have freaking insomnia.
So where we left last night, I had uploaded and updated everything and gone to bed. I walked into the bedroom to see Justin lying on the bed with his mouth open and snoring. The only thing that redeemed him was the fact that he was snuggling a pillow. I took off my robe and kicked off my slippers and climbed naked into bed. I started grinding against him hard and petting him, hoping that he would respond to wanting to make love.
he did, but not quite in the fashion you were thinking.
We’ve noticed (he and I) that I tend to get more aroused when he’s half dead to the world then when he’s conscious. If he’s (If you currently own the soundtrack to The X-Files Movie (released this past summer) go to track 14 and fast forward the time to 10:12) conscious and wanting to have sex during “daylight” hours, I tend to be more self-involved or shying away from that. It’s strange how our cycles tend to change over time.

under construction

i apologize if you have been attempting to access this page within the last few days and unable to do so.
bryan, the head cheese who owns this server, has been upgrading the kernel and what not. i completely forgot he was doing so and emailed him a letter bitching. aww well.
things should be back to normal by now. i think.
check out bryan’s page. when he’s not being an obnoxious idiot grin, he is kinda handsome don’tcha think.
bryan and i were an item a few years back. i was in my “need to be controlling because my life is careening out of control” stage and he was in his “slowly getting over being burned by a psycho path” stage. it probably would have lasted if both of us didn’t freak out at our brains always thinking so much.
bryan and I don’t chit-chat much, but last i heard he was going to a shrink to stop analyzing his life so damn much.
i remember the first time had met bryan, back in ’96. I was finished with classes for the summer and was working full time at a video store. i decided i was going to take a week off and careen around Michigan and Ontario. i drove from grand rapids to port huron and then took off to detroit to see my friend patrick. patrick, unix systems guru that he is, was currently in between jobs, so at 1am, he and i took off from Toronto.
gads, we had so much fun. we drove in the middle of the night talking and smoking all the way. it was so poetic. as we drove up the Michigan coastline, we stopped at his fathers grave and at my grandmothers grave before heading across the bridge to Toronto.
wired, laden down with smoke and fueled by diet coke, we drove to bryan’s house in central Toronto.
when i first saw bryan, i thought “damn, what a hunka hunka burning love.” turned out he liked me too. god it was hard. patrick had a crush on me and so did bryan. i didn’t know what the hell to do. patrick was getting over patty his gf and i didn’t think he and i would even be remotely good together and bryan i barely knew.
but the point is, those days were fucking fun as hell. not knowing what i would be doing or where i was going. driving to toronto at a moments notice. calling bryan on the phone because i forgot something. laughing with patrick in the car on the way back. teasing both of them.
friday night, i got an icq message from my friend adam. adam and i go way back for a few years, when i started listening to his radio show on wyce. wyce is a public radio station and everyone there volunteers their time for the programming->disk jockying->whatever needs to be done. adam and sloth have a show every friday night from 12am-6am, which a better part of it was called the razor blade hour. i would stumble in at around 2am drunk as a skunk and sit up with adam for the better part of the night talking and giggling on air.
so adam icq’s me, and I haven’t heard from him in a long time. he tells me he’s doing another rendition of the razor blade hour and that it’s in memory of me. i have nothing else better to do on a friday night but get movies and order pizza, so i pop open real audio and listen for a bit to see if/when adam is on. adam starts yacking and i call the station. adam answers and he sounds happy to hear from me and i tell him i’m coming home for Christmas from December 24th – 30th. We make plans, I icq him my mom’s number and i get off the phone. when adam gets back on the air, he dedicates a song i picked (Everybody Knows by Leonard Cohen) to Miss Lisa, his number one groupie, in San Francisco.
And when I hear that, I realize how badly I miss home.
Things have changed since I’ve left, and I realize that. And I know I’ve changed a lot since then as well.
Within the last week, I received an email from my friend Dan in Texas. Now Dan rocks my world (Dan’s comments are either the single > or the non > spaces). See I did his website for him and helped him when things were getting tough between his ex-partner Chris. I told Danny that I would never charge him for what I did nor would I expect payment. But this past Friday, he sent me a check (which I feel is way too much) and he wouldn’t take it back. So Danny, I haven’t emailed you this yet, but, if you feel you need to make a donation to me cos I did your pages, please give it to a charity in my name. :)) Thanks!
So I read the letter and I almost start to cry.
Dan’s right in a way: I have a lot of things NOW that i didn’t have then. namely: brand new spankin’ 98 black Saturn, a job i’ve been with for almost a year, a place where my name is on the lease, and justin.
and maybe to some people, they would say “hey, that’s a lot! you’re doing pretty good” (especially if i can flash my IS title around), but to me, it’s settling. and it hurts.
there is a distance i have wondered
(reaching out, reaching in. holding out, holding in)
fuck, another sarah induced depression.
You know, for nearly a year, I have fretted, stressed and worried that everything that has gone wrong with my life resolved around the fact that it was because of  jeff.
And the startling realization I made was that it wasn’t about the fucker at all but about me!! I don’t miss what we had, I miss the person I was! I miss that sparky personality i used to have. where i didn’t care and where i lived life as fully as i knew how. it may not have been the best way or the right way, but it was my way.
i’m being slight unfair because i can’t blame him, but i can blame things have changed significantly in me since i’ve moved to California, and the person I was and the person i’ve become don’t mesh. and when someone takes your heart and smashes it to a trillion pieces and then tells you to get over it, you get fucking angry. and i learned, somewhere along the line, it wasn’t okay to get angry. holding in all this crap for nearly a year.
(but um, lisa, your constantly analyzing the situation)
True. But read what I say and read that goddamn email. Can you NOT detect the difference between how I speak here and in that stupid fucking letter?
(insert about an hour later)
So i’ve spent some time reading my old letters i’ve written to people in the last few years. And i cried and I smiled and I laughed out loud when I read this:
“And food for thought, king bee, I would have never have emailed you unless you provoked it. If you want no comment from me, then you should have done, what I warned you to do oh so long ago, stay the fuck away. 🙂 Have a nice day!” (This little tidbit came from one of the most articulate emails i feel i’ve written in eons.)
“King Bee.” That just slays me. I started laughing so hard, I couldn’t sniffle from my damn cold.
And suddenly, I feel okay again. Sure, I was getting depressed reading all those old emails, and I miss the old Lisa, but I realized that with that much passion and fire, she was never really gone. She was just hibernating somewhere.
And my arguments with Justin early this evening seemed benign and trite. I went from a complete 180 degree course from wanting to break up with him to wanting to hold him tight and loving him forever.
And I think I will go do that.


first off, props out to my friend greg. A few weeks ago, I had made a plea on both da chronicles and through several list serves in finding the cd by Everlast called Forever Everlasting.
I had searched the web for ages looking for it. Some of the major players such as amazonborders did not carry it. Everlasts first record company, Warner Brothers didn’t have it listed. It seemed hopeless.
The cd is pre-House of Pain days. He was originally found by Ice-T and his Syndicate Soldiers group. He’s a white boy that can rap 😉
I thought it was pretty hopeless. I emailed my brother in the hopes that he may have found it at some store back home in Michigan. He emailed me back saying he found something for $22 bucks. What that something was, he never said.
I had pretty much given up on getting the cd. I had first heard of it when I was about 18 and had just moved back from Toronto. Josh had introduced me to it and I fell in love with Everlast from then on.
Damn that man is fione!
But Greg found it and sent it to me. I was so overcome with joy, I’ve earned the nickname ghettogrrl from Darryl and Justin.
And speaking of friends, my girl Shelly is flying out here for Thanksgiving to visit me. I haven’t seen her in about 2 years.
It was so fucked because we were attempting to make plans for the last few months now, but, something always came up. With the holidays upon us and since I have school starting in January, it was either now or later. Thankfully it’s now. 🙂 She’s going to be in town for a week!
morning dew
it’s now 6am and i’ve been up for about an hour. Justin has started working at PBI officially and his schedule is now 6a-3pm. This cut into our time together in the morning when he, darryl and i would car pool to get everyone to work by 8am. With justin leaving slightly earlier, darryl and i have had to make arrangements to get to work.
this isn’t really a big deal. if we leave by 7am-ish, we can still get to work without taking the car pool lanes. darryl keeps pushing me to pick-up singular people who want to car pool, but, since i smoke it seems (to me) that someone is going to get snotty on my ass for doing so in my own car. I would rather leave earlier then worry about it anyway. the only thing is, with NOT car pooling, I can’t yell “SUCKERS!” as we zipped by the poor souls who were stuck in the gridlock on the bridge. Now i’m a part of those poor souls. :/
I love the early morning hours. I love how quiet it is, and how the world seems to be half asleep. There is no traffic when I take Justin to BART in the morning…
Sometime ago, I had received an email from someone asking me what my website had to do with spanking. Since this person was referring to my other domain,, I replied “Nothing. Why do you ask?”. The person emailed me back and just said something along the lines of “I was just curious.”
So it’s some time later, and I go and check to make sure links are working properly before i upload this page. I go to Shelly’s page and find that from the several hundred hits she’s gotten since I’ve put the page up in January of this year, she’s now up to almost 4000!!
On several of my pages, I’ve been using counters from an old provider I worked with. 😉 I know how to configure them without having an account there. I had made sure I made something esoteric so that no one else would be using it on their webpage. Since Shelly’s page has been hit so damn much, I check to make sure that someone isn’t using that counter somewhere else. No, it’s not.
So it dawns on me, that since in her title bar it says “Shelly C. Brown’s Very Own Spanking Web Page”, she’s being pulled up in search engines when someone does a search for “spanking”. The title can be read two ways: The way I wrote it and if you read it again, it makes it sound like the site is about spanking. Hahahahaha. That is just too goddamn funny!
Well it’s getting late and I have to go jump in the shower. I’m fueled by coffee and have to go brave the morning traffic to get to work. Tonight is Internet 101, which I teach at work.
Have a good day y’all. 😉
Read the title bar now in your browser. 😉

dropping eggs

When I was about 8 or 9, I was in a convenience store (too high falutin to say 7-11) with my mom, when I started feeling sudden sharp pains going across my belly. I bended over in pain and my mother, worried, gave me keys to her car so that i could go lie down
once we rushed home (and i was obviously feeling a bit better), I went right into the bathroom and pulled down my pants. Splattered on my panties and thighs was dark red blood stains. My mother, a nurse, said not to worry. It wasn’t that uncommon and helped clean me up. She gave me a maxi-pad and showed me how to take care of it myself.
My mother was pretty liberal in those days and when the bleeding didn’t stop after the first day, she defended me in school when the teacher assumed I had been lying as to why i had to go to the bathroom. The probability in 1980 that an 8 year old girl could have her period just didn’t jive with her. The old bat died from alcoholism sometime after that, so again proof that karma works.
Anyway, my own body has been growing significantly since I was 8 years old (and anyone who declares that childhood is a wonderful time is full of crap and needs to stop seeing new age therapists) and just as my friends bodies have also changed. We have grown hips (or not), grown breasts (or not) and gotten taller (or not) and our faces have matured. when i look at pictures of me at the ages of 8, 14, 17, 21 and now 26; i still see the same “face” but i’ve also seen how it’s grown.
however my body has grown in different ways. I’ve gained and lost close to a few hundred pounds since I was about 15. My hair has changed color so many times that even I can’t remember what it was originally. My bra size has grown from a 34b to a 36d. My period, however, has been the only constant thing since I was 8 years old.
It has always been fucked up, and this is why it’s been constant.
After that incident when I was 8, I never was regular again until I was 13. My body, mature enough to have children, started dropping eggs once a month like clockwork. Then I started getting bad cramps, thrown in with severe depression before my period, and then stopped getting my period for months at a time. I wasn’t sexual active and knew I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t under any real stress other than “normal”, yet for some reason I wasn’t having my period.
We went to the doctors and found out I had some version of juvenile edometriosis and further testing from the “doctor” showed I “may” not be able to have children in the future. He put me on birth control pills and left me be.
Over the years, I’ve been on birth control as if it were life saving medicine. Without taking the birth control, the cramping would start, the heavy bleeding would begin and I would sink into a pms-induced depression that made no rhyme or reason. And! If I even so much as skipped a week or two because of I had forgotten to…
Okay, it’s now 11.12.98. This is one of the lamest and most tooth pulling chronicle.
The point being:
I got my period. I haven’t gotten it in three months. Now I feel all squeaky clean.

i don’t need yours because i have one of my own

I don’t know if this was covered yet (you think you can swallow it), but sometime ago, my friend Jessica wrote me this email in regards to my website. She liked the idea of doing an on-line journal, but had some trepidations about doing it. Namely, do I censor myself and how do those closest to me feel about what i write?
the question is a good one, and thankfully i thought i had all the answers. justin supports me in everything that I do, primarily with my writing so what i have to say, really doesn’t bother him. but do i censor myself?
yes, i do.
in a way, i was disgusted with that answer. and with how i felt about everything else, that made sense as to why i would feel disgusted. people often see me as being this raw sort of person and i feel that i am. but i started to notice that when i would write da’ chronicles, that i was blocking things that i would never admit or revel to the public at large.
for what reason, i can’t be too sure. but some include that many people that i would probably bitch about and complain about DO read my pages and suddenly i’m taking their feelings into consideration. they would probably ask me “why can’t you talk to me about this to my face?” and i wouldn’t have a very good answer other than “i dunno.” and as i write this, i realize that i have covered this before. *shrug* i’m old at 26. shoot me. 😉
anyway, there is a lot of stuff i think about, that i have never even thought about including in da’ chronicles. my relationship with justin, how i really feel about him. people that i work with, play with and socialize with. my relationship with my parents. stuff that would be considered really personal and stuff i probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable sharing.
but today a productive day. i finally got my cd’s in order and pulled out the crappy ones i have never listened to (a rob-ism: if you don’t use it for 6 months you don’t need it). sonya took some of them home. i’m either going to pitch them to a few mailing lists i’m on or else just take them to a place that purchases used cd’s. and while i was making notes of additions and subtractions from the collection, i started using an old journal that i had.
i have this thing for buying notebooks (whether softbound or hardcover) that are blank pages so that i can jot something down in it daily. daily ruminations about crap that bothered me, but i knew in my heart that i was censoring myself even then. not as badly as i was here on the web, but i still wouldn’t admit even privately to myself what i really felt. how fucked up is that when you actually carry two journals: one for public and one for private showing?
to me, it’s extremely fucked up. fucked up enough to have me analyze it. well just kidding, but i think part of who i am is found is this simple analogy. i have a public and private side to me, both which are equal to each other. sometimes it may be more dark and other times it may be more complex and other times it’s fluffy like cotton candy.
i liked the idea of keeping a private journal.
the reasoning has to do more with getting rid of my depression than anything else. oh be sure i’ll still be as scintillating as ever, but perhaps keeping two journals i can reach down and write about stuff that really matters (to me) and really bothers me.
the bright side is that i won’t sit here and debate on whether or not i will be mentioning the fact i bought new nail polish called cherrywood.
(but you already did that lisa…)
it’s called allegory! or something. so kindly stop walking across my freshly washed kitchen floor!

that’s great it starts

smoke is going up my nose. ick.
da’ chronicles is evolving. i get a new idea every other week or so, so it’s original content is certainly blooming. personally, i don’t think it would have shaped into what it is now if i had sat down with a story board and done it all in one sitting. i keep adding and changing the site content. please lord, if you are up there, don’t make me get a brand new spanking idea about design. i simply couldn’t handle it.
last night, after updating da’ chronicles, i went on IRC. i was thoroughly bored, and justin was downloading some update on his computer. he was intent on watching tv, so i got on-line and configured irc on his machine.
one of the channels i always frequent, is #philosophers. i get on-line and see the usual parade of souls that frequent the channel. one of the usual cast of characters, Eroticide, is on the channel, except he’s masquarding under a different nick. he says “hello lisa rabey” as if he is being clever. i had checked my stats and noticed that he had been to my site. i ask him what he think, and he says something about how pompous and egotistical i am. i ask him why he thinks i’m being pompous and egotistical, and he says because i own a domain (well actually three domains, but i won’t needle it) and i “plaster my journals on the web”. i started laughing, and i tell him that it is illogical, because it is. i’ve been keeping an on-line journal since 1995 (or thereabouts), and that’s hardly egotistical and pompous. he goes off on some lame rant, and i just kind of keep laughing. he’s so lame. i tell him it’s no different then his self-styled prose that he kept on his website. i tell him to grow some balls. he says ‘okay’.
the irony is that later on, i was checking my stats again, and he had gone back to my site a few hours later.
fucking hypocrite.
i’m angry.
i’m so ticked off, that driving over to el cerrito this afternoon, i started grinding my teeth. hard.
I spoke to michael this afternoon, and he asks how i’m doing. i say ‘fine.’ and he says that it sounds like i’m down in the dumps again, and i say ‘yeah, i am. it’s never ending. every year from october to february, i’m thoroughly depressed.’ and he says ‘maybe you have seasonal depression.’ and i say ‘yeah, i was diagnosed that years ago.’ and he says ‘maybe you need some sunshine.’ and i say ‘why do you think i moved to california?’ and start laughing. and he starts laughing as well, and then we make plans to meet on wednesday, sans justin and karena.
right when i was typing up the above, justin called and asked me to come pick him up. i picked him up at bart and he saw how depressed i was looking. i asked him what he wanted to do tonight (if anything) and he started throwing off the usual (tennis being the first one). I shrug my shoulders and mention something about going to Lucky’s to pick up coffee and bagels for breakfast tomorrow. He asks if I want to go to the bookstore, and i swear, my eyes lit up. I was thinking earlier today when I was running errands of going to borders in Emeryville, and decided against it. I just came home and started working on da’ chronicles.
so justin and i go to borders, and it is his idea, so we are not having issues about it. i walk around happy with my mocha freeze, and justin says if there is anything i want, to pick it up. for the life of me, i can’t remember what it is that i want, and i start to panic. i know i want a mocha freeze, so i get that. but as for books, i can’t remember which ones i was thinking about getting. i know that i have about 50 books in a pile that i have attempted to start reading and never finished. plus justin and i have our list of books that we wanted to get from the 100 best list. We had looked at for the books and did notice they were noticeably cheaper.
so we are walking around, and i think i don’t want anything heavy, and he buys four sci-fi books to read, and i pick up some book. and we head off towards natural sciences and i pick up fermat’s enigma, which is about the solving of fermat’s theorem. basically the holy grail of the mathematics world. so i’m getting immersed with that, and we start walking around. justin is looking at computer books, and he asks me what MAC means in the PC terminology, and i say ‘i dunno.’ and he goes to explain it to me. and i say ‘oh yeah. each nic card has it’s own address that is independent of any other nic card.’ and justin kinda looks at me like ‘how did you know that?’ and i just shrug my shoulders and we sm00ch and keep looking around.
i walk past the humor section and see that Bill Gate’s Personal, Super-Secret, Private Laptop is on sale, and i think to myself that i gotta tell Traci about it because she loves anything anti-M$. and as we are walking towards the checkout, we head towards the periodical section and justin makes a bee-line towards computers and i head towards the chicky magazines. i flip through some of the somewhat decent ones and yawn. chicky mags are so damn boring. i start checking out the eclectical section, and i’m obsessed with the mag paper which is generated towards high falutin society folk in New York. and Justin makes fun of me, like he made fun of me getting a cell phone. fuck ’em and feed ’em fish heads.
the other night i was doing something. i don’t quite remember what it was, but it sparked me about being rich.
i mean really rich.
so i’ve decided, that being poor really sucks. that living hand to mouth is for losers, and that i’m going to be a millionaire by the time i’m 35. No more living in East Oakland baybee anymore. I will have homes in New York and oh, Paris. and be this great writer who writes scathing stories and I will have a Pulitzer by the time I’m 35 as well. Fuck this noise.