Introspection aka whining.
when i moved back to MI, everyone including paul thought that i was going to start sleeping with Danny again. Everyone, including my brother, friends, family, etc. And I told them ‘No. It’s not happening.’ And it didn’t. It hasn’t and it won’t and I just laid that on the line tonight – yet again.
Danny is like paul where every compliment was double sword. “You are so beautiful. My you have a fat ass.” kind of thing. He works under the assumption that because X happened once, Y will happen again. I once told Ben something Danny had said to me and he thought it was fairly arrogant, at least of American men. The great thing about telling
people about your life is that you often get different perspective on how things are or should or could be. Shelly is a wonderful instrument in this regard.
Danny has been pestering (pestering isn’t the right word for it i guess) about us sleeping together since i moved back, but it is that I can’t discern sleeping with someone who I feel is taking advantage of me. Does he want to sleep with me because he finds me sexy or because we have a mutual history? I want someone to want me, REALLY want me because they find me sexy etc ad nauseam, NOT because we simply have a history together and it’s been said and done before. This was a question i had asked paul before we moved in together “do not move in with me if you do not love me like how i want to be loved and as i will love you in return.”
I had told Danny in the past that we were not going to sleep together, again. We were not in a relationship and I was not about to sleep with just anyone even if it is him, I can’t do that anymore. Tonight I made it more clear, and he said he understood but that he can’t ‘help himself’. What had hurt the most was that he had said “you should be so lucky i still want you” and i said “what the fuck does THAT mean?” and he wouldn’t clarify what he meant.
recently i received some emails from an ex-coworker who spilled out in no uncertain terms that he expected us to have a little something-something going on when I was living in Virginia and he seemed completely distraught that I had not shown him my nipple rings when I was working at UUNet (he found them on the Internet, which is ironic because most of those I worked with knew I was pierced). I’m not stupid, I knew what he was after when I was working at UUnet but to think that I would do something like that? What would be my gain? The person irritated me when we were working together because he worked under the all to common assumption that if you were pierced, tattooed or ‘alternative’ you were free and easy in sexual relationships. I hate that shit. I do. I hate the assumption that because I fulfill some sort of freak stereotype that i fall into others. Plus we disagreed on everything from politics (he was a gun-toting, NRA Republican) to music (he admitted to country). he was beige. His whole world was beige. I went to a party at his house and he had lived there for years and the only color that was there was from me spilling Lisa Secret Punch Recipe on his upstairs carpet when i tripped on lint. He had no furnishings in most of his house and everything was beige. It irritated the fuck out of me.
Here is what I don’t understand, is that if everyone is looking for love (or most of us anyways), then why all the compromisation? Why the manipulation and control issues? I nearly killed myself making the men I’ve been with feel like they were perfect just the way they were, because to me they are, but yet it was not returned. Yes they had faults but I never said “honey, you are perfect and yet you are too balding/hairy/fat/too many zits/too this/too that” (unless it was an argument as paul and i were wont to do and then hell hath no fury like a lisa scorned). Never ever did i make them feel that they would be more to me if they dropped weight, grew hair, got their back waxed. I want to be loved just as I am and they want mommy nurse slash concubine.
It was like the editorial i saw in Electronic Gaming Monthly that some fart wrote in stating that having ‘fat chicks’ in a skyy vodka ad was a ‘huge turn off’. Okay lets look at the market here: gaming, geeks, pale, probably chubby. Who the fuck are they to speak? HELLO! Pot meet Kettle! It was like the xbox nerd i saw at Don Pablos this weekend that sat there with his 500lb ass cheeks nearly splitting the chair and I kept expecting Triumph the Insult dog to come waltzing in like he did on the nrrd fest at Star Wars EP:1. That at least cheered me up.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
This is why reading is so much better than dealing with reality, as you an always put it away for another day.
Category: The Lisa Chronicles
Europe for Tall people
I’m writing this down for me, not for you.
I’m writing this down to remind me in 3.5 months what I need to remember the most: to be myself.
I’m writing this down so that I can remember what I was like before and can compare it for after.
As many of you have known, I recently started talking to my Daniel Cleaver again and while many of you may not know who he is, which is fine (lisa’s past is one that needs maps and keys), it’s truly amazing how far and different we have come since we had dated. One thing that has been clarified to what happened when we met and the break down of our relationship that we can now look at it five years later and say “yes, that makes perfect sense”. This applies to now and does it ever.
When I found out that pukkelpop.be was being held at the end of August and not in the middle like I had thought, my heart was literally crushed. Then I found out that the Leeds/reading festivals were being held the week before (for refrences, classes start on august 25, pukkelpop.be aug 28/29/30), i cursed the gods above. Then ben drops this bombshell on me earlier today that he’s planning on going to Sweden for 3 weeks in august (maybe, he’s not sure.) and I thought “Okay, the $Dieties hate me. Not only have i not gotten my INS crap yet, but now even if i had an American passport, I can’t even go to europe because the one person who I want to see is LEAVING”. Well, i lied. What I told ben actually was “OH. Guess we won’t hook up this summer at all.” Because fuck you, I’m still going. And he comes back with “Well, I thought you could come a few weeks earlier.”
The whole world was wide open.
I realised this last night when I was reading about what to do in the summer in Europe. ALL THESE FUCKING CHOICES and it’s scary. I had said to him ” you know, without a music festival we can do something together or something.” and if he said “You know lisa, i think you’re one scary American.” I would have respected that because i didn’t’ EXPECT him to say ‘yes’. I didn’t. Spend two weeks with me? Me spend two weeks with him traipsing all over the french and Belgian countryside? Hahah. Ben is so not spontaneous. He’s not the spontaneous type.
I expected him to say “maybe” or “let me see” not yes.
But then he said yes. Just like that. Yes.
Then I said, wait a minute. I had to confer with summer school. Summer school ends July 9, but, i have directed class all summer every few weeks and there is a class on July 19 and august 9. So if i’m going to europe, it has to be between July 20-august 8 or august 10-24. Then he said I’m going to Sweden (maybe) from august 2-28. Then we nailed down the dates.
Then i said “ben, i need to know so i can plan are you planning on coming with me the WHOLE time? or are you staying a few days? or what?”
I mean if i meet up with him for a few days and then go to London to hang out with Alice/Jon and then to reading to bug Andy and then venture up to Edinburgh and hang out there for awhile, it’ll be good. I can do that. I can do europe nearly solo. ANd he said “The whole time.”
Then we both said at the same time “What do you want to do?” Because now we are not tied to the music festivals anymore, so suddenly the whole world is open.
And we laughed. He said how odd and I said how funny we both asked that, at the same time.
I said “Well, I’ve never been to europe.” duh. i am QUEEN of obvious. “What would you like to do?”
then i said “I know what i want. No computers.”
He agreed wholeheartedly.
Then he said “I don’t snore and I don’t fart in the dark.”
And i started laughing so hard I about fell out of my chair. Literally, fell out of my chair.
I kept laughing.
I told him, if i was in europe and didn’t get to the UK, I’d DIE. I also told him that I wanted to see Paris. I asked him how far Paris was from his house. He said 2.5 hours. That floors me. I told him Belgium sounded so fucking cool. SURROUNDED BY FIVE COUNTRIES! He said what about Germany? They are just if not more surrounded. I said Germany was cool, but not AS cool. I didn’t know anyone in Germany. He laughed.
So I’m flying to Brussels. I’m staying at a hotel (albeit a cheap one) for a day or so. Flights land like at the crack of dawn, and we are six hours behind Belgium so it’ll be middle of the night for me. But i will be wired on adrenaline. Then we are either going to London to hang out or to France first. I told him no timetables. Yes to seeing the sights but no to timetables. I want to RELAX. I haven’t had a vacation to have a vacation in years.
I just emailed him and told him. I don’t want to think or care or anything. I just want to be and pick flowers, watch star showers and go swimming. Drink great wine and go karoking.
And maybe paint his toenails while I’m at it.
I had all this stuff I wanted to say. All this stuff about time and chance and relationships and about expectations but what i leared from DC was to not compete with myself. What will happen will.
I just need to remember that.
Lisa’s an Idiot
We are now gong to sing a song called “lisa’s an idiot”.
WHY DO I DO THIS?
WHY!
Paul’s moping about how he has no where or no place to go for Easter, and even though i already made plans to go spend it with my mom and three of my aunts I invited him to GR to go spend it with me and three of my aunts.
The problem is! He’s going to want to have sex.
And I don’t want to sleep with Paul.
I don’t want to get back together with him.
WHY OH WHY did I open my mouth and invite him here?
WHY?????????
um okay
did i just indirectly e-mail boy-who-lives-across-the-sea and tell him how much i liked him liked him?
oh dear god, i hope not.
hahahaha
Daniel Cleaver
We all have a Daniel Cleaver in our life. The one person who we will fling ourselves at and we think that we are in love with, blinded by how they treat us because of how we feel for them and that we will save them no matter what, even when they treat us like shit. We refuse to see that till sometimes it’s almost too late. Then something amazing happens and the breakup is painful and you physically feel like you are dying.
Well, my DC has just dropped me an e-mail.
I’ve discussed the relationship I had with DC in the past, in very detailed length including letters between he and I, written many years ago. I don’t ever want to be in that position again, ever. I don’t want to think and trick myself into thinking he was so beautiful when he really wasn’t or making myself believe that he was in as deep like with me as I was with him. I painted this rosey picture in my head he was PERFCT and I can’t imagine wanting to be back there ever again.
Part of the problem is that I crave being back at that particular space, that intensity, the lust, the passion. Everything. It is still what I search for NOW but under different terms and under different conditions. But I still seek it out, looking for it and now instead of throwing my cards on the table, i hold them close to me to see if I can truly bluff my way through. Things aren’t so easy and free anymore like they used to be. That much has changed and that is most importantly the right thing to have changed.
An ex-coworker emailed me recently and basically laid down the bluntness that he thought he and I were or was going to ‘get it on’ or something when I was living in VA (i’m paraphrasing) and ben said something to me about in the realm about how the whole world has a crush on me. I laughed because arrogantly it’s never been the lack of someone wanting me fat or thin. Men are a dime a dozen but Mr. Darcy? He’s somewhere out there and I am not settling for Daniel Cleaver anymore, which I keep doing. But this guy, he’s the king of all Daniel Cleavers.
I don’t honestly know why he emailed me. I don’t know why my excoworker decided to tell me NOW that he had a crush on me (not that I would have acted on it). I don’t know why guys i like never like me back as much as I like them or the ones that broke my heart want to keep in touch with me. I don’t know why I can’t like the ones who like me and I don’t know why fifty million things.
The last few days have been weird and strange.
I will end this, with as always, Sarah Mclachlan!
(but of course)
Wait
Under a blackened sky
far beyond the glaring streetlights
sleeping on empty dreams
the vultures lie in wait.
You lay down beside me then
you were with me every waking hour
so close I could feel your breath.
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by the years.
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
but to be consumed again
oh I know would be the death of me
and there is a love that’s inherently given
a kind of blindness offered to deceive
and in that light of forbidden joy
oh I know I won’t receive it.
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years.
You know if I leave you now
it doesn’t mean I love you any less
its just the state I’m in
I can’t be good to anyone else like this.
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold
that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years…
Yes bro, he IS so beautiful 😮
kava kava
Has anyone here tried kava kava for anxiety?
I’ve been on lithium, buspar, effexor, zoloft, paxil, prozac, serzone, klonopin, valium, wellabutrine and wellabutrin sr to name but a few and NONE worked (yes most are for anti-depressants than anxiety, I realise this).
I refuse to go back on prescription drugs … so any thoughts on kava kava?
One thing leads to another
Shooting at the walls of heartache, BANG BANG
so last night ben and i were using this nifty software so we could talk voice over ip and man was it crystal clear, Anyways, so we were talking both kind of waiting for the war to start (is this how it starts now? you know baby share this war with me?) and well there was no big KABOOM and well i can’t speak for him but damn i felt very anticlimactic. Kind of like when you really dig someone and find out they are crappy kissers, that kind of anticlimactic. But we both thought it would be DAMN cool to be like, talking on-line via VOIP and he’s in Belgium and I’m in the US and the war start. You know, all tragic romancey kind of thing in the bizarre kind of surreal way kind of crap. And I was laughing absurdly at the whole thing and the fact i locked my door when I was going to bed that you know, WW3 is starting and here i am LOCKING MY DOOR. I laughed. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.
SO! things have been weird around these parts. I went and got a new tattoo:
(It’s fake. The Ben is that is. The tattoo. Not the person. I mean if the person was fake, my GOD do i have an imagination and who the hell have I been talking to lately)
But damn! Some people over on my livejournal were all freaking out 10 ways to Sunday and well, i wanted to have fun with people so i told some that, BEN AND I WERE GETTING MARRIED! In GREECE! (We moved it from the South of France to Greece you see). And I was having fun and people believed Ben and I were getting married and well the fun kinda stopped being fun cos no one would play into it. And then I got bored. heh.
But I should marry ben. I mean he’s tall, cute, British, reads, he’s geeky, plays video games and the great part is HE DOES NOT SNORE!
is that a girls dream or what.
I’m kidding.
Maybe.
So anyways, what I did was have this redone:
My mom’s name on my arm, I had Amy re-do as the coloring had come out and everyone was like that was a really great faded effect’ and well it was NOT supposed to be faded and well that is partially my fault but she said she was going to do it for free so HEY who was I to pass that up. I talked to her about my back, which is my next project. I’m going to have half a belt encircle the butterfly so it peeks out from my pants/jeans and then work my way up. I was thinking kanji and I definitely want a piece at the nape of my spine but hey, i’m a broke college student so she’s working out a deal with me and charging me 50/hr instead of 85/hr and we are blocking off two hour time frames and doing this once a month. Except probably in May and August (Vegas baby! and Europe!)
So she’s working on my arm and I told her I was teasing a friend about getting his name tattoo’d on me and I asked her to do it with a sharpie and take a picture of it and she thought it was great idea, so she did! So I giggled all the way home madly and hoping ben was still on-line and he was! And he was like, shocked. it was funny 🙂 Relived I think when I told him it was sharpie and it will fade (like so: https://exitpursuedbyabear.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/bentat.jpg — you try taking a pic of your ass :). I told him last night I never once thought he might figure i was like some really CRAZY (seriously) bitch living in the US. Good thing he has a sense of humour.
Sometimes thinking ruins everything. 🙂
What else, well, I got the COOLEST present yesterday:
ohmygod, I LOVE that book and i’m so mad when i lost it. That made me SUPER happy! Ben rules 🙂
And what else, oh i got my UUNet bonus check and also my sprint refund check which meant I got to go spend 50 bucks in books at half.com. heh.
My poli sci exam is pushed back five days. I’m late writing my women writers midterm and I’ve been sitting here bouncing around to 80s music. hahaha. I so want to be out frolicking on the beaches of Mediterranean and NOT in the US.
x0x0x
lisa
oh yah.
kethryvis and i have been sitting here doing our horroscopes with mens we have crushes on. you soooooooo know when you like someone when your sitting here figuring out what the hell your chances are with someone. I told her we needed to be in our pjs, hair in rollers drinking hotcocoa having a slumber party.
Except she’s 3k miles away :/
hahaha. we are pathetic.
talk dirty to me
I should be writing my midterm, which is half-finished and due tomorrow.
I should be doing a lot of things, but i’m not. heh.
Alright, so I’m checking email for the fiftieth time today and I get the following spam:
“I would never have believed that my husband of 4 years would cheat on me.
And he didn’t even tell me – I saw his email was full of messages from girls at XXXDate.com who wanted to fuck him! He had a whole folder full of email from women who had already gone to bed with him and had the nerve to thank him for a great time!
These girls sound like total sluts who will fuck anything with a dick. My husband isn’t even good looking he’s overweight and losing his hair and still these girls are all over him.
XXXdate has turned his life into one big sex-capade and I’m mad as hell! So I joined XXXdate just to show him I can fuck more than he can!”
And I’m sitting there kind of dumbstruck. Not that it’s spam but it’s just, the content. I am no prude, by any stretch of the imagination, but I think it’s the current climate of women that are sort of bugging me? I can’t really explain it, it’s like, I’ve never really found it difficult to get a man (yes, i know you’ve heard me bitch about getting laid etc but let me finish here) but it’s the QUALITY of MEN i’m looking at discussing.
Keth and I had this conversation the other night when she called me to tell me she got accepted to UCSC and we ended up chatting for a few hours. The conversation kind rounded around men and our current lack thereof. Now, me personally, I do have crushes on people and some I would say were not crushes and probably some sort of “liking” going on (haha, this is so jr high) but, the crushes cannot be realised (you know, I TALK about henry rollins being my third husband but you know he isn’t going to be — really. maybe.)
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x0x0x
smack my ass and call me sally
Friday (3/14), I have another psuedo date with Danny. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, while the elation of the kiss still lingers, there are MANY reasons why it would never work out between us (you know that whole he’s living with a lisa-look alike kinda kills it).
but then i got my horroscope for tomorrow:
Your Daily Horoscope for March 14, 2003
Dear lisa,
A passionate encounter with a love partner might cement the bond between you so thoroughly, lisa, that the two of you could start talking commitment, or even weddings. A romantic haze may permeate your interactions throughout the day, which feels very good. Still, you need to exercise some restraint in expressing your feelings. Hitting your friend with too much at once could have the opposite effect from what you’re hoping for. Be patient!
—-
You know, my damn horroscope has been saying I was going to fall in love with someone from another country and now this schiz. You’ve GOT to be kidding!