Tag: ExFiance 1

when i was 8 years and in the third grade, i was friends with Audrey and Valerie Ricebeck, who were fraternal twins. Val, Aud and I were like the three stooges: we were never somewhere without the others. While, like most twins, they were as different as night and day, it was strictly because of this that we three got along so well.
as best friends generally go, when one of them got something, the other two of us wanted it.
so when Val got glasses (or maybe it was Audrey — this was nearly 20 years ago — so i don’t quite remember), I had to have them to.
i faked not being able to see the blackboard, forcing my mom to take me to the eye doctors. turned out that i really did need glasses and was given a dorky pair from there on in.
later that year, Aud and Val moved to Ohio and i never heard from them again.
since that time, i’ve always grown up with an absolute hatred for glasses. my aunts tried to make me feel better about it by having gold lettered initials put in the corners (it was all the rage in the late ’70s), getting glasses that auto-darkened to the sun and basically anything that would make my life “easier”.
i never saw this to be so, though, really. you see, i was always convinced that NO ONE would touch me with glasses on. my lack of popularity or what have you was because i wore glasses. so when i started 8th grade, i begged and pleaded for contacts and eventually got them. then Nick Hill thought i was cute and we started dating as far as being in 8th grade goes and dating goes. he was the first boy i had ever kissed. later he dumped me before our “senior” trip to Cedar Point because i wouldn’t have sex with him while my best friend would. He also moved to Ohio later on that year — but that is another story.
it’s been over 14 years since that time — and granted the girl of 1985 is not the same girl in 1999 (though recently, i’ve been wondering if she and i were not the same now). and for a good chunk of that period, a very select few has ever seen me in my glasses.
i’ve worked really hard to live without them.
oh yesh, i’m blind as a bat, but i will not or would not out of sheer vanity wear my glasses. i hated them. i absolutely hated them. the frames were too big, it was this or it was that. while i made sure i went to the doctors every year or so to check my prescription, i would never get new glasses. i’ve always associated glasses with being fat and unattractive and thusly i just couldn’t see myself wearing them on a daily basis. i had brain washed myself to thinking that no one would EVER EVER want me in my glasses.
then justin came into my life and things started to change.
if i wore glasses around the house, Justin could not keep his hands off of me.
I always joked that since he loved me, he would take me regardless of what i was wearing. his argument was no, that something about how i looked in glasses (even the piece o crap ones that i owned) did “something” to him.
the pair that i had were over 10 years old, the frames were beaten, the ovals were WAY too big for my face. i only wore them when i ABSOLUTELY had to. i used to joke that you knew when i really liked you when i felt comfortable enough showing you my glasses. some people would say their insecurities would be about getting naked — with me it as about wearing glasses.
then earlier this year, i finally had enough money to spend on getting glasses AND contacts. i checked around found a place having a 2 for 1 frame sale. scheduled the appointment and viola! I walked out with 6 months worth of disposable contacts, one pair of funky frames and one pair of wireless frames.
I fell in love with my new glasses.
i would put them on when i was at home and just stare at myself. i couldn’t get or understand why glasses made me feel so, good, but these pairs did. both pairs both fit my personality and my facial features. i didn’t look fat or unattractive or trashy as i had brain washed myself to be: i looked CUTE.
but as they say, old habits die hard.
yesterday morning bean and i were playing around with my quickcam when she just adored me in my glasses. pawly saw the pictures and wrote to me nearly poetic verses about me and glasses — he intoned that i could go from “hot lil vixenous sloot to intelligent looking strong woman” in a matter of seconds with glasses on — and the irony was that every male i spoke to that day echoed the same thing!
something about girls in glassess…
i don’t get it — really.
mike said it best: he implied that a woman who would wear her glasses had moxy and self-confidence — which was really quite attractive. well duh — i mean, that is what every says about me as it is in the first place. i got to thinking. I went into the bathroom, put on the black funky pair, slapped some lipstick on and threw a funky barrette in my hair. I looked and looked.
This wasn’t the lisa i knew and adored usually — this was someone different. this was someone, in a way, i always wanted to be.
you see, for many years, people have always assumed that because i was tattooed and pierced that i would want to meet and date tattooed and pierced freaks as well. this is NOT always the case — i’ve always felt like my tastes were eclectic. while i had some common “lisa-isms” about men (tall, cute, goatee), i found that i was attracted to geeky guys. the quiet ones in the corner. the misunderstood guys who had all this passion and verve. the quiet smoldering type. with a hint of ego on the side.
the only person i’ve ever dated that was a ‘freak’ in piecing and tattooing was danny and he didn’t start his road to freak behavior till AFTER we broke up the first time around. Now he makes me look all dainty and pure with as much ink and metal he has in his body. but see, that ink and metal he has in his body makes him look really beautiful to me.
and it would ALWAYS piss me the fuck off when I would be with friends and if they knew or see some guy who had a zillion pieces of metal hanging out of his body, blue hair and wore leather like there is no tomorrow: they would ALWAYS assume that i would want to date this person. it just irritated the hell out of me.
my own reasoning for piercing and tattooing is pretty simple: i find it attractive on me. lisa without pierced nipples just don’t make sense. the tongue thing i keep waffling on (it’s in for now) — but the nipples are so me.
see, people always assume a lot of things about me: and a lot of it has to do with the impressions they get from my website or if they’ve met me in a face to face encounter. some just assume that i am this big outgoing freak and others assume that i’m this big emotional gangbusters or some even think that i can’t have any old fashioned ideas.
but see, that’s all true and not true.
growing up i was /really really/ shy. and in a lot of ways i combated that with being obnoxious and loud: just like my grandfather. i always had a smart mouth on me — and a lot of what my friends saw was that! but this didn’t mean that i never got scared or lonely or felt alone in any manner. nor did this mean that i have a hard time talking to people or feel awkward. but i make the best of it. i have a lot of gumption for a lot of things and in other areas i’m still socially retarded. like i’ve NEVER gone to a bar by myself. Ever. And up until a few weeks ago, I’ve never gone to a party or a movie alone. Those were two huge steps for me. I started hyperventilating — but I did it.
Me and glasses represent a lot of things in my head: and I can still see the very insecure, tall, too smart lisa (uh, i was always the only girl in my AP classes for a long time) who would have killed to be a dingbat if it meant that she would get a freaking date.
it’s funny.
in a lot of ways, sitting here writing this, i’ve realized that while a lot of what i’ve written may seem convoluted, there is a story here and an important one at that. i’m 27 now and i’ve realized that for the first time in a very long time, i really and i mean REALLY like who i am. while things like quitting smoking, working on my book or wearing glasses aren’t really true answers, they are paths that lead to idea of what i wanted. the problem has always been that my own representation of myself has never been as well clarified as i had always hoped it was. i always got so angry when people would just ASSUME that i was one thing when i always saw myself as being another and the wonder why there was always so many misconceptions of me.
i know it goes back to some of the original ideas i had when i was younger, that if someone really liked me (in any sense) that they would get the time to know me on a more intimate level. if they didn’t take that time or energy to invest in me — is this someone i really want in my life?
i’ve spent nearly 14 years shadowboxing the world. and i know it is because of this that people find me “amusing” because f the paradox i seemingly create. all sides are equal but they don’t match up.
i don’t think i’ll ever stop protecting myself from being hurt. likewise i don’t think i’ll stop putting people through tests but i know it’s that wearing glasses and getting pierced are really saying: if you like me, like me for my mind NOT because of what i look like or how many holes i have in my body (this is not discounting physical attractiveness — because i can be fairly shallow — but you know what i mean).
i know this is why i’ll always luv my pawly, because he gets me in a lot of root base desires that others don’t. and my danny for seeing a lot of the sides that i have and still caring about me regardless. and justin for initially setting me on the path. for shelly whose known me longer than anyone else. for bean for making me laugh and being geeky with me. and cartoon boy, who always asked the right questions and got me thinking about stuff and thinking that maybe someone would like me for being real.
a lot of who i am has everything to do with who you guys are.
i seemingly reflect the best that you all are.
i love you guys.

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on that note, i’m taking off for Fresno for the day. I have to go do some “work” or something. I don’t know when i’ll be back. i have a lot of stuff to catch up on and then i take off for Memphis on Wednesday. 🙂 i may or may not update the chronicle until i get there — so be forewarned.
my favorite holiday is Halloween.
because everyday is like Halloween.
x0x0x0x0x,
moi a la mode