Category: The Lisa Chronicles

an idiot that i know (who, even though i have him banned on aol IM, icq and generally toss his emails — he’s *likes* the abuse) did email me about a clever site that ranks journals/blogs into proper order. so i put mine in and became a star! baby! yah!
it’s silly. i got the most hits and the lowest rating. hahaha.
that just cracks me the fuck up.
are you shrunk yet?
i actually got up on time.
this is a major shock to me, my dog and paul as i rolled out of bed at 7 to get ready to head to the shrinks office. i was nervous. i chain smoked and checked my bank account [ob: to prove how much of a procrastinator i am, i will get up at 8, sit in front of my computer till 8:30 checking email and my online bank account, jump in the shower at 8:30 and leave at 9. I have to be to work at 9. Apparently, my yo-yo of a bank balance is more important than work.], surfed for a few minutes. Left somewhat on time (i thought 7:45, i left at 8:05. Appointment was at 8:45].
I was scared.
I lied. I hate shrinks because I’m afraid I’m going to admit something i don’t want to admit. pauls the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and i don’t need some scholar to tear down this relationship because he is 8 years younger than me. i fidgeted in traffic. i called my mother and spoke to her for 20 minutes as i weaved my way around the beltway. i park and walk in the office and fill out paperwork and she brought me into her office at 9.
I broke down.
This was the consultation to determine if i needed counseling. I cried. I cried when talking about my mother, the passing of my father and my very fragmented life. I cried for the first time in a long time (okay, not that long time) but I cried because I finally felt the relief that I was going to be okay.
Dr. Buyse wasn’t that bad. In all honesty she was really nice and I could easily speak with her. My mouth did drop open when she asked me about Paul and I’s sex life (something I had not expected, though Paul and I had made light of it the night before). We spoke and touch on so many issues, it really was a wonder that I hadn’t pursued this before.
I didn’t feel like the big bad bitch anymore.
I felt so good after the session that I had immediately gone to starbucks and gotten my usual raspberry mocha frap and a few cookies since I had skipped breakfast. But I felt motivated for the first time in a long time. Motivated to get work done on issues and to finally start putting my life in place.
I knew though, from her comments, she regarded me as a pet project. Who wouldn’t with a cornucopia of crap bubbling inside of me (anxiety, depression, alcoholism, child abuse, suicide, divorced family, etc). I’m a freaking field day for any day doctor worth their salt. She calmed my fears about klonopin, the drug I’m on now. Turns out it’s the *least* addictive of the somethingoranothers family it’s part of. My taking .25mg a day (the period is not a typo) is like, for some people, having a cup of cawfee a day. it’s my crutch, and i know it, but it helps.
I’m frustrated by the utter lack of support and information about anxiety available on the web. I’m frustrated by how often it is misdiagnosed and how often (from reading) that anxiety brings out other problems. I’m frustrated by some of the doctors I’ve read about who have a carefree attitude about it.
it’s a disease. it makes my life hell and has been for the last 15 years (if you go back to when i had my first attack at 13). it’s misunderstood, misdiagnosed and mistreated. I do not have a heart problem, depression, thyroid problem or anything else. My name is lisa m. rabey and i have anxiety disorder.
 

ed note: i want to thank all of those who email me about their own anxiety problems. i greatly appreciate all the feedback I’ve been getting from people, however, please PLEASE do not email me with “what do i do” because i am not a physician and nor can i tell you if you have any sort of anxiety or not. Please seek medical help so that someone can diagnose you PROPERLY. if you email me with “how do i know if i have anxiety or not” your email will be deleted. thank you.
i had my first “recorded” anxiety attack when i was 13.
i say recorded because that is the first memory i had of an attack. the image is still so clear in my head, it’s disgusting. i remember walking down the hall towards a class and coming upon a group of girls who were in my grade. the popular ones. the ones everyone loved. the ones that were getting asked out by the boys to dances and had “dates.” i remember my heart pounding so hard that you could watch it through my shirt. after passing the girls, my heart rate slowed and i felt better. but i didn’t understand what was going on.
during the next several years, the anxiety attacks worsened or lessened depending on the context. the time i had stayed out all night with Alan and had come home at 8am in the morning to be chastised by my mother. the attack in NYC this spring when i was out with friends having a cigarette because my relationship with paul was so new that i was afraid of the consequences. the lead on attacks last October on my way to Virginia. They are like a college in my head because depending on the situations and the severity, I can only remember the ones that stand out but thinking back, while laying on my back, i can recall almost all the more important ones and how they lead into my life.
the last year of my life has provided enough stress to take on the world. clearly i can see how the breakdown began with my breaking up with Justin, the stress of living with people I did not like and could barely tolerate, to moving to Virginia, to finding out that friends are not really friends, to my father dying, the reuniting with my mother.
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i wrote the above at 4am this morning when i had first gotten up. or actually since I didn’t go to bed, just from laying there hearing paul snore. my sinuses were dripping and my face felt like someone was banging on it slowly due to the intense pressure. i got up and walked around and started writing.
I’m still angry for a lot of things. I’m angry at time and how fast things go by.
i made it my objective this morning to get up early, work out and get to work on time. which, considering i had 3 hours of sleep, never occurred. now it’s nearing 11pm and I’m tired and exhausted having spent majority of the day playing “diagnose lisa issues”.