Category: The Lisa Chronicles

Mud Angels

Friday night, Danny and I went out for dinner.
I was giddy that day, partially from the lack of sleep or partially from something else: I’ll never know. When he walked in through my door, he was hiding something behind his back. We went round and round through my front hallway and he presented me with a PowerPuff Girl toy and I squealed like a little girl.
Dinner was flirtatious.
We went to La Cantina, a local Mexican place, and we sat in the foray on a big bench that was high enough off the ground for us to swing our feet. We sat next to each other, thigh to thigh, arm to arm, as we watched patrons walk in and out of the restaurant. Our feet swinging to an invisable tune only we knew. I quipped I never wanted to be normal, like these women with their placed hair and perfect make up. My bangs were growing out and were dangling in my face. I had braided my hair into pigtails and I wore my playboy bunny earrings. I felt frisky and free with my juicy tubes lip gloss on watching these women walk through that had to be younger than me and looking as if they were going to faint from being so fucking placed. He said you look normal — now. Yah, I did I suppose. The facial piercings were gone. Tattoos were covered up. I looked like a college kid. Danny made up with it with having both eye brows pierced, head was freshly shaved, septum pierced (but hidden), one ear gauged up and the other one with a smaller earring. And he smelled so good. He was wearing Curve and I was sitting across from him dying the whole time. Men should not smell that good, it aint right.
We flirted all through dinner. He’d wink at me and I’d wink back. Except I can’t wink. I do it all exaggerated and it looks — funny and I mean it to look funny. And I asked him my typical questions “What turns you on”, I mean, we dated on and off for nearly seven years! We were acting like high school kids and personally I didn’t care.
Danny “gets me”. The media-whoring and the toy collecting and the electronics were all in spurned from him. His old apartment made my old cube at UUNet look sparse. It was that bad.
We giggled like ten year olds about going to Toys R US and were groaning because it was closed. We went to a local video store and walked through the DVDs and he knew even the indies and the straight-to-videos and it had been so long since I had spoken to someone like that. This is how we met. August. 1996. I was working at a Blockbuster and he was working as a welder and he came into my video store 3x a week. I’d flirt with him and he’d flirt back and he will tell you he fell in love with me before we even went on a date! The night he asked me out, we were talking in the parking lot for an hour and “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (and I feel fine)” by REM came on the radio and I had danced in the parking lot like a madwoman.
We grabbed XXX and a sucker for me, then drove to my brothers, which was right down the street. I’m sucking on this damn sucker like there is no tomorrow and I’m putting on my gloves and Danny is calling me a pussy because why put on my gloves when we were so close? We get out the car and Danny is finishing his cigarette and I reach down, pack a snowball and SMACK on the chest. He throws the cigarette down and starts chasing me and I’m laughing hysterically. He grabs me and my sucker is incredulously still in my mouth and we almost tumble down to the ground in the snow. We are still laughing and my brother says we sound like hyenas. He high fives danny and makes rude comments. We laugh and leave racing through the snow.
Back at my apartment we start watching XXX and it’s getting late as he has to get up and work in the morning. I’m pushing my feet against his thigh and being a pain. My dogs are throwing themselves on him and he’s getting this disguntled look on his face with the dog hair and I chew my lower lip and watch XXX. At 11pm on the dot, he gets up and pushes Lily off of him and I walk him to the door, my hands in my back pockets and he hugs me and we stand there for a minute or five and he says something and I say something and we laugh and he reaches out and cups my face.
He kisses me.
I knew it was coming. I KNEW IT WAS COMING. I mumble something about how it took him long enough for him to kiss me and he says that I could have kissed him. I don’t say anything and I just reach up and kiss him again. Our lips are soft and there is a lot of tongue action going on and I kick him out of my apartment and clap my hands in glee after I lock the door.
Hence why I’m a shameless hussy.
hah.
People have said when they see us together, they think they see what couples are supposed to be like. He gets me and it shows. We get each other.
But (and there is always this but).
He’ll tell you, I’m a flake.
He’ll tell you I put myself before others. Or at least i did.
He’ll tell you that sex with me can be really hot and sexy and wonderful and then on the other hand, it’s a humiliating experience because when I’m angry no one is left alive.
He’ll tell you while I’m never boring, you never know where you stand or who you are talking to.
He’ll tell you I dream too much and I can’t be brought to earth.
He’ll tell you about the depth despairing depression that sometimes grip me like an iron glove.
These crystaline moments with him, give me hope. And I had wished long ago and far away that he and I could have finally just gotten married and gotten it over and done with and could have been happy but I got cold feet and ran. To San Franciso. haha. I ran 3k miles!
And I asked him, why do we do this? SEVEN YEARS! He said “In August”. ANd I smile and he smiles back and I say “yes. in august.” Back and forth back and forth. Round and Round it goes.
Danny is like a fav tshirt. I can slip him on and know how I’m gonna feel but, in the end, there are too many rifts between us, between me and me alone and it will never work. I will see him occassionally and we will grin like goofy idiots, but it’s so FUCING TEMPORARY! We were always good at temporary and never permenant.
I want someone who wants the more things I want and it’s not him. And kissing him, it’s cemented as there is no spark there used to be anymore. Before you could cut the sexual tension with a knife and now there is no tension, just acceptance and reassurance.
I had thought recently that I was done with him due to an argument but seeing each other I knew the reverse to be true except I know that it’s not like how it was in downtimes and teh inbetween times and that one of us or both of us have changed.
I want him happy and I know it’s not me.
That is what makes me the most sad, because in the depths of my grinch heart, I wish to some extent it was and I know it never will be.

family stories

My brother has been after me for a few months now to write the family tale.
Tonight, my mom suggested it as well after I sat there fondling the new universal remote I had purchased for her and grinding my teeth in anger. And i was daydreaming about sending a copy, hardcover of course, of the book, fictionalized of course, with a personal note to the cocksuckers:
Fuck. You.
x0x0x

didn’t happen

My aunt waylaid me on the phone, offered to join us for lunch. Proceeded to nearly scream at me (at lunch) about how i had ZERO idea on what was going on in the past (over 30 years ago) but yet she was ‘letting’ go of the past and didn’t want to deal with the family as it were in the current state.
yah. hypocrite is one word that screams at me.
i’ve been grinding my teeth i’ve been so pissed. they can blow me. the whole fucking lot of them.
i passed my number/info to my cousin Kevin’s fiance Jackie who met up with us with my aunt. Whether or not they call is all up to them.
Off to play animal crossing.

Hey Cuz

I’m doing 90MPH on I-69 (yes a legit highway) when I punch in my aunt Debbie’s phone number (digging it out from my pda no less. I am an AMAZING driver).
me: Is Debbie there please?
male voice: No, she’s out. Can I take a message?
me: Yes, (I smile), this is her niece Lisa.
male voice: oooo WOW HI!
I haven’t spoken to my cousins in six years, since my grandfather died. I’m the third oldest cousin and my two oldest are ones that I don’t really care about (i got torutred by them a lot when I was younger) and but the ones below me, they are my babies. My cousin Kevin, Kris and Jon (26, 21, 18). That above was my cousin Jon. I haven’t seen him since he was 12 and he’s now 18 and going to college. His girlfriend is a freshman at Aquinas (small fucking world — my other cousin Paul goes to GVSU, another GR local uni) and he’s been to campus a tonne of times — which is funny because we so missed each other. Kevin was my best friend growing up and we used to go tromping through the trees and what not, playing video games etc and went drinking together in Sarnia when my grandfather died. Now we are all grown up.
My family is, to be blunt, immature, childish, and full of idiots. There are seven children, my mother being the eldest of the lot, and there is nine grand kids and two great-grand kids. The big parties of the easter/christmas getting together? Gone. The 40 people hanging out playing euchre and laughing around after dinner table? Gone. All the family hoo-haws and doo-dads, from cards and presents to informal gatherings in the summer bbqing and playing horseshoes? Oh, all fucking gone.
I don’t know when the world went to hell, probably when I was 13 or so, though to be far the big family shindigs lasted a few more years but once my mom moved us from Port Huron to Grand Rapids, and she started getting depressed all i know is that the family fell apart.
Jon said he had not known the deal with all the sisters but i told him i was tired of how his own mom didn’t tell him a: i was coming into town, b: that we hadn’t spoken and c: that all the sisters are being stupid bitches with their fueding. Grow the fuck up, life is too fucking short for this insane arguing.
Tomorrow I’m going out with my cousins that I haven’t seen in six years.
I’ll let you know, of course, how it goes.

shameful secrets

i have a “date” with danny tomorrow night.
It isn’t really a date. It comes down to whose house we are gonna hang out vs who has money so we’ll probably end up at my house watching movies instead of going out and eating popcorn.
No, I’m not gonna sleep with him. i promise.
boy-across-the-seas and the gf didn’t work out — shame. But then the motherfucker told me what the final xmas present he got me was! (we swapped three):
morris
Which blew my mind, because this was the fav book of mine from childhood! Apparently amazon.com has been having issues with it.
He’s invited me to http://www.rockwerchter.be, and said we could split a tent. Oh lucky me right. The only problem with that is I’m going to Vegas end of May – can’t do both in a short amount of time.
BUT in august i’m heading out to http://www.pukkelpop.be/ or to the Reading/Leeds festivle.
I will be in europe in august, come hellor fucking high water.
Men. need an instruction booklet. YES, Aaron i know you are not like them at all 😀

love songs for no one

i’m not depressed.
i’m not terribly upset about anything in particular.
I have my juicy tubes lipgloss, roof over my head, bills are paid and my own bed to sleep in.
i don’t miss anyone in particular as far as the exes go, and while I get a twinge once in a while about it and send them off with a letter, I guess out of sight is really out of mind.
So someone please explain to me why I sat in my car, in my apartment parking lot crying today?
Because really I have no idea.
I realised the other night while watching the movie “Improptu” and I got this huge rush of feeling of freedom. Like YAY Baby, climb every mountain, scour every sea, I am every woman and I bring home the bacon, etc, and I felt this intense freedom! Like I was on the edge of my seat kind of thing (literally my knees were pushed up against the coffee table). I was in complete and utter control of myself.
But then tonight it came crashing down, and I had to suffer another round of classes of people making fun of me because they are iditiotic neophytes and I’m bleeding edge gadget guru. I read too much, I own too much shit, I read too much I am TOO FUCKING MUCH XYZ ITEMS.
I’m tired of being alone.
Just hurry up and get here.

get your score cards out

in the lieu of a lot of interesting happenings happening recently, i dropped an email to Bryan no more then 5 minutes ago.
Bryan, for those keeping track at home, was someone I dated before Danny (so this is nearly 7 years go :o), who lives in Toronto and whom I have had an interesting relationship with. Like a few years ago he went to a therapist and his therapist got him all wrapped up about how I was the perfect one for him and how he had to woo me — and I was living in SF at the time so it didn’t work out (again). It was all very bizarre. Anyways, Bryan lives/works in TO and I just emailed him cos goddamnit, I havne’t spoken to him in years and i want to know WHY he doesn’t talk to me anymore. I mean, he hosts one of my domains and has been since 1997. You’d think he’d at least speak to me.
Men.
Go figure.

On men, me and goals

It talks about sex. and other stuff. Don’t read if you really don’t want to know.
This is NOT about male-bashing. Sorry to disappoint 😉
It’s going on nearly 3 months since I’ve had sex (it actually maybe longer..), but, It feels like forever. And with all the hoopla with me and Paul, it got even worse when we were living together, where I’d stalk him like a cat and he’d tell me I was too aggressive or whatever, so while having sex was possible it didn’t happen enough for me to be ‘satisfied’. That was a status of our relationship. Sex was a mindgame and after 3 years, I wanted just some nice and easy sexors and I sure as hell wasn’t getting any. and foreplay? HAH! HAH. Paul didn’t believe in foreplay. Paul’s words were, who needed foreplay when I was ‘easy’? Uh, sure buddy. www.blowfish.com is your friend, gf.
I haven’t spoken to the boy-who-lives-across-the-sea in almost a week. To some that may not mean much but consider we talked everyday for nearly a year and then well, he gets a local gf and suddenly we do not speak (hence my comment earlier on lj). And I’m not angry because I have to remind myself that I cannot have him anyways, this is my mantra: I CANNOT HAVE HIM. PERIOD. And there are all these THINGS in my head that I must repeat to myself or else I will go insane because I have to recognize the following:

  1. My promise of no dating for a year. Remember? Part of the reason why I moved back to GR. I’ve even cut Danny (local ex bf for those just tuning in) off at the pass for sex because of 50 million issues with him (my god though he still looks good to me). Because I feel like I’m worth more and you know, yah sorry if i’m a monogamous nympho (my term), but wait, I’m not sorry for being me but, you know just because you hit it once does NOT mean I’m always open. I am NOT 7-11 contrary to popular belief. Then Danny did his whole “but i put my life on hold for you” crap and you know, for someone who supposedly LOVES me stop mother fucking whining. I’ve been home for nearly THREE MONTHS and he’s made very little effort to see me. Next.
  2. None of you cocksuckers are paying my bills. In short, I need to kick this OCD habit of staying online, playing video games or whatever because in the end, I AM 30 and I need to get a life and playing game cube, the sims or chatting with the bitches just aint gonna cut it. Yah, it is fun, yah it’s a great relaxer but i have to learn how to say NO and leave when the time comes.
  3. I’m holding out for something better. Even if i hadn’t put this so called invisible chastiy belt on myself, I’d still say no, because you know what, I’m tired of chasing. I am. I’m tired of being the aggressor. I’d like having the guys chase ME for once and I cannot tell you the last time that happened. Certainly not in recent memory. And I want someone more like me. I do. I am NOT a boring or a static person, I mean obnoxious yes, but boring or static? Not really.
  4. I do not feel sexy. This for some reason surprises people I confide this to (and you guys are my closests and dearest friends, even the ones I do not know!). I feel too fat, too tall, too weird, too something. And then what kills me is people telling me how sexy I am. that I radiate sex. One person (who is a big freak to boot) told me that I was their muse for their new series of erotica. I gave them inspiration. I don’t quite know how to handle that, I mean, it is a compliment. I just wish I felt more comfortable in my skin to feel as sexy as I’ve been told that I am. I do. I really wish I could be more confident with who I am, because I know when I DO feel more confident, strange things happen. But lately, I have been blaming it on the new lip gloss I’ve been wearing called Juicy Tubes. Yes, I bought it based on the name but I happen to like it.
  5. The reason why I like boy-who-lives-across-the-sea so much is that I can I can shut him off if he ever pisses me off (he hasn’t really). I can log out of the xyz chat client we are using and go fuck off. I do not have to worry about him showing up at my door unannounced (though i would probably love it). I want/love/like men who are unattainable. That is my weakness. I can “control” them without having to really DEAL with them. I mean, I have my little Henry Rollins and Colin Firth shrines going on over here and that is OKAY, because I can deal with that.because I know fantasy from reality. I do. (Remember if i keep repeating something it will happen!)
  6. I’m a big old softie at heart. Yes, it’s true. Yet something else people seem surprised at (I’m getting a bit annoyed at this whole bitch-on-wheels persona that still seems to perpetuate even if I’m sweet as sugar. I’m trying here to break old habits people cut me some slack). My favoriest movie in the whole wide world is Bridget Jones’ Diary. I’m telling you at the end when she kisses Colin Firth, I’m all over the couch clutching my chest wishing it were me. I’ve ALWAYS been a big romantic and while the rough and tumble set does turn me on, every time I’ve EVER been kissed with that whole “oh hly shit if i don’t kiss you i’m gonna die” look and the whole cupping of the face, i go weak in the knees. THERE IS A REASON WHY EXES HAVE CALLED ME NIAGRA FALLS (separately of course). I should not have to spell this out but apparently I do have to draw a bloody fucking map (or why I started writing an instruction booklet based on me once, well actually fairly recently). heh.
    and finally:
  7.  I refuse to kowtow to the bitter and cynicalness that seems to pervade women in my age group. Yes i’ve had a series of long term relationships. Yes they did not work out, but goddamnit, I knew that I was not going to have a typical life and there is a freedom in that direction and I refuse to be in that age group. Cynical? Yah, I was born cynical and sarcastic but bitter comes and goes and I refuse to be chewed up into that grouping.

as an aside, dropped a note to boy-who-lives-across-the-sea:

 From: "princess superstar"
 To:boy-who-lives-across-the-sea
 Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:15 PM
 Subject: hey
You mentioned that you were going on vacation or something last week and
 I'm assuming this is why I haven't heard from you in awhile.  But if
not, are you upset with me or something?  All my email to @detroit.org is not
 coming through ...  :)
 Lisa
----- Original Message -----
From: boy-who-lives-across-the-sea
To: "princess superstar"
Sent: Saturday, March 01, 2003 8:29 PM
Subject: Re: hey
> yoyo :)
>
> i am not upset at all, i've just been terribly busy that's all. while
lying
> in bed this morning i thought about how i hadnt spoken to you very much
> lately.. i am sorry. i'm not angry or anything, nor am i (unfortunately)
on
> holiday - i DO however have an entire week off :D
>
> i'll check the gettobooty address in a bit.
>
> how are you keeping?
>
> tata
>
>NAMEWITHHELD
> *smooch*

Then he took off to go out.
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.
Because American men are highly fucking boring. hah.
over-and-out